demeanors and moods

Do you ever just begin to realize that everything and everyone around you annoys you? Today was one of those days for the most part. I don't know why that is exactly. Well, to tell the truth, I have a pretty good idea. It's kind of mystifying to me that I am not able to compartmentalize things at times. I mean, how often are our demeanors or moods affected by a particular thing? But it doesn't just stop there, I mean, once that thing is past, your mood is still the same. Your demeanor is still noticed by others. That's somewhat unfortunate at times. It's not so unfortunate at other times, I suppose.

Dependency

One of the old Penthouse guys just sent us an email informing us that he and his wife just had a baby. That's crazy! Dude! Ray lived on the floor with me 2 years ago and now he's got a wife and a kid! Best of luck to you friend. It's crazy to think of all the things that can happen in life and there' s no telling how soon your circumstances can be night and day different. Shorb... will this be you in a couple years?! HAHAHA

So, lately the thoughts have been pertaining to the idea of 'dependence'. Is it a good thing? Is it a bad thing? There seem to be two camps in this little tussle. First, we have the independent, totally self-sufficient (or so we like to make ourselves out to be this way) individuals who say that dependence is a bad thing because it causes you to relinquish control of your own life in ways that they shouldn't be. Then there are those people who seem to think (or at least they live their lives as evidence to the fact that) they can't walk a step in this world without someone there to take them through it. You know the people, those who always and forever seem to have to have an arm to grab ahold of metaphorically speaking... I know for most of my life I have been firmly entrenched in the self-sufficient side of this argument. Life experiences have moved me away from that now, though. I think that there's a lot to be said for some level of dependence in one's life, especially on the relational side of things. I'm not advocating the other side. Certainly not! I do not believe it's very healthy for someone to walk through their young life without experiencing a sufficient amount of it without a significant other or whatnot (How can we really know who we are if we've never experienced that sense of aloneness?). But, what I am saying is that it's easy to overlook the possible benefits about a certain amount of dependency. So, the enlightened thought of the week has been that my understanding of my relationship with God is increased, as well as an overall edification in my life when I allow myself to hold a healthy level of dependency on others relationally.

A pretty big loser

My dad called me today, in the middle of the day, totally out of the blue. We talked for a few minutes, but it pretty much boiled down to this: He told me if I end up spending another spring break at home, by myself, that I am a pretty big loser. I hadn't thought of it that way before, but I totally agreed. My dad.... he's a good guy. He took the rest of the conversation to encourage me to fly somewhere in America and hang out for a few days on my own. Go explore, check stuff out, do my own thing, you know. It was a great invitation, and one I'm glad was given to me. I spent the better part of several hours this afternoon checking out where I could go for how much and what I could do there and stuff. It's pretty exciting to remind yourself just how much is actually out there. I mean, there are so many cities that I've never set foot in. I looked everywhere from Boston, to D.C., to Jackson, to Seattle. I think im gonna end up going to California though to meet up with Maha again. I called her tonite and she seemed pretty keen on the idea. So, there you have it. I'm hopefully not as big a loser tonite as I was earlier today because of all this.

Anti-consumerism

I haven't posted in a week because it's been a really long and busy week. We had 'Dude Week' in Morris, which went well. Monday night the Penthouse won the Morris Olympics (I finished 2nd overall in washer throwing). Tuesday night Taylor won it's basketball game against Grace in possibly the most exciting game I've ever watched here. Tuesday night late, Milford Middleschool (our C League intramural team) won it's first game 40-14 in what is probably the largest margin of victory ever. I scored 4 points. Our jerseys are still scandalously tight. Wednesday night mom and dad came down to take Tracy and I out to eat for Tracy's birthday. Later that night the Penthouse went roller skating with our sister floor. It was a lot of fun. What's more fun than watching 30 college guys in roller skates? Wednesday night I was up till 4am coughing. Thursday night we had pancakes at 11 and decorated for our big valentine's extravaganza. Thursday night I laid in bed from 12 to 6am coughing. from 6am to 5pm I sat on my couch falling in and out of sleep every 20 minutes. I caught a major league cold of some kind that gave me a headache, the chills, sweats, cough, runny nose, and a fever than, when I finally went to the health center that evening was at 103. Sweet action. So I spent a good portion of Friday night in the health center trying to break the fever. The weekend was spent alright because of the high amount of drugs that were constantly in my system. Saturday was men's conference. It was good. Not great, but good. Nothing new and challenging, but a solid reminder to the men on campus. Sunday I ran to Ball St. Library for a few hours of research only to come back with a 5oo page sociological study that was done 50 years ago. exciting? I think not. Ok, so that's the week that has past.

Today was Valentine's day. This is usually one of those days where I go out of my way to be as mean spirited and cynical as possible to people, especially those people who are exactly the opposite. Today, however, it was a pleasant surprise to find myself in a odd and sort of positive mood. So much so that, when I found out one of my afternoon classes was cancelled, I ran out to the store to buy a few people some valentine's candy and made them cheesy valentine's cd's and anti-consumerist valentine's cards. (note, if you take a plain 'thank you' card and cross that out and write 'happy valentine's day' on it and then whatever you want in the inside, you've just saved yourself $4.50 since you're not buying one of those stupid valentine's cards that the hallmark company made this holiday up for in the first place...(that's right! stick it to the corporate 'man')). So, Tracy, Darla, and Amy, I hope you enjoyed my cheesy little valentine's.

This evening I went to the ceramics room and I made myself a pinch-pot. We made one in class on thursday, but I decided it was kinda fun, so I went in and made another one. The one I made in class Thursday was pretty plain because I am not creative at all ( I just put a few lines down 2 sides). The teacher came around and told me it was really beautiful and that 'less tells so much more sometimes'. I have no idea what that means but she seemed to love it. One of the other people in class informed me that I'm gonna be the class idiot who the teacher thinks is a genius because I'm too dumb to let her know any different. This is probably the truth...

Later on this evening Phil, Noah, Haller, Cervone, and I went to La Bamba's. The new one actually, which was a nice change. It's cleaner than the old one, probably because it's not in the middle of Ball St.'s campus. The food was still good. It's definitely fun to reminisce with a bunch of other senior guys from the floor. We don't do that enough.

Good friends

I was on-duty all weekend. This usually kinda sucks cause you can't leave the dorm, except for meals from Friday at 5pm to Sunday at 11pm. Can I just say how blessed I am to have good friends? Friday night was openhouse and my sister, Noah, Phil, Darla, and Jen spent a good 3 hours in my room just chillin. We played a few games and talked alot. I mean, it wasn't anything spectacular, but just having them all there and hanging out with me in my room instead of going out and doing something fun.... I have good friends and I hope that have served them as much as I know they have served me.

I have a new pet fish. His name is Franklin. He's a betta fish. The last fish I bought all died within the week... right now we're at 24 hours and counting. Im crossing my fingers on this one lasting longer. Otherwise I will have wasted another whole thing of fish food. Feel free to stop by and introduce yourself to him. If you want to bring him a housewarming gift, feel free (money works best).

Saturday morning I took my sister out to eat for her birthday (which is actually tomorrow, so feel free to wish her a happy birthday. If you're a guy, just say happy birthday and keep on walking, or otherwise I'll beat the crap out of you...). Anyway, I got a head's up from some guys on my floor that the Matthew's Family Restaurant served a $2.99 all you can eat breakfast on Saturday mornings. It was good stuff. I recommend the biscuits and gravy.

We beat IWU on Saturday in basketball. I got to go cause Noah covered me for a couple of hours. It was good cause they're kind of a cross county rival or something like that. Actually, it's not as big as it was cause they have sucked the last few years. However, they beat us the first time we played them this year, so it was good to get them back.

I'd share some other thoughts I've had over the weekend, but Noah informed me that one of the kids in his youthgroup in Ohio, Courtney is her name, reads this and thinks that it's too heavy. So, I'm keeping this one light and upbeat. Enjoy.

Taco Smell

Tonite Phil, Tracy, and I took a little late night trip to taco bell down the road cause we were all hungry. It took us about 10 minutes to place our order. The speaker kept going in and out while the guy was taking our order, so he would ask me a question about what I had just ordered and I'd get the first few words and then it would go quiet or whatever. The first couple of times I asked him to repeat it, but there's only so many times you can say 'WHAT?!' before it gets really annoying. So, I did the next logical thing, which was to guess at what he must have finished the sentence with, and then respond with my answer. For example, when I hear 'do you want be....'? I assume that he was asking if I wanted beans on the burrito. I answer 'no, no beans please' only to find out that I've made an idiot of myself because he's asking if I want beef or chicken in my burrito and now he's thoroughly confused and thinks im high or something. All in all, it was pretty awkward and hilarious and it took forever. There's nothing quite like making a fool of yourself.

I have a beautiful smile

Today I was paid, quite possibly the most unexpected, yet the sweetest compliment ever in my entire life. This morning was the first day of ceramics class. The prof is a sweet little middle-aged woman who's voice couldn't compete with the chairs in the room moving around. There's about 12 of us in the class and she asked us to tell her how much art experience we've had and then something that we really like, so that she can begin to put names with faces. As is always the case, mine was one of the last couple of names called and I responded that I didn't really have much of any art experience and that I like baseball and enjoy coffee. She looked at me and said that I had a beautiful smile. I didn't know what to say and everyone looked at me. She then informed me that my eyes sparkle when I smile. I let out an awkward laugh and that was that.... So there you have it. What a sweet lady. I almost went up and thanked her after class, but then i figured I'd probably say something more awkward.

The Circus

I ran the circus for the last time tonite. Ah, yes, the traditional hall and floor meetings of the semester took place tonite. Followed by farkle and LaBamba's. Overall, a good night. However, it never ceases to amaze me how many times I have to say the word 'shutup' before people actually shut up. You know what though, it's alright. We got through it all again without too many major headaches, so I can't complain too much. LaBamba's is such a good way to end the night too...

Frail

Convinced of my deception

I've always been a fool

I fear this love reaction

Just like you said I would



A rose could never lie

About the love it brings

And I could never promise

To be any of those things



Blessed are the shallow

Depth they'll never find

Seemed to be some comfort

In rooms I try to hide



Exposed beyond the shadows

You take the cup from me

Your dirt removes my blindness

Your pain becomes my peace



If I was not so weak

If I was not so cold

If I was not so scared of being broken, growing old

I would be...





...frail

insecurity

Last night I lost a fight with insecurity. I think I've come to grips with the idea that I will always and forever live with certain areas of self-doubt and insecurity, no matter what happens. Just because it's there, doesn't mean that I have to pay attention to it, or allow it to play a part in my thoughts or actions. I think my friend Amy Barnett may have spent the better part of 2 years of arguing with me to get me to understand that. And, so, It's been approximately that long since I last was as incapacitated by my own insecurity as I was last night. I don't know why or how or what came up. But it hit, and I had lost the fight before I knew that there was one. My sister offered some very encouraging and affirming words for me (how does one express appreciation toward someone who does something like that when it's direly needed?). A year ago today, I started dating someone. 8 months into it, I broke it off. Not in response to anything negative or heinous or terrible that happened. But it took me 8 months to realize that we just weren't going to be able to find joy and contentment in that kind of a relationship for as long as we would have needed it to. There's nothing wrong with either of us. Again, the decision wasn't made in response to something negative that happened. It was about being honest with ourselves and coming to some conclusions. She is an amazing person and I hope that whatever she's doing now, that she is genuinely happy. I wonder, often, about how she's doing. Several times I've almost picked up the phone and called her. It would be nice to sit down and have a cup of coffee with her and find out how she's doing. I never follow through with it though. I think the guilt I still carry around for having broken it off initially keeps me from doing it. Here's the deal though... I don't regret it. I don't regret anything about our relationship. I had the opportunity to begin to truly be a part of someone else in a significant way. Times were good and times were not so good, but all of it was so edifying. I grew and learned and matured in new areas of myself. Just because it didn't end up being 'forever' doesn't change that or somehow make it a waste. Just because I can tell myself this rationally, doesn't stop my insecurity to twist that into something negative when given the chance. Last night I told myself that my inability to make that relationship a 'forever' should be a testament to my inability to ever make any relationship a 'forever' one. And with that, rush in all of the thoughts of self-doubt and self-defeat.

Then I look at all of this and my stomach turns at the selfishness involved in such things. Last night I made people tell me things that they've already told me before. How obnoxious it must be to have to restate yourself to someone. How offensive it must be to find out that someone doubts your honestly and truthfulness in conversations past. I certainly don't blame these people for thinking these things of me from last night. I apologize.

So, today I think I've pulled myself back up on my own two feet. I hope so, anyway. See, that's why we can't allow insecurity or doubt play a very big part in our lives. It's like voluntarily choosing to fall down. In my case, it tends to be an excuse to back myself into a corner and beat myself up. There's no reason for these things. These are certainly not the things Paul encouraged the believers in Phillipi to think about.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. -Philippians 4:8

I am a sinner.

2nd semester

Today was the first day in the last semester of my college career. It was a good day, and this is going to be quite the semester. MWF I have a 1pm and a 2pm class. TR I have bowling at noon and on R I have ceramics at 1030am. Periodically I have Sociology Senior Sem on thursday afternoons and Senior Thesis on monday afternoons as well. All in all, it's going to be a pretty light semester. I'm definitely not going to complain about having no morning classes. Say yes to sleep.

Dude week... It's coming to a Morris Hall near you and it's gonna be sweet. We're planning some fun stuff and I'm enjoying that. However, I am enjoying it more because of the purpose behind it. It's about self-control. A good, good topic. Most of the time we think of self control and self denial in the context of overly righteous and pious things like fasting from food or overly heinous things like pornography. However, it's suprising to me that we forget about the practice of self control or self denial simply for the recognition or the verification that I am, in fact, in control of my own body. Yes, we have freedom in Christ... I'm not talking about sin or evil or anything innately wrong here. No freedom is being taken away. Just reminding myself that I can and should be held accountable for what I do. Responsibility.

The guys are all back on the floor now, I am reminded of how good my friends are to me, Disko's here for a while, and staying in my room, I've had amazing conversations with Darla for the last two nights, my sister made fun of my slack off schedule on her away message today, I had a good time with my dad over the weekend, I just found out about a job fair in Indy next week, I turned in the Milford Middleschool basketball signup this afternoon, and needless to say, life couldn't be much smoother at this point.