Klutz

I knocked a glass of water over on my laptop this afternoon. A few seconds later the screen went black. Perfect. I took it as far apart as I was comfortable and commandeered my mom's hair dryer for a while. After it was dry I put it all back together, plugged it in and pushed the power button. Nothing. More perfect. It's now sitting upside down over a vent for the next few days. Lets just say I'm not optimistic.

Me & Relationships (a honest venture)

My strengths in relationship:
-Committed: Relationship are as perfect as people are. That is to say, people are a mess of imperfections and mistakes, so I expect relationships to be as well. It takes significant troubles and difficulties across significant amounts of time for me to consider a relationship unable to work. I’ll not bow out quickly.
-Service: I think that the love language that I communicate most frequently is ‘acts of service’. I am always looking for opportunities to serve other people, and this is especially true for those most special to me. I’ll often inconvenience myself for the convenience of someone else.
-Listener: I think this is one of the best avenues for me to know and understand someone else. I want to hear about the mundane, everyday stuff just as much as I want to hear about the big, deep stuff that’s building or the hard, heavy baggage you’re carrying. I’m not just being polite; I genuinely want to know and genuinely want to understand.
-Feminist: There are a lot of ideas about what that word means. In this sense, I’m simply communicating that I have a very egalitarian perspective to women and men. This is true, also in the context of relationships. I’m not going to make any decisions for you. I’m also not going to expect you to bend to my will or desires. Your thoughts and opinions about you, me, and life can be just as valid in my mind as mine are. No (or at the least, a few that I’m not aware of) gender roles here. On second thought, maybe you think this is a weakness… whatever.
My weaknesses in relationship:
-Can’t verbalize my feelings on the spot: I interact with the world around me through my thoughts first, not my feelings. This is not to say that I consider thoughts supreme to feelings. That is simply not the way I’ve been shaped. Though I think I’ve worked very intentionally for the past 8 years to develop my emotional self more intentionally, it’s still not the filter with which I operate under. Thus, when things affect me deeply on an emotional level, it’s very difficult to put those feelings to words. It’s not to say that I don’t want to communicate them. It’s not because I don’t have feelings. It’s that I don’t know how to. It takes me quite a bit of time.
-I always want someone else to choose small stuff: This may not be a huge deal. I think it’s probably something that gets very annoying over time. Where should we go for dinner? What should we do for the next hour? Which directions should we take to get there? I don’t care. You pick. There will certainly be times when I’ll have preferences and opinions, but most of the time I simply don’t care and wish someone else would choose. Sometimes I think this is my attempt to submit myself to another person’s will more intentionally. I’ll share my preference if I have one, believe me. But believe me if I don’t have one, and PLEASE just CHOOSE!
-I’m not creative: Whether that’s coming up with a great date activity or the perfect present to show how much I care, I am not creative. I’m highly left brained. I can’t do art or music. I am simply not creative. This means that you’ll likely get tired of my ideas and probably disappointed by my lack of spontaneity. I’m an organized, routine oriented person. Sorry. This is not to say that I can’t do creative things. It just means I can’t come up with them on my own. I’m excited to participate in these things. It’s just hard for me to think of them.
-I don’t cry: Again, maybe a function of an underdeveloped emotional self. Maybe something else entirely. But there are very few times that I’ve cried. I promise this is not my attempt to be super masculine. There are many times that I’ve wished that I could cry. I suspect that there is something less than healthy at work here somewhere. I’m not totally uncomfortable with tears and I don’t look down on those who cry in front of me. Often, I’m envious. Because this isn’t a regular function of my own life, I’ll need your help so that I can understand what that’s communicating for you and how you would like me to respond. I’m sorry, I just don’t cry much.
-Time alone/apart is necessary for me: I think that ‘quality time’ is the love language that is best communicated to me. Nothing tells me that someone cares about me more than their willingness to spend time with me. I used to think that there was a bottomless pit of desire for time together in me. I’ve since realized that this is not true. In fact, everyone needs time apart and time alone; even from the people that mean the most to you. So, it is true with me. This doesn’t seem like a big deal until it gets applied to lives that are frenetically busy. If I’ve not gotten to spend time alone or time apart with my friends, our time together will begin to communicate less ‘love’ than it previously did. Don’t mistake this as my preface to justifying my neglect of our relationship for my own selfish ends because I can’t handle the responsibilities or requirements of a healthy, functioning relationship. I’m aware that a real relationship often requires time that I wouldn’t otherwise volunteer. But I also will need time apart and alone periodically.
-Big groups of new people: I’m sorry, but big groups of people I barely know or don’t know at all are very uncomfortable places for me. This is a terrible medium for me to feel like I’m getting to know people. When presented with such a setting, I’ll gravitate toward a corner to lean up against and try my best to go unnoticed. I’m aware that this can be very frustrating and may seem childish. But, again, being honest about myself, there’s something about this setting that is almost paralyzing to me. You’ll likely not change this about me. I’ve tried for years. Sorry.
Things I know I want:
-A teammate, someone w/ like desires: I think my desired vocation, higher education, is an all-or-nothing sort of endeavor. This is especially true for a live-in, residential position that I’ll take for the next 3 to 5 years. This vocation is significant to me because I perceive the work to be significant and filled with valuable pursuits. It is valuable because it’s working with 18-22 year old students who are in the process of evaluating and processing themselves in their world, autonomously for the first time. The opportunity to shape these lives for good is a privilege. It’s also terribly consuming in terms of time and emotions. If a significant other is not like-minded about these pursuits, that relationship will likely be strained to a breaking-point. I don’t want to convince someone that this job is worthwhile. I want someone who is excited at the opportunity to affect students in this way as well. I want someone whom I respect to be able to share their lives well, right along with me. You don’t need to be a hall director. You don’t even need to want to ‘work’ at a college. But at the least, you’ve got to desire that I work there. I also hope that you desire, even a little bit, to care for those students and desire their growth as well.
-A question asker/conversationalist: Since leaving for college, one of the things people have told me about myself the most is that I’m a good conversationalist. I hope it’s true. I love to talk with people, especially one-on-one. I think that I can carry the conversation of a relationship for a good long time. However, like so many things in relationships, if this isn’t able to be reciprocated to a certain level, then it will be difficult for the relationship to retain any of its initial enjoyment of company and conversation. I want you to ask me good questions too!
-to be with others while with each other: I’ve got GREAT friends. I know you’d like them too. I’m sure you’ve got some great friends as well. It would be so much fun to get to know them too. If you know my friends, then you’ll know more about me. If you watch how I act around my friends, you’ll know more of me as well. Those who think they know a significant other, without finding out how they are around their friends, is a fool. In order to avoid this, our time cannot simply be ‘one-on-one’. Again, ‘quality time’ is still my biggest love language, and that takes place one-on-one. But In order for me to think that you really want to be a part of my WHOLE life, and vice-versa, you’ve got to be ok being around the others that make of my whole life. This is likely not a huge deal early in a relationship. However, I still want those friendships in my life. It’s very difficult to maintain those if you aren’t interested in spending some of ‘our’ time with them. Things can turn very adversarial very quickly and that’s not going to lead to a good place relationally. My friends and family are great people, I promise! I think you’re great too, so there’s a good chance you’ll enjoy each other if you give them a chance.
-Spiritual maturity: I’m not putting myself on a pedestal. I’m not telling you that you’ve got to have a terminal degree in Theology. I’m simply saying that I’ve grown up my whole life in the Church. I’ve spent the last 15 years honestly trying to pursue a closer relationship with Jesus Christ through studying the Bible, attending Church, prayer, and discourse. I don’t have all the answers. I don’t have everything figured out. But I’ve got some background. A healthy spiritual relationship can be tenuous as it is. I want to feel confident that you’ll respect my ideas and understandings as much as you’ll challenge them. I want to be able to do the same for your ideas.
-Someone to laugh with: On my own, I am a pretty serious and intense person. On my own, I don’t laugh as much as I should. I want to laugh more. I want to be light hearted. I think I just need more help doing that than others.
-Someone who wants to know me deeply: This likely goes back to the desire for a good conversationalist. In the same way that I hope that I communicate that you are special by wanting to know so much of you that I’ll ask you lots of questions about your life, thoughts, opinions, and ideas; so will I feel that way if you ask me about myself in those ways too.
Things I know I don’t want:
-Don’t want to date for 3 years: I don’t think that this is the case for everyone everywhere, but for me, it’s where I’m at right now. I’m 26 years old. I’ve had several substantial relationships in my life up to this point. I (maybe arrogantly) consider myself a relatively self-aware individual. I don’t think I need that long to know someone well enough to be confident to make a decision one way or the other about ‘us’. If after a significant amount of time, if that’s still a question I can’t answer, then I’m going to take that as the answer itself. I don’t think it should take that long for me to decide. At this point I think I’m pretty honest about myself in the context of relationship (probably part of the reason for writing this post in the first place). Relationships, to me at this point, are likely going to be more about letting someone else have an honest look at me and vice-versa. I’m not going to try to convince you I’m someone I’m not. I’ve got shortcomings. I’ve got good stuff as well. If, after seeing all those things together, you think that’s alright… then good. If it’s not… Then let’s not waste our lives hoping things will change our we’ll get answers by osmosis somehow. Again, I’m not saying I can’t change or wont change. I’m just saying, I’ll be honest about who I am to you and I hope you’ll be honest with yourself about who I am as well. That may mean I’m not what you were looking for or not good enough or whatever. That’s ok. Let’s just call it what it is when we know what it is.
-Being another person’s first significant other: I’ve dated 4 girls in my life. I was the first boyfriend for all of them. There’s nothing inherently wrong about that. In fact, we all hear about stories of people marrying the only significant other they’ve ever known. I’m not discounting this as a possible reality for people. However, in my two most recent relationships it seems that some of the same hang-ups have occurred in the same places. Mostly, it’s about realistic expectations. The first relationship, if it doesn’t work out, is often where someone is able to most realistically gauge what should and should be expected. What is realistic? Especially for Christians unfortunately, we’ve all had that ‘God’s got the perfect person for you’ lie crammed down our throats (If that’s shocking for you to hear, I apologize and please ask me to explain it to you sometime before you judge me as too cynical). So, it’s reasonably difficult for someone to come to grips with the reality of how the first person you date falls far short of your expectations because, after all, they’re just a person, and not perfect at all. That happens for everyone, and it happened for me during my first relationship. However, if I’m honest with myself, hearing that I didn’t measure up to some unattainable idea of ‘the perfect person’ consistently from every girlfriend I’ve had through my young life has begun to have pretty negative affects on my perception of myself. And, to a degree (and I’m aware that this may come across as extremely arrogant), I think I’m an ok guy. Maybe I’m all wrong, but I don’t think that I’m such a bad or incomplete or immature person that I really am not a person who is worthy of marriage. And, at this point, I guess that’s why I would be very wary of dating someone who’s never dated before. At some point in my life, I think I’d like to get married. I don’t want to spend the rest of my romantic life being the wrecking ball for people’s unrealistic expectations of who they think they’ll marry. Maybe if I date someone who’s got a better perspective on what to expect, then maybe I won’t have to convince them that I’m not wrong just because I’m not perfect.


In conclusion, I write these things down knowing full well that what I ‘knew’ when I was 17, is not what I know now and I’m sure that what I ‘know’ now is not at all what I’ll know when I’m 30, or even tomorrow. Also, the ‘us’ that I refer to is anyone and no one in particular at all. I'm aware that alot of this stuff is more personal than one might consider it wise to plaster on the web for all to see. To that I remind you that this is more for me than for you. I don't expect anyone to 'do' anything about this. It's good for me to articulate these things for myself. I am who I am, and if you know about this, it's ok. That's all. Whoa, this is a lot post. Leave a comment if you read it all the way through.

Ice Storm 2008

On Thursday night Warsaw was subject to ice storm 2008. It resulted in Warsaw Schools cancelling the last day of classes for the semeseter, which meant my dad got to start his Christmas break early. It also left some pretty sweet remnants. Enjoy the pictures.

'healthy'?

How long does it take to move past a three year long relationship? You will give no answer because you’ll say there’s no formula and that looks different for everyone. To which I ask, slightly restate, at what point is it unhealthy to be moved past a three year long relationship? Again, you have trouble answering because you say each relationship is unique and has its own scars and its own baggage. Is it a measure of emotional stability? Are we simply talking about the passage of time? Does it mean solving the problems that caused the break downs? At what point can I confidently claim myself healthy again?

In my life, and I assume in the lives of most others, there have been experiences that took only a moment to occur that I’m still trying to understand and are likely still affecting me. Then there are also experiences that have occurred over months and years of my life, at the end of which, affect change in me instantaneously and then have held little to no bearing on the rest of my life. All the while, for both circumstances, the whole of my life has continued to move along.

So what do you or I know about healthy? Either of us could be minutes away from an unknown moment that will shake our lives or we could have something in our lives right now that is going to be the persistent prelude to a change that we never thought to have expected was occurring. Either way, these things will happen regardless of our preparedness for it; our ‘health’. Life’s not a jigsaw puzzle. We don’t deal with one thing at a time in our lives like one puzzle piece after another.

So, maybe I shouldn’t try to shut everything else off until I think I’ve put all the pieces back together. Maybe I should. What do I know?

The Post

So, Saturday, on my first night back in Warsaw for Christmas break I met up with a group of friends from my graduate program who were heading to Pierceton, IN (a little town right beside Warsaw) to a little bar called ‘The Post’. Why? One girl’s uncle plays in a rock band who had a gig there that night. Hilarious. Show stared at 9:30pm and I was not terribly optimistic about what we were going to encounter. But hey, good friends + Podunk bar + old man rock band = I’m down for the experience. And, wow, did it turn out to be an experience. ‘The Post’ used to be the old post office in Pierceton, and let’s just say that upon entering the smoky room, there were more Stetson cowboy hats than I was used to seeing all in one place. Also, there was a $3 cover charge. Funny, I think that’s the same amount I pay at Taylor to go see up and coming indie bands… whatever. The most important part of this experience was the dance floor in the middle of the room. The only thing funnier than all the cowboy hats was watching all the people dancing. Funniest of all was a big cowboy with a black hat on, who I guess was probably 6’4” with a big old goatee, dancing with a woman much smaller than him. I suspect they were both in their mid to late 30’s. They stayed out on the dance floor the whole night. He sang every word of every song to her while she seemed to make minimal facial expressions. After every song he gave her an awkward hug. Best of all… …wait for it… …as the night wore on he would unbutton another button on his shirt. By the end of the night his shirt was open just above his belly with chest hair on full display, still singing the words to his dance partner in his big black cowboy hat. HAAA! My other favorite was this little guy who wasn’t a cowboy at all and seemed to be very out of place. He was in baggy jeans with a gold necklace and tennis shoes. He wore a white baseball cap tilted off to the side. He was dancing around in big circles apparently with everyone and no one all at the same time with a grin on his face. He seemed peculiarly out of place. Sara and Laura got on stage to sign with her uncle. They were rock stars for sure except I don’t think their mic was turned up. Woops. Don’t worry though, the Shorby Shuffle had to make it’s presence felt. Sorry Nate.

So, I’m about to fly halfway across the globe to the Czech Republic. It’s going to be a cultural experience. I also drive across the county line from time to time. That can be a cultural experience too. GIDDYUP! Thanks for bringing me along Sara, Laura, and Jenn.

Potential Employers

Here's the current list of schools I know I'll consider applying for this spring, in no particular order.

Eastern (near Philadelphia)
Lehigh (Bethlehem, PA)
Messiah (PA)
Temple (Philadelphia)
Philadelphia Biblical
Gordon (Boston)
Emmanuel (Boston)
Belmont (Nashville)
Lipscomb (Nashville)
Lee (TN)
Union (TN)
Notre Dame
North Park (Chicago)
Trinity International (Chicago)
Calvin (MI)
Bethel (Minneapolis)

Other considerations:
Northwestern (IA)
Taylor
Butler (Indy)
Huntington
Malone (OH)
Grace College (Tracy talked about applying to be an RD, so that's how it make it on the list)
Cornerstone (MI)
Oberlin (OH)

Any other suggestions???

With Honors

The final for our Spiritual Formation class was a 10 page paper on the 1994 film, With Honors. Cheesy on the surface. Less cheesy a few layers below. So, in the spirit of an 11 day span between the return from Thanksgiving break to the beginning of Christmas break that was overrun by student issues and getting owned by the cold my dad passed onto me at Thanksgiving, I pulled the last all-niter of 2008 last Monday writing this thing. I think it could have made for a cheesy movie of it's own. Mondays are always full of meetings for me, but this one had the first meetings starting at 11am and they went back to back from then until 10:45pm. At which point, of course, I gave Kyle a call and headed to The Sunshine Cafe with laptops and good intentions of getting to work in tote. The whole reason we went was because Kyle was cashing in on a deal we made for him to sit in my apartment that smelled like rotten eggs, but that's another story for another time. When we arrived at the diner the first problem we encountered was a lack of electrical outlets. Welp, guess we're not writing the whole paper here cause our computer batteries wont last that long. The second problem arrived with Missy showing up to give us some cookies. What ensued was about an hour and a half of more GREAT conversation about whatever. The third problem reared it's ugly head when she left and we realized that neither of us wanted to write this thing. So, after filling up on crappy, greasy diner food, we gave it our best effort for about an hour and then headed home around 2:15am. Class starts at 9am, so what better thing to do then call up friends at the post and work there? And, believe it or not, we did. Emily, Rody, and Sara were already at work. Kyle and I joined and got right down to business. The three girls finished and went to sleep. Kyle and I stayed up and completed Kyle's first legitimate all-niter for academic reasons (BOOYEAH!). We finished up at 7:30am with enough time to run home for a shower and change of clothes. Good friends. Good memories.

Overall, I didn't think this movie was terribly worthy of such in-depth critique. However, there was a great excerpt from Whitman.
‘You shall no longer take things at second or third hand nor look through the eyes of the dead nor feed on the specters in books. You shall not look through my eyes either nor take things from me. You shall listen to all sides and filter them from yourself.’
–Walt Whitman Song of Myself

Thesis Thanksgiving

Before Thanksgiving Break my thesis data collection was administered. Every male student in a residence hall was given my survey as a supplement to the standard residence life survey. I have a response rate of about 600, which is huge. I'm very excited about this. My data set will be substantial and hopefully, that means significant when all is said and done. I collected all of the responses before I headed home for the break. My mom and I spent several hours together entering about 100 of them onto the computer. Between working with Sara during Jumping Bean shifts and afternoons at the Rusty Post (Let's be honest, I'm a poor research assistant... sorry) as well as commandeering the help of my PA staff for a few minutes after one of our meetings, I've got about 360 entered. I head into the Christmas break with 250 or so left to enter. What else could a guy want to do with 3 weeks during the Christmas season than enter data for a research thesis? ha.

Back to Thanksgiving. Dad was down for the count with a bad cold (which he passed onto me right before I left) and Tracy was working like a good poor graduate student has to. This left my mom and I to spend tons of time together during the break. It was great! I can't recall the last time that I spent that much intentional time with only my mother. We caught up on all sorts of stuff. She's been worried about me this semester, as I'm sure most mothers would in response to that sort of stuff. It was good to be able to share everything with her and give her a chance to ask questions and give her answers. So often when I call home, I talk to dad only. I forget that she's left with answers mediated to her by someone else. Though, I know she's understanding, I'm trying to do a better job of calling and talking directly to her as much as I call dad.

Since she's been retired and since I've spent more time with her without so much stress in her life, I think I'm discovering more about how we're similar. This Thanksgiving I realized that we are similar in our low-key personalities and our mutual lazze-fare approach to decisions on unimportant things. I mean, who cares what restaurant we go eat at anyway? Not mom or I. Just choose. Thank you.

Shorbs

As was written about a month ago, in my previous post, I headed out to my friends, the Shorbs, in a pretty pathetic emotional state all over again. As communication was traded, things were said that threw me into a tailspin. The 20 hours of driving out to P.A. & back was alone time long overdue. It's something I'd been avoiding like the plague for about 6 weeks at that point. It's very difficult for me to go without time alone, so by this point, its fair to say that I was pretty raged. Nate & Erica took me in and through their friendship, I think God filled me up and put me back on my feet. The whole weekend was wonderful. However, I think that I would have driven the whole way out there to have our conversation Friday night only to jump back in the car and drive all the way back and counted it time well spent. I'd been in a haze for the better part of the semester up until then. Everything was reaction and fighting to be OK. In our time good questions were asked; truth was spoken; challenges leveled; and care communicated. God spoke to me through the mouths of Nate and Erica the whole weekend, but that first night's conversation especially. Thank you Lord.

The rest of the weekend was filled with college visits to Eastern and Lehigh (I think it's safe to say that the visit firmly cemented eastern PA as a top location of choice for my job search in the spring). We also made the obligatory pilgrimage to Pat's in downtown Philadelphia for cheesesteaks even in the monsoon rains. Other highlights were band practice, 3 church services, family lunch at the Shorbs (Nate's parents), and young adults Bible study.

I drove home on Monday with clarity I'd not had since August. The change in my heart and head seemed unbelievable. As things have sunk in for the past month, it's not left me. Though this was not originally my choice, I am choosing to move forward and I feel confident there is wisdom here. Hindsight is 20/20 (as Mr. Grose, my 12th grade Govt. teacher always said) and some of haziness that's begun to come into focus are important.

I left, living a life that was 'numb' and afraid to be overwhelmed. I returned with a clarity that my life can move in the direction of 'healthy'. Thank you Nate and Erica.

Everything's all messed up.

Musica

So, one of my Lighthouse students emailed me last night asking me what some of my favorite music of the semester has been. I responded with this and thought I should turn it into a blog post.

(Anonymous Student)-
First, let me apologize for the fact that I've just received this email while working at the Jumping Bean for the afternoon with little business and no work to do. Thus, I've got nothing but time to respond to this question I'm sure was asked, expecting a short response. So, here we go.

Let's start with individual songs thus far in the semester:
(Song Title - Artist)
Dear Prudence - The Beatles
Sissyneck - Beck
Lost! & Violet Hill - Coldplay
Medication - Damien Jurado
Dogs 0 Damien Rice
Marching Bands of Manhatten - Death Cab for Cutie
O Valencia! - The Decembrists
The Blood - The Frames
Wake me up when September Ends - Green Day
One Man Wrecking Machine & Keep It Together - Guster
Weary Memory - Iron & Wine
Wrong Turn & If I Could - Jack Johnson
New York Not My Home - Jim Croce
Gravity - John Mayer
Folsom Prison Blues - Johnny Cash
Under the Weather - KT Tunstall
Grace Kelly - MIKA
Missed the Boat - Modest Mouse
The Long Day is Over - Norah Jones
Right on Time - O.A.R.
Drunkard's Prayer - Over the Rhine
New Shoes - Paolo Nutini
Hang on Little Tomato - Pink Martini
Summer in the City - Regina Spektor
October - Rosie Thomas
English Girls Approximately & Avalanche - Ryan Adams
Those to Come - The Shins
Heart - Stars
Romulus - Sufjan Stevens
This is My Story, This is My Song - Thelonious Monk
Ball & Biscuit - The White Stripes
Either Way - Wilco
Warrior - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Albums:
(Artist - Album Title)
Anathallo - Hymns
The Beatles - White Album (Disk 1&2)
Coldplay - Viva La Vida
Damien Jurado - Ghost of David
Explosions in the Sky - The Earth is not a Cold Dead Place
Format - Interventions & Lullabies
Guster - Ganging Up On the Sun
Iron & Wine - Our Endless Numbered Days
The Killers - Hot Fuss
Miles Davis - Kind of Blue
Modest Mouse - Good News for People who Love Bad News
The Postal Service - Give Up
Regina Spektor - Begin to Hope
The Shins - Chutes too Narrow

Significant Days

These days are significant. This election was significant, maybe for the political, but especially for the symbolic. I heard someone say that there hasn't been such large electoral college support for a president since Lyndon Baines Johnson in the 60's. His acceptance speech last night... ...inspiring. Our natural response to the sight of our highest elected official at a podium, in front of a microphone should not be cringing or reaching for the remote to turn down the volume. I am excited about the American President, again possessing the ability to elicit feelings of respect and thoughts of hope from those who hear his words. I think this quality exists outside of the the partisain political arena; having little to do with tax plans or government programs. Though such thoughts and feelings can be had in these areas as well, I think that an American President should be able to excell at the symbolic nature of his role, as well as the poltical one. I hope he can bring about even some of the changes he's spoken of, but at least as important to me... ...inspire me! Inspire my students! Inspire my parents about the oportunities and possibilities present in their lives at this time and in this place if we consider a paradigm shift toward serving others before ourselves, and serving together instead of on our own. In his own words, "So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism; of service and responsibility where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after not only ourselves, but each other."

There are certainly more and higher places to which I look for hope, value, significance and meaning in my life. However, for as much as an imperfect man who's authority and leadership we submit ourselves to is capable, I hope that you were inspired last night, even a little bit. And I hope that he is able call us to more unity, compassion, and selflessness through his inspiration in the months and years ahead of us.

Approval

As of 10am Saturday morning my research proposal was accepted unanimously by the department. BOOYEAH! It's now moved on to be submitted to Taylor's I.R.B. for approval. I'm hoping for notification within a week.

Though parting ways with friends after college is difficult, it makes the time with these people later in life seem so good and so beneficial. Time with Phil was very good. Sushi and a new entry into the journal, of course. We met Michelle for lunch and it was fun to ask her questions and see how the two of them share the same space. I think there's something necessary about having someone in your life periodically who knows you outside of your current context and circumstance. Maybe it's the ability to step away from an expected role one plays too often, or maybe it's the weight of time that such a person's inquiry carries with it. Ultimately, I think it's simply the sincerity and depth of a friendship that persists in the face of seperate lives and different spaces. There's comfort and refuge to be taken in these relationships. Thank you Phil for a breath of fresh air.

Yesterday I turned in the last big assignment I have academically for the semester until the last week of class. Though a front loaded semester made for a hecktic last 3 weeks, especially, I'm looking forward to a schedule that I can fill up with one-on-one meetings with students. Coffee anyone?

yawn

Sunday - Stayed up all night. Wrote an EXTREMELY frustrating paper for Spiritual Formation class. (Had the best conversation of the year up to this point with Caleb and Ben during the middle of the night)
Monday - 5 hours of sleep. Late PA meetings followed by a phone call that left me sleepless for quite a while.
Tuesday - 4 hours of sleep. meetings with students till late followed by 6am wake up for work @ the coffee shop the next day.
Wednesday - Stayed up all night again! Ended up rewriting my entire lit review for my thesis proposal. Good news: it was officially submitted to the department at 7am this morning.
Tonight - Falling asleep as soon as I finish this post... Ahhh sweet sweet sleep how you've been so elusive to me this week.

It's been a long time since I've done 2 all-niters in one week. I hope it's another long time before I do it again.

ruffles

Amy and I talked over Skype this morning with Joanie, our Czech host. It was very encouraging to get answers to some of the questions our team's had over the past month and a half. Looks like we'll be spending most of our days in english & gym classes between elementary school through high school & even some adult learning oportunities as well. In the evenings it sounds like we'll be inviting the school kids to hang out with us at local pubs and our residence. We'll also be spending time working with gypsy communities (Roma) and childrens' homes. Evidently our first weekend in the country we'll be helping host a soccer tournament with some of the younger kids in the area. Overall, the excitement level was raised more than I thought there was room for, to be quite honest. I can't wait to share the news with our team on Monday.

This afternoon & evening Amy and I ran down to Indy to see a movie. Afterwards we were walking through an outdoor mall and she asked if we could look for a present for one of her friends who's birthday is this week. We walked in to Ann Taylor Loft and Amy sort of walked around looking for stuff. As I stood in the back of the store for a few minutes I started to look around the store. Angela liked Ann Taylor alot because they have a good petite section with clothes that are her size. I identified this section and spotted several tops that she would have looked at. Had we walked into this store together this is what would have happened. We would have walked to the petite section and begun perusing. She would have picked up this yellow short sleeved top with little ruffles down the middle and looked at it. I would have walked over and said that looked very nice and that she should get it. She would have agreed but then put it back on the rack and walked away. I would have waited until after she'd finished looking around and then picked it back up and encouraged her to get it. She would dismiss it as too expensive, to which, I would have said I wanted to buy it for her. Once I would have convinced her that I really wanted to get it to help build her work clothes wardrobe, then she would walk back to the rack, look at the shirt and then put it down and looked at several other ones behind it that looked similar, but with different colors and no ruffles. She would have picked up a brown one that was a few behind the yellow one and ask what I thought of that one. I would have told her that i thought that one was nice too. Ultimately she would decide to let me purchase the brown one for her even though she likes little ruffles alot, because she doesn't like the way that yellow looks on her (she says her skin is too pale) and she thinks brown is much safer for work.

I wanted to sit down on a stool in the shoe section and cry for knowing how specifically that would have played out.

Thank you Andrew and Amy for getting me through this weekend. Everyone comes back from Fall Break tomorrow night, and it wont be a moment too soon, I'm sure.

Lighthouse

Last winter and spring I spent quite a bit of time thinking and praying and fretting about sponsoring a Lighthouse trip for this school year. I was in the throws of an extremely demanding semester and frankly, was not sure I had it in me to take on another committment. As a student, I went on a Lighthouse trip that was very formative for me. I had great leaders and a team dynamic that was very positive. It was very important for me that I would be able to commit myself to a team's preparation and development sufficiently. I think what eventually pushed me over the edge enough to make a decision was that my friend Amy Barnett found out from her supervisor that he'd let her lead a trip this year (Amy's wanted to lead a lighthouse trip for some time now, but her job's calendar isn't very conducive to taking the month of January off). Sometime in late April we found out we were going to be leading the trip to the Czech Republic. BOOYEAH!

My Lighthouse experience as a student was also to the Czech Republic, which only increased my already high level of excitement. We'll be working with the same host missionary (Joanie), that I worked with as a student. I'm very excited. Over the summer Amy and I got to select our team of 16 students. 5 guys and 11 girls. I was suprised at how few of the applicants I knew. Again, this was a process covered in prayer over a week or so. Amy and I spent several summer nights sitting in her back yard by a fire talking about plans and desires for our team, the most significant of which, was the idea that we wanted to foster the idea that God is not waiting to work in my life this January while I'm in Czech. In fact, He's at work right here; right now. It's our goal throughout the semester to pose the question 'How do you observe God at work in your life right now?' often. We've also challenged them to consider packing their bags for the month in such a way that they would be able to donate everything they bring to the missions organization except for the clothes on their back and a souvineer or two.

Since school has started, we've had team meetings every Monday night for a few hours. We also went on a 24 hr. retreat to my parents' place on the lake on weekend. Honestly, my excitement for them has grown with each interaction! Each of these students is fabulous. At the end of each meeting, after everyone leaves, Amy and both look at each other with huge smiles. They are 16 unique and engaging personalities. We're meeting one-on-one with each student throughout the semester, which has also been such a blessing. These students, individually, and this team, as a group, are special. I can already tell. They may not know how well they're going to fit together yet, but Amy and I already see it.

Amy and I went to Payne's tonight and got some coffee and talked for a while. The conversation eventually got to lighthouse and I think we must have spent a good hour to hour and a half laughing and talking about our team. We made a several predictions and lists in the same vain as yearbook 'most likely to' stuff. For instance, 'person most likely to punch a crying girl on the trip ____'. We also decided to both journal about our personal goals for each student on the team. This will be good to direct my individual time with these students.

In Lighthouse, I see maybe the most tangeable mainfestation of God's sovreignty in my life. Last spring, when I agreed to lead a trip, I was unsure about whether I had the time for this or the discipline to juggle all of my priorities correctly. I also would not have guessed how things have changed with Angela and I. I think that this group of students stands to be the direct beneficiary of that change. As I will now have more of myself to offer them personally and emotionally. I think that they will likely fill at least part of a very empty spot in my heart over the next few months. I hope that this is beneficial for all involved.

Lighthouse was a big deal for me as a student. I learned alot about the poor and marginalized, the world outside of America, the global church, culture, diversity, faith, the great commission, and loving people. None of these concepts were new to me at the time, and in fact, I would have said that I had a fairly deep understanding of several of these things before I left. But the experience shifted things for me. New perspective is so powerful and so often worthwhile. One of my most repeated prayers for these 16 students is that this experience offers that to them as well. These are things that occur outside of the details of a well delivered program. They are things that happen outside of reading a book and writing a paper about it. They are sensed and formed through the nuances and intricacies of personal experience. I hope that even in spite of Amy and I, that they are able to experience this shift. I pray that God is bringing together the perfect storm, of sorts, in their lives right now so that their experience in Czech is valuable and significant, and purposeful, and new.

I barely know most of these students at all, but I have already found them endeered to me in so many ways. God be with us in our efforts to give you glory by the way we show love to one another over the rest of this semester and while we travel to Czech.

how about orange?

I think the theme of today was coming to terms with the idea that I need other people to help me. I may not like it. It may not be comfortable. I may not find it very easy. I still need to let other people help me if I hope to move through the coming weeks and months in a healthy way. And maybe that involves more overt coordination than I think is appropriate or maybe that means being ok with the fact that some people are going to let me sit and talk with them more now because they understand I need it more now than before. Humility. Perhaps I need to be ok with being a 'project' for some right now. Maybe that's not an innately wrong concept. I certainly identify students at times who I think I need to spend more time with or effort toward because of situations occuring in their lives. Why should I take offense to others approaching me in this same way?

Admittedly, It's very difficult for me to submit myself to other people in this way. Maybe it's pride or fear or insecurity or masculinity or something else. No matter what it is, I think I just need to come to terms with the fact that I'm hurting alot more than I understand right now, and I'm not big enough to handle it on my own. Even if I was, that whole mindset is incongruent with a Christian approach to relationships. If I can be there for someone else I can let someone else be there for me.

Thank the Lord for good, honest, considerate, genuine, patient, gentile friends.

To Write Love On Her Arms

Tonight I attended a presentation by Jamie Tworkowski, founder of To Write Love On Her Arms. Powerful thoughts by a follower of Jesus showing God's redemptive love in ways that purposefully resist cheap labels. I pray we continue to love one another authentically, not because we're 'trying to be real', but because we genuinely see the image of God in each others lives. May God be glorified by these jars of clay. May we communicate that to one another by the ways we treat each other.

Coffee with Alex and Eric was wonderful. I felt genuinely light-hearted. I hope that I know where the two of them end up next year, and the years after. With thesis stuff at a point where it will spend the next several weeks being approved by various people around campus, that work will die down. I'm hoping to fill my schedule with one-on-ones with so many student's who I've not given attention to for the past two months.

Amy sent an email out to our lighthouse team today and accidentally copied me on it. It was about trying to frame my circumstances in a way that made sure they understood it was a big deal and that it would be nice if they went out of their way to tell me they cared about me. Though I know this was done out of sincere motives, it is very difficult to not be very frustrated by this. It's exactly one of the biggest reasons I have been so hesitant to tell people. I don't need to be a project. And I don't need special consideration, especially from my students. I mean, the last thing I want is for one of these student's I've known for a month and a half over a few hour long meetings to feel the weight of trying to step into this space of my life feeling even remotely responsible for my spiritual or emotional well-being. That's not for them. It would be one thing for one or two of them to want to extend some extra encouragement my way of their own accord, but that this sort of thing would be prompted by some more coordinated effort is difficult for me to appreciate.

And as I read this email maybe it's more evidence of an unhealthy expectation of myself. Maybe I need the community no matter the method or medium. Maybe I need anyone and everyone to take a little responsibility for my well-being considering the changes. What do I know?

hugs & vomit

I stayed up late last night doing school work. I was pretty tired when I went to bed. But I ended up staying up rediculously late wondering what she's been up to these past three weeks since we last talked. I wonder how school's been for her. Has her 5th period class still been giving her trouble? Has she thought up something fun and creative for her core plus class? Is she still teaching on Romiette and Julio? I wonder if she's been staying at school late still, or if she's going home and spending more time with her apartment girls. Does she feel a little bit colder these days? I certainly do, especially on the weekends when I'm sitting on my couch alone. Does she notice the missing hugs as much as I do? I thought about that today... strange. I am craving hugs right now.

She was here during homecoming this weekend. I think that contributed to me not coming out of the apartment this weekend. That would have been really difficult. I mean, I think I'm fighting hard to hold it together right now. If I'd happened to cross paths with her accidently I may well have broken into a lot of little pieces on the spot.

I told my PA's and my Lighthouse team about the breakup tonight. It made me want to vomit again. As I was riding in the car with Amy I figured out why. Every time I tell someone else it forces me to realize that this is more real than before. As if by not telling anyone I would somehow be suspending it somewhere between reality and imagination. That's pathetic, but it also makes sense. I think my initial coping mechanism is to feel numb to everything, allowing me to feel some sense of emotional stability. However, it's causing me to be unable to be joyful or lighthearted when people around me are. Because if I let myself feel happy, then I'll also have to let myself feel devistatingly sad. Thus, by telling someone out loud about it, it overwhelms my emotional self with reality so abruptly that my body responds with a nautious feeling. I've been trying to understand this for the past 3 weeks. Maybe understanding will bring relief.

Modeled masculinity and it's effects on male college student engagement

I'm taking a break from school work. Ben, Caleb and I have been working at Payne's since 6:15 this evening. Mostly working on back checking citations I've used for my thesis proposal. Let me tell you how enjoyable that is. More enjoyable than taking my first drink of soy milk from Ben's Latte something or other that he ordered. Let's just say it tastes about as good as it smells when you steam that stuff. Not good.

My thesis topic is on modeled masculinity and it's effects on male student engagement in college. I have been researching this topic for almost two years now. During my first year back at Taylor the hall director I worked with wanted to make a presentation at a national conference that our staff would be attending in the summer and challenged me to get on board because it would help me get my feet wet heading into masters study the following year. I agreed and as we considered all of the different aspects of student life that we'd delt with during the semester, the topic of male student disengagement peeked our interest and away we went.

Student engagement (almost synonymous with the term involvement) is defined as the amount of physical or psychological energy that a student puts forth into any academically positive experience. Academically positive experiences occur both inside and outside of the classroom. They include things like asking questions in class, incorporating information from an outside class into the current class, co-curricular activities like student leadership positions or student activities cabinets, service learning projects, intramurals, attending various seminars and lecture series on campus, etc. Engagement also includes less formal things like building relationships with students of a different ethnicity, socio-economic, or geo-political background than you.

That spring I conducted a small scale qualitative study of 8 students in my residence hall; 4 students I considered ‘engaged’ and 4 that I considered ‘disengaged’. The study yielded two notable findings. First, the biggest contrast was that the ‘engaged’ students had older male mentors or role models in their lives and the ‘disengaged’ students did not. Second, The ‘disengaged’ students were less able to identify unrealistic characteristics of a male TV or movie character they perceived as the traditional man.

As I’ve spent the last year or so in more formal research of the topic, I’ve decided to look specifically at how masculinity is connected to student engagement. My research on masculinity has been very intriguing. First, masculinity is predominantly a social construction (i.e. boys learn what ‘being a man’ is from observing other men in their lives as they develop). Traditional masculinity , as defined my many sociologist and psychologist, constitutes four primary focuses: competition, status, toughness, and emotional stoicism. Men who embodied these focuses were integrated into society pretty functionally 40 years ago because there was a high level of congruence with the socio-cultural expectations of men at the time. Time has changed and culture along with it. We find men and women on a much more even playing field in most aspects of life: educational, vocational, relational, marital, etc. Unfortunately, for a broad range of attributed reasons, masculinity is being constructed (modeled) with the same traditional focuses. This incongruence between the modeled traditional masculinity and the new social expectations of men are causing any number of negative side effects the broader culture. My research steps into this space to gauge it’s effects specifically on male college students’ level of engagement.

Higher education has begun to feel the disengagement of male students, especially by student development professionals (i.e. residence hall directors, student programs directors, etc.). Male students are vastly outnumbered in applying for leadership positions, attending campus events, participating in class discussions, etc. A researcher by the name of George Kuh at Indiana University has been conducting a large scale data collection through an instrument he developed call the National Survey of Student Engagement (NSSE) since 2001. A lot of schools, big and small, use this instrument because of the prevailing culture of assessment on college campuses. His research shows that male students are less engaged than women right now and they are much less engaged than they were 10 years ago. Again, this is where my research steps in by finding out if there’s any attribution to the trend. Certainly a trend this wide spread has more going on than simply not programming well enough or catering enough to the needs of college men. Male students are still entering college reporting just as high of expectations as women and as men did ten years ago, but they aren’t following through with those expectations.

In a culture of video-games, facebook, and iPhones, male students are certainly doing things with their time. Why is it that these other things are so much more appealing to them during their college years than engaging in the college experience they’re spending their money for? I’ll be looking to see if there is any correlation between their measured level of traditional masculinity and their level of engagement in college. Certainly this is not the whole answer, but I would be surprised if I found no correlation. It’s also a good start, as a student development professional, to be able to get more to the root of the issues with a student spending hours a day at a video game or checking facebook.

Regina Spektor

I sat in my apartment alone doing nothing last night and I'm doing the same tonight. I told myself all week that I didn't want to do this, but here I am. I wonder why noone's called or tried to make plans with me prior to the weekend arriving, and then I remind myself that I can't remember the last weekend during the school year that I made plans with anyone other than her. And it's not like I'm running around proclaiming my vacant weekends to anyone either. I shouldn't expect others to read my mind. All in all, it's shaping up to be another very long weekend. Why can't I just pick up the phone and call around to find something to do?

Phil and Michelle came up today for Homecoming. Talking to him this afternoon for a few hours was a breath of fresh air. I'd pay alot of money right now to live the next six months or so with him in an apartment in Indy again.

I've been listening to Regina Spektor's song Summer in the City alot. I dont know if it's the forlorn way she sings the song that seems to echo how I feel inside, or something about the lyrics of the song itself.


Summer in the city
means cleavage cleavage cleavage
And I start to miss you, baby, sometimes
I've been staying up and drinking in a late night establishment
Telling strangers personal things

Summer in the city,
I'm so lonely lonely lonely
So I went to a protest just to rub up against strangers
And I did feel like coming but I also felt like crying
It doesn't seem so worth it right now

And the castrated ones stand in the corner smoking
They want to feel the bulges in their pants start to rise
At the site of a beautiful woman they feel nothing but
Anger, her skin makes them sick in the night
nauseaous, nauseaous, nauseaous

Summer in the city,
I'm so lonely lonely lonely
I've been hallucinating you, babe, at the backs of other women
And I tap on their shoulder and they turn around smiling
But there's no recognition in their eyes

Oh summer in the city
means cleavage cleavage cleavage
And don't get me wrong, dear, in general I'm doing quite fine
It's just when it's summer in the city, and you're so long gone from the city
I start to miss you, baby, sometimes
When it's summer in the city And you're so long gone from the city
I start to miss you, baby, sometimes
I start to miss you, baby, sometimes
I start to miss you, baby,


Things to talk about in future posts:
1) what to take away from the past 3 years
2) my Thesis
3) the Czech Republic
4) presidential election
5) Cubs
6) the job search
7) new music

Peers

Sometimes things change abruptly and it offers a new perspective on your life. In my case... I don't know that I have any peers in my life with any regularity. There are not alot of 26 year old, unmarried, male graduate student, assistant hall directors at a small Christian campus in Indiana. Maybe this is the case with all of us if we choose to see ourselves as defined by 4 or 5 demographic labels all at once. Whatever the reason, this is what I'm thinking about this afternoon. I've got alot of things going on inside without anyone to feel totally at ease about sharing them all with and simply taking in their responses without trying to frame it in some way. Maybe this is evidence of more root issues... I have a hard time trusting as fully as I should. Though this is not a new observation about myself, this reality seems to be hightened all the more, considering the changes. Who do I talk to and whom can I sense genuinely cares and genuinely understands? Ultimately, this thought process is pretty selfish, but still frustrating all the same.

Lets try this again...

I think there is an inverse relationship between the size of the crowd and the level of perceived loneliness. This coffee bar feels more like a cage than a workplace at the moment.

I hope I go to visit Shorb over fall break. Phil's coming up tonight to save me. My mom and sister came down for Airband last night...

I'm still in a fog. I wonder how long it will last.

Blogging is one of the most conceited things I can think of

In spite of this, here I am, knocking on the door of the 2nd quarter century of my life and looking to jump back into the blogosphere again.... what a LOSER! It's unfortunate that I give into the negative peer-pressure of my old roommate Phil (yep... alot's changed since the last post), Angela, and Ben Taylor. It's stupid to want to do this again. 1. I have little time (or so I tell myself). 2. I can't tell any stories or get on any soap boxes because they'll likely be about the students I work with (who are all tech-smarter than me, so they could find this thing and be pissed. Not to mention that I probably need to be talking to those students about those things directly anyway...). But, for 'strolling down nostalgia lane' purposes, we'll see if I can't find a spare minute here or there to jot down a few thoughts from time to time. Don't hold your breath for any 'State of the Yoder Address' sized posts anytime soon. However, in spite of all this mumbling and grumbling.... here we are, back at it again. So, Phil and Angela, eat your hearts out. I love you both.