Anonymous Posts

PS: never leave an anonymous post on here. It confuses and frustrates me, especially like the one left on my last post. It was very insightful and solid, but I have no idea who it is who posted it. Come on! So, if you were the anonymous poster... ...let me know it was you.

Christmas time

My Christmas vacation was a good one. I can't begin to say how good it was to again have my sister back and without ten thousand things going on so that she could actually talk to me again. I got back home on wednesday night and i think that she and i stayed up till1am catching up on the past 2 months worth of both of our lives. It was a long time coming and very much needed. It was tough to leave at the end knowing that she's going to be just as busy this coming semester and it's likely that we will probably go through the same sort of very sparse contact for such a long period of time. Hopefully the Christmas time was enough to carry through though. She's going to India on a lighthouse trip over J-Term and I'm pretty excited about it. Lighthouse was such an experience all of it's own for me and I hope that she will have the same sorts of experiences as well. She's talked about staying with me in Indy for J-Term break, so that would be a good time to get to hear all the stories and see all the pictures.

The four of us decided to do Christmas on Christmas Eve, which was a nice little change. I was pretty excited to give the gifts i'd gotten for mom and dad. I felt pretty good about this being the first year in quite a few that I didn't do all my shopping the day before and have to scramble and guess and what would be nice to give them and stuff. It always came out a bit on the impersonal side of things. This year, however, I've known what I was going to get them as soon as december rolled around. I was most excited about giving mom a little personalized coaster set that you can put pictures in, so I took pictures of all four of us and cut them to size and fit them in. She really liked them, and I was happy about the most creative gift I've made in a while. Though I looked for 3 weeks for a gift or two to get Tracy, i came up empty and was relegated to the cheesy movies and hand lotion stuff 2 days before. And because of that shopping 2 days before christmas I reaffirmed my loathing of all things Wal-Mart. Controlled chaos. Nothing else. I could have punched someone in that place i think.

Angela got her gift that I sent her. I thought it was a pretty good gift considering where everything is with that. I got a nice three picture frame and put some pictures from the weekend she was down decorating at the apartment in there. I was a little dissapointed that she didn't call, but wrote an email instead, but she's been working lots of hours over the holiday, so I've had to remind myself that not hearing from her or being able to get ahold of her very easily is not because she's trying to avoid me. I'm going up there for new years. I'm stoked. I decided the other day that we're having a big talk sometime during the night. (any guesses on how many times i'll put my foot in my mouth for that one?)

My dad and I got into a bit of an arguement sunday night that really lit me up. I mean I was pissed! And I remember sitting in my room and thinking, wow, if I decided I was offended enough about it, i could pack all my junk up right now and leave for indy. It would have cut short the family time by a day. I didn't cause I dont think that it was at all necessary and everything blew over like no big deal. However, I couldn't stop thinking about that for the next 2 days. Never before have I had that as a legitimate possibility. It scared the crap out of me and I began to realize how easy it is for families to turn into such wrecks. I was pretty depressed about that realization for a good solid 48 hours. It's much easier for families to be functional when everyone lives under the same roof. As soon as people live in different houses and different states it can get dicy. It gives people a way out... an oportunity to run away instead of deal with the problem or situation. It would not be hard to cause a whole slew of jumped conclusions and assumptions about what everyone is thinking and what everyone is feeling also. Then time passes, and then telephone calls attempt to mend bridges and that's so impersonal and allows everyone to downplay things that maybe shouldn't be downplayed and maybe should be dealt with thoroughly. From here on out it will be a much more intentional thing on all our parts to keep our family as functional as it has been all my life thus far. This isn't because of any one person, but more about a change in individual people's circumstance. I hope I don't forget about that. Everyone's going to hurt and get hurt; offend and be offended. It's just the reality of life and relationship. The real question is whether we all can remind ourselves in timely ways what the implications of our words and actions could be and whether those are really justified given whatever situation has just occured. I love my family with all that I am and I hope that I dont ever cause the cohesiveness with which we function to be shaken.

The boss is gone on vacation this week. My roommate is gone on vacation this week. Work is so slow that we dont have to bring people in today or tomorrow. I'm more than a little bored. I'm more than a little lonely. The truck driver that just picked stuff up from the warehouse a few hours ago was the only person I may speak to face to face for about a 36 hour period. WHOA. I hope people call me on the phone or something, cause otherwise I might go insane. Good news though... Phil's coming back tomorrow night and bringing Ben & April. Good news #2... Saturday I get to go see Angela again.... BOOYEAH!

tug-o-war

So, there have been a few times in the last 2 months when i've found myself sort of frustrated. No real object of the frustration. I guess maybe frustration at the realities of the situation i find myself in with this girl. I mean, if I was at Taylor and we had been doing this crazy dance toward starting a relationship, things would be a little different. The biggest difference would be the level of intimate, personal knowledge of one another. There would have been about a million coffee dates and all the random run-in's as well as im sure 10 big depressing emails from me (I've managed to keep it down to one this time). I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is a small tug-o-war in me. On the one hand, I know that emotionally, I am very attached to this person. Everything about getting to talk to her or be with her makes my days that much better. In my heart, I think I am ready to start talking 'relationship'. On the other hand, mentally, I remind myself that, even after doing things for 2 months I know about as much intimate, personal detail about her as I have gotten in 2 or 3 conversations with other people. And I ask myself what the heck im thinking about relationships if I dont even know her that personally compared to other girls i've known only to have those fail later on down the road. That's the tension. I've gone back and foreth on this on for about a week. Here are a couple of realizations. I cannot think about how me doing this now compares to me doing this at taylor would match up, cause the situations are simply too different. The number of encounters doesn't work becuase i could have gotten together a million times with her and still been balking at my friends who would try to call it a date. These are real dates. These are intetional things with very intentional reasons. Her agreeing to go on a date with me now is telling me about a Shakesperian sonnet's worth of information compared to what getting together for coffee at Taylor would have told me. anyone can sit down for coffee with anyone at taylor and it still be safe to make whatever you will out of it. Not so for agreeing to go to indy with someone who doesn't even go to school anymore. I need to give that more pull in this little tension of mine than i allow it. Here's another thing... When I was at school everything about 'relationships' hinged around time and knowledge. Do I know her with little to no depth yet to be charted? Have we spent enough time to constitute knowing each other well enough to make such a committment as 'dating'. Here's where i'm beginning to realize that school was this situation unique to itself in all the rest of life's experiences. I was allowed to assess things with that criteria in mind because I had both the time to do such things, as well as a setting which was conducive to engaging that to it's fullest potential. To not know a girl with such depth or to not have spent a million hours of face time together was probably a pretty valid red-flag to waive at potential relationship because in such a situation as college, there's absolutely no reason you don't take full advantage of that and get to that place. The changed situation is this... No longer am i able to pick up the phone and convince her to meet me at the union where we can talk all night and, at worst, maybe oversleep a class or not spend enough time on a paper that will get maybe a little lower letter grade that wont really affect the class grade too drastically, let alone your GPA or whatever. Who cares? Now to pick up the phone to do that means getting in the car, driving an hour, sitting and talking all night, driving back and jumping in the shower for work cause the day begins at 545 and if you dont have enough physical energy to stay on your feet and stay focused, bosses are going to get pretty pissed cause you're gonna do something wrong. Not to say that I probably wont do this from time to time (cause it's me and those are the sorts of things i do cause they are both necessary and worthwhile), but I'm not able to do this with a 10th the frequency as I would be able to at school. All that to say, i am working on being ok with not having had a million hours of contact before i seriously contemplate dating this girl. Cause I think I really do want to date her. No, I'm convinced that I want to date her. And as I try to think and feel and process that through I realize that it's not the same rational, linear reason that I've come to that point in the past. Because of the distance. Becaue of the inability to insatiate her with coffee until she tells me everything there is to know. Becuase of the other things I would use to process, I think i've found myself, maybe for the first time, allowing my emotions to play out more wholely. Emotionally, I have decided that I know her enough to be a part of her life. Emotionally, I feel like there's enough connection to constitute relationship. Emotionally, this all seems to line up wonderfully for me, it's just that the emotional is so not my forte that it's caused a bit of internal tension. This realization takes me far, because i'm ready to say 'screw-it' and throw inhibitions and aprehensions out the window and just go with the emotions on this one. Dating could be this wonderful, beautiful process of her becoming more and more comfortable with me, and me becoming more and more personally aware of who she is. I like that idea and I'm going to fight hard in my head to not let all of my mental criteria for certain levels of knowledge and time be satisfied before I open myself up to where I feel I already am on an emotional level. I may not know her as well as I know others yet, but I know her enough to know that she is worth following my emotional self for once.

Too much to update

So, i've waited too long to do justice to each date and get-together justice as I have in the previous ones... So, here's the overview.
The date at our apartment went spectacular. She and her roommate we me and my roommate's dates for the day. We went to Noblesville and cut down a christmas tree (she held onto my arm there). We brought it back and set it up. Then we made citrus pasta (it went over well. I didn't eat too much, but enough not to get noticed). Then we turned on the christmas music and decorated the apartment. (decorating a christmas tree with a date... really good). We watched 'Love Actually' (she liked it. That was good. We sat by each other, but there was quite a bit of space between us). All in all, the date was spectacular. She seemed so much more comfortable with me and the time was really enjoyable. Phil was an excellent friend cause he made sure that the whole day went well for me. Good friend, good friend.

There have been several other things that have gone on. That next monday was Penthouse Christmas openhouse, which we went to see, and I went over to see her, then she came over to let me walk her through the openhouse. Then afterwards I walked her back to her dorm in the snow. Again, just something that made me feel like she was getting more comfortable with me. Then that thursday night I was driving home (cause friday i had off and my parents and i were going to chicago). Well, it was actually sort of like a blizzard outside, but i decided to drive to taylor to see her and then drive the rest of the way home the next morning. It was a pretty dumb decision to get on the roads, but when i got together with her it was totally worth it. Then sunday on my way back to indy from chicago i stopped by again for coffee. This weekend we had a wedding to go to (Disko and Joy). It was in a northern suburb of chicago. Actually, it was only an hour away from where she lives. I drove up saturday morning to take her out to breakfast. She introduced me to her parents. That went really well cause at least now they can put a face with a name and i feel like that gives them only a little less reason that their daughter is dating some strange crazy person. Finally, I will be going up there to visit her for New Years. I'm looking pretty foreward to that, but at the same time i'm a little anxious about it. Phil and Noah were talking to me this weekend and got me thinking pretty deeply about some stuff and I'm not sure how Im' gonna take that on. Oh, and I forgot to say that I got her a Christmas present! Yeah! a big 3 picture frame from pottery barn and i put 3 pictures from the weekend she was down helping decorate for christmas. I hope she gets it before christmas.

So, yeah, there's been alot. Things have been progressing pretty steadily. I love talking to her and I love thinking about her. I got to the point today where it was hard to not pick up the phone and call her just to talk about nothing. I'll expound on all these thoughts and feelings later (im heading home tomorrow night for a 5 day weekend).

sick to my stomach

So, the last 2 days have pretty much sucked. We were cleaning the apartment from top to bottom on thursday night when it hit... ...hard. I got that sick-to-my-stomach feel again. The same one that hit me about half an hour till date time last time. So, Phil will tell you that i've been a real fun person to be around for the back half of the week. I've been nervous and not feeling very well. I dont know how to explain this at all and it's sort of disconcerting. To make matters worse, at work, i was out in the warehouse shrinkwrapping books all day. This is phenomenally monotonous and as the hours passed by I sank deep into thought and found myself almost trapped in my own head. My thoughts consumed me. Just couldn't get myself to stop running through my head these little movie reels of the upcoming date and how it was going to go so bad and how I was going to be such an idiot and a schmuck. It wasn't the same movie reel over and over, but different potential scenarios where I say stupid things or do stupid things or don't do anything at all. It's really ridiculous and horrible, and I can tell myself that, but at the moments when i was at work stuck in my head there was just no way out and the days passed very excruciatingly. I haven't really eaten anything of any consequence. I at half a sandwich yesterday for lunch. And some chicken late last night. That's about it since thursday afternoon. We're making a big dinner tonite for them. Citrus pasta. I hope that im feeling well enough to eat enough to not have her notice again like last time.... that was so awkward. Ahhh... this is so stupid and i dont know why i can't just make myself stop this ridiculousness.

Anyway, in 2 hours she'll be down here. I called her this morning and i think i woke her up but she seemed kinda happy to talk to me. She's bringing Christmas music to listen to for the day. We're going to go cut down a tree, bring it back here, decorate the apartment, make dinner, and watch a movie. Here's hoping that the movie reels in my head where as ridiculous as everyone keeps telling me.