insecurity

Last night I lost a fight with insecurity. I think I've come to grips with the idea that I will always and forever live with certain areas of self-doubt and insecurity, no matter what happens. Just because it's there, doesn't mean that I have to pay attention to it, or allow it to play a part in my thoughts or actions. I think my friend Amy Barnett may have spent the better part of 2 years of arguing with me to get me to understand that. And, so, It's been approximately that long since I last was as incapacitated by my own insecurity as I was last night. I don't know why or how or what came up. But it hit, and I had lost the fight before I knew that there was one. My sister offered some very encouraging and affirming words for me (how does one express appreciation toward someone who does something like that when it's direly needed?). A year ago today, I started dating someone. 8 months into it, I broke it off. Not in response to anything negative or heinous or terrible that happened. But it took me 8 months to realize that we just weren't going to be able to find joy and contentment in that kind of a relationship for as long as we would have needed it to. There's nothing wrong with either of us. Again, the decision wasn't made in response to something negative that happened. It was about being honest with ourselves and coming to some conclusions. She is an amazing person and I hope that whatever she's doing now, that she is genuinely happy. I wonder, often, about how she's doing. Several times I've almost picked up the phone and called her. It would be nice to sit down and have a cup of coffee with her and find out how she's doing. I never follow through with it though. I think the guilt I still carry around for having broken it off initially keeps me from doing it. Here's the deal though... I don't regret it. I don't regret anything about our relationship. I had the opportunity to begin to truly be a part of someone else in a significant way. Times were good and times were not so good, but all of it was so edifying. I grew and learned and matured in new areas of myself. Just because it didn't end up being 'forever' doesn't change that or somehow make it a waste. Just because I can tell myself this rationally, doesn't stop my insecurity to twist that into something negative when given the chance. Last night I told myself that my inability to make that relationship a 'forever' should be a testament to my inability to ever make any relationship a 'forever' one. And with that, rush in all of the thoughts of self-doubt and self-defeat.

Then I look at all of this and my stomach turns at the selfishness involved in such things. Last night I made people tell me things that they've already told me before. How obnoxious it must be to have to restate yourself to someone. How offensive it must be to find out that someone doubts your honestly and truthfulness in conversations past. I certainly don't blame these people for thinking these things of me from last night. I apologize.

So, today I think I've pulled myself back up on my own two feet. I hope so, anyway. See, that's why we can't allow insecurity or doubt play a very big part in our lives. It's like voluntarily choosing to fall down. In my case, it tends to be an excuse to back myself into a corner and beat myself up. There's no reason for these things. These are certainly not the things Paul encouraged the believers in Phillipi to think about.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. -Philippians 4:8

I am a sinner.