Tires

So, i don't recall explaining my flat tire ordeal. In december I was driving to warsaw to meet my parents (it was the weekend of the huge snow storm and i decided to risk life and limb to get up to taylor to see the girl and almost died like ten times). So anyway, friday morning get home. park the car, go with the parents to chicago. get home sunday afternoon. go to get in my car and head back to indy... tire's flat. Take the tire off, and there's a nail i ran over. It's sunday so i can't get it taken care of that day. Dad let's me trade him cars for the week. He takes care of my car monday. The company says they can repair it, but that they don't think there's much tread on the tires. Dad says he thought he replaced them before he sold me the car. Turns out he didnt and I've been driving around on tires that have 80,000+ miles on them when they're only 60,000 mile tires or something like that... Made me count my blessings for having driven the month before to Shorb's in PA and to Chicago. So, it was time to get brand new tires. $450 dollars I had definately not budgeted on spending 3 weeks before Christmas (parents decided it would be a good christmas present to help me out with the expense... bonus!). So, it got taken care of that week. Brand-spankin-new tires. Last friday, driving into the apartment I drove into a Montana-sized pot hole. Oh yes, it bent the rim and put a small buldge in the sidewall of my new tires. So, I've been extremely happy all week thinking about how much more money im gonna have to spend to get a new tire that i've driven on for aproximately 3 or 4 weeks. Dad, last night told me to call the tire company and see whether they didn't have a waranty on them. So this morning I called and checked, and sure enough, they do. I'm getting the whole thing taken care of... new tire and all. for next to nothing! WHEEW! On top of that, i dont even have to go to warsaw to get it taken care of. Turns out that the tire store in Upland is part of the same group that the place in warsaw is, so i can get it worked on tomorrow while im up at taylor with Phil and Noah. Wow, this was one of the last things I would have thought would end up convenient and relatively inexpensive.

Noah's gonna meet us at Taylor this weekend. Good timing. I miss that kid. It'll be good to hit up Mi Pueblo tonite with all the guys. I talked to the girl again last night. talked for an hour in spite of being pretty tired. I LOVE that. I'll get to see her for 3 consecutive days. Looking foreward to that more than just a little bit. Tracy called me earlier. She's in india still. Gets back at the end of next week. Can't wait to hear stories. Gonna talk to Skip this weekend about Taylor Residence Life and Student Affairs Administration. I hope that all goes well. Sounds like a busy weekend, and it's gonna be. I am looking foreward to it all.

Ice Skating

We went ice skating on saturday. I didn't break my legs (a real possibility though). I'm not gonna lie, I had to pretty much hold onto her shoulders for dear life for most of the time, so im not sure if we can really say that I skated very well. But, i'll take it. I spent the most splendid day of conversation with her. It was so relaxed and casual and at the same time opinionated and not small-talk. I respect that so much, and crave it all the more.

Work's been kinda slow this week and it's made for some long, drawn out days. The weather has been pretty bi-polar. We move from high 50's and sunny to snow, ice and 20's and then back to 50's again all in the span of a few days. I'm not complaining. It's just a little wierd. Yesterday I put on a show to whoever cared to look out the apartment windows and watch my try to get into my car, who's doors had frozen shut, while i tried to carry an arm load of stuff. It didn't work and i spent 5 minutes trying to get in. In the process i dumped both my peanut butter and jelly sandwich and my newspaper in the snow.

'Caesar is God'

I got livid at church yesterday. Now, first things first; this wasn't the teaching pastor. This was another guy filling in. However, that doesn't help me much. We're talking through the back end of the first chapter of Philippians and what he's pointing us to is this section where Paul admonishes the people to remember their citizenship in Christ. In this guy's attempt to get us to understand what Paul's saying he begins into this little schpeel about America and patriotism. Talks about how good it is to be a citizen of this country and all the freedom we have and all the opportunity that we exercise. This is supposed to be something along the same lines as what Paul is reminding the Philippians about with Christ, just all the more so. And then he went back to talk about how the people of the church understood this sort of citizenship because it was sort of the opposite response to what their citizenship to Rome was. Being a citizen of Rome was good because you had the right to due process of law and couldn't be sentenced to death most of the time... ...However, the big beef with that was that if you were a Roman citizen you had to believe that Caesar was God. This was a major drawback, our speaker pointed out. And then he moved on. Now there were several periphery issues that came up which kinda got me heated (including a rather pin-headed, ethnocentric remark that, had I been French, would have been compelled to stand up and walk out right then.... I was pretty offended, none the less), but the major beef can be found in this bare bones restatement of the first half of his message. Call me a heretic, but is it not possible that the way we live and interact within and toward our American culture is pretty much the equivalent of proclaiming it God in our lives? And if this is the case, then proclaiming oneself such an unabashedly patriotic proponent of all things American, then isn't that somewhere along the same lines as proclaiming Caesar as God if you were a Roman? Think about it... Do we loooove money? Do we work really hard to get as much money as possible? Is money not the most primary factor in much of our decision-making? Do we not allow consumerism become more than an activity but a mindset and a way of life? It transforms who we are, what we think, how we feel, and what we do. Are we sure that capitalism is not our God? Again, call me a heretic... But I would be inclined to say that, short of verbalizing this fact, We interact with and allow capitalism to affect us in much the same way as we're called to interact with and allow God to affect us. So, if this is the case, isn't Capitalism more our God than Jesus Christ (aside from all the lipservice we pay to Him, of course). Now, again, this is not me jumping on the capitalism bashing soapbox (i can get on that one much more pointedly some other time). This is about being appalled at the notion that someone who is standing at the pulpit of a church in front of a congregation associating our patriotic response to all things American as a positive similar correlation to the way we should remember our citizenship in Christ. NO! What in the world kind of word picture is that? You're going to get me to understand that I should remember to align myself with Christ in the same way that I align myself with my culture even though my culture really is my God, and not Christ? Isn't there just some inherent fallacies in the idea that my love of one 'God' in my life is alright, just as long as I love the other 'God' more? What makes me even more livid is the fact that this was said at the pulpit. Anything is fair game in discussion and debate. Ask any question you want, get as crazy and out of the box as you want. Just don't do it while standing behind the pulpit in a church. That position has too many responsibilities for someone to not take into consideration all of the implications of the things they say. I don't care if it's just supposed to be a word picture. The word picture, when thought through fully ends up associating two things positively that shouldn't be associated positively and that's a big deal especially when one of those things is our relationship and citizenship with Jesus Christ! If I walked up to the pulpit and preached a message using an illustration that following Jesus is the same as following Allah or Buddha, only that I need to follow Jesus all the more... I would get laughed off the stage and then I'd be lucky not to be tarred and feathered right outside of the church building in the parking lot for the heresy that I allowed into the congregation. I know there are differences between what was really preached and what I just used as an example, but tell me that the principle is really missing the point. I'm not trying to say that I don't like America or that I shouldn't feel blessed to live in a country with all the privileges and freedoms that I experience every day. I'm not trying to say that everything we are is horrible and despicable or deplorable. Really what I was the most disappointed in was that, not only did this guy not get that American culture is a more real God in our lives that Jesus is, but from the pulpit, he used this deification of our culture as a positive example as to how we should also follow Jesus, only, just a little more. And it was said, and the rest of the message went on and everyone listened intently, and I doubt that too many people caught on that such an association could have just been made in their heads and hearts.

Blue and White

So, today at work I spent a few hours just stickering books with some of my employees. The young lady working across the table from me started talking to me about movies and stuff and somwhere in the middle of the conversation she got a confused look on her face and looked at me for a long moment then wanted to know how old i was. When I said 23 she got a good laugh out of that. She didn't realize that I was only a year older than her. She was expecting me to say somewhere between 28 and 30. Wow... i dont' even know what to say. I told her she probably thought that because of the beard. She didn't agree. She said it was my manorisms. She pictured me going home and reading books and the newspaper at night and on the weekends. She had trouble thinking that i was the same age as all the people she goes and parties with all the time. It was kind of funny, but obviously, i got sort of introspective about it. We have two totally different lives. She is a 22 year old african american single mother of 2 who lives in a run down appartment complex where her mom lives 2 doors down and her two best friends (who are also single mothers) live a few doors down the other direction. She didn't finish highschool. She doesn't have a steady job. Her kids are nothing but a complaint and the weekends are her chance to get away and go pretend that she can act her age. She thinks I should take care of her kids for a week sometime because then i would be motivated to do more crazy stuff; like somehow I'm short-changing my good fortune to have not procreated yet. it was a disheartening conversation.

Phil's boss pulled him into his office last week and in so many words told him he needed to wear different clothes to work. 'Step in up just a notch' i do believe was the direct quote. Phil was mystified by it all and so was i. I see phil every morning before he goes to work and it's always a shirt and tie with either dress slacks or khaki pants along with dress shoes. Some days he even wears a suit. So, for the life of me, I couldn't figure out what the dude was referring to. Phil didn't either and he even went back into the guy's office to ask him to be more specific, but the guy was worried about hurting his feelings and wouldn't give him any better idea. He told phil that he'd set up an account for him at a local clothing store (a pretty high-rollin one if i do say so myself) and gone and picked out a few things that he wanted phil to get sized for. He said Phil would figure it out when he got there. He explained that he was a blue and white guy. That he doesn't really get very adventurous with the kind of clothes he wears, but just stickes with blue and white. that's what works. Ok... whatever... So, phil goes to this place yesterday. sure enough the boss had picked out a pair of grey dress slacks, a pair of black dress slacks, a blue shirt, a white shirt, and 2 yellow ties. they were all pretty basic and plain and all basically things that phil has in his wardrobe currently and has worn to work periodically. However, the guy just bought him a few more and phil is still left searching for what exactly in his closet doesn't belong at work... HILLARIOUS! Blue and White. He thinks Phil is going to turn out to be a little 'him'. I love it.

No baseball coaching

So I could have been an assistant baseball coach for one of the middle schools in the area. If only they didn't practice till after I got done with work.... That was another potential life goal checked off the list right there. Guess it's gonna have to wait.

Tracy's in india (that's almost the name of a Dido song). J-term lighthouse trip. I get the email updates and stuff and I can't help but get pretty excited for her. I think about how things went for me when I was in Czech over that month a couple years ago. She's already been gone a week, but im sure she feels like the trip's lasted forever and a day. Time lasts forever it seems in situations like that. Good for her. I pray God's opened her up to something totally 'other-worldly'.

Shorb sent me his finished Hymns album this week. It was beautiful. He's been working on it for the past 2 years or so and I remember asking to listen to some of the stuff at various times in the past 2 years and he never let me. I'm glad he didn't cause it was so beautiful to listen to. I got a tear in my eye, which is really lame, but between the culmination of such a personal project and the worshipful feel of the whole thing, I just found myself sincerely moved.

Phil and I spent our first weekend together doing nothing and going nowhere since the beginning of November. WOW! what a welcomed event. It was so good to kick back and relax around the apartment and do absolutely nothing of consequence. I've vowed to not travel anywhere other than Upland or Warsaw until late March. So, if you wanna hang out with us, you've gotta come see us. And you should.

My dad loves Blue Like Jazz. I've talked to him already on a handful of things. That book is great, and what makes it more great is that I can talk to a guy or a girl, a peer or a parent and there's always beneficial and worthwhile conversation and insight to come from such exchanges. Props to you Donald Miller.

I signed up for a gym membership last weekend finally. It's felt wonderful to lift again. This is not to say that i'm some buff tool that you would think belongs in a gym getting 'big'. But I dont care, cause it just feels good to work out and break a sweat and feel even remotely healthy again. The feeling good part was a lie sunday morning after the first day though, on account of me having to litterally roll off of my bed and onto the floor and try to pick myself up by the recliner. So sore. The moral of the story is this.... don't make fun of the fat kid for going to the gym even though he doesn't belong with everyone else there. Be glad he's not going to die of a heart attack in 5 years.

So, i dont know if i've written on this thing about this girl that i've been hanging out with for the past 2 months and have just recently decided i could call her my girlfriend.... yeah, im crazy about her. Yes, as im sure is the duty of all people who are 2 weeks into a new relationship, I am saying it now... I like her alot and I'm totally enthralled and amazed and intoxicated by her. I get to call her every night and I can run up to taylor any weekend i want to and see her. I can take her out on dates and go overboard on her. I can say cheesy things to her and everything. If the giddy honeymoon stage of all relationships lasted longer than the first few weeks and month, there would be far fewer breakups in the world. So, yes, I know this euphoria is not something to expect for too terribly long, but man... I'll take it for as much as I can get it for right now. And to top it off, I'm not really a 'euphoria' kind of dater... I'll look foreward to the quiet, serious, contemplative times more than this. Crazy. She's definatley got me. Amazing.

It's been around the 40 degree mark and higher for the better part of last week and this week. It's the middle of january folks... I'm counting my blessings, because even though it's not gonna last and winter will overwhelm us eventually, no doubt.... every day int he 40's is another day that's not in the negative 10's. Just get me to the spring time baby.

We are aproximately 6 weeks from pitchers and catchers reporting to spring training... which means baseball is on the horizon, and just as importantly, fantasy baseball is really on the horizon. I'm in the process of putting together my best attempt at a solid, competative, 10 man 5x5 league. If you think you're the person for one of those slots, let me know and start doing your homework. I know I plan to start in 2 weeks and I'm going more hardcore than ever since i dont have class to distract me. BOOYEAH! PS: I noticed that cubs tickets go on sale feb. 24th... gonna be hard to talk myself out of buying a bunch right off the bat.

really really full

Last night Phil and I went to B-Dub's. We ate so much that we both went back to the apartment and layed on the couch the rest of the evening complaining about how full we were. I think i'm still full from that meal this morning. Jeesh... Today's a boring day at work. I may be able to post some more. I've actually meant to post a few times in the last week (NOAH!) but the internet is conveniently never working when I'm in the mood to post. Hopefully that will change soon.

New Years

Im sitting in the basement of my parents home in Warsaw typing. It took me driving 4 hours to northern illinois, a big italian meal, a great evening with angela, ringing in the new year (no kisses for me, dont forget im a huge chicken), playing games, watching movies, chickening out on having the talk that night, waking up the next day, going to church, eating lunch and finally giving myself a stern talking to about how there was absolutely no way i could live with myself if I left Zion without finally having the talk before i worked up the courage to ask her to take a walk with me before i left for me to officially start a new relationship. More amazing than that... she seemed like she'd been waiting for me to bring it up. So, that's the big new years news for me. There obviously a ton swimming around in my head right now and im sure clarifying and enunciating all of that will come in the following days and weeks, but for right now the euphoria is just too intense for me to really do justice to my thoughts and to my excitement level right now. She's my girlfriend. wow, there it is. what else needs to be said? (actually, much much more, but not tonite)
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ME!

Anonymous Posts

PS: never leave an anonymous post on here. It confuses and frustrates me, especially like the one left on my last post. It was very insightful and solid, but I have no idea who it is who posted it. Come on! So, if you were the anonymous poster... ...let me know it was you.

Christmas time

My Christmas vacation was a good one. I can't begin to say how good it was to again have my sister back and without ten thousand things going on so that she could actually talk to me again. I got back home on wednesday night and i think that she and i stayed up till1am catching up on the past 2 months worth of both of our lives. It was a long time coming and very much needed. It was tough to leave at the end knowing that she's going to be just as busy this coming semester and it's likely that we will probably go through the same sort of very sparse contact for such a long period of time. Hopefully the Christmas time was enough to carry through though. She's going to India on a lighthouse trip over J-Term and I'm pretty excited about it. Lighthouse was such an experience all of it's own for me and I hope that she will have the same sorts of experiences as well. She's talked about staying with me in Indy for J-Term break, so that would be a good time to get to hear all the stories and see all the pictures.

The four of us decided to do Christmas on Christmas Eve, which was a nice little change. I was pretty excited to give the gifts i'd gotten for mom and dad. I felt pretty good about this being the first year in quite a few that I didn't do all my shopping the day before and have to scramble and guess and what would be nice to give them and stuff. It always came out a bit on the impersonal side of things. This year, however, I've known what I was going to get them as soon as december rolled around. I was most excited about giving mom a little personalized coaster set that you can put pictures in, so I took pictures of all four of us and cut them to size and fit them in. She really liked them, and I was happy about the most creative gift I've made in a while. Though I looked for 3 weeks for a gift or two to get Tracy, i came up empty and was relegated to the cheesy movies and hand lotion stuff 2 days before. And because of that shopping 2 days before christmas I reaffirmed my loathing of all things Wal-Mart. Controlled chaos. Nothing else. I could have punched someone in that place i think.

Angela got her gift that I sent her. I thought it was a pretty good gift considering where everything is with that. I got a nice three picture frame and put some pictures from the weekend she was down decorating at the apartment in there. I was a little dissapointed that she didn't call, but wrote an email instead, but she's been working lots of hours over the holiday, so I've had to remind myself that not hearing from her or being able to get ahold of her very easily is not because she's trying to avoid me. I'm going up there for new years. I'm stoked. I decided the other day that we're having a big talk sometime during the night. (any guesses on how many times i'll put my foot in my mouth for that one?)

My dad and I got into a bit of an arguement sunday night that really lit me up. I mean I was pissed! And I remember sitting in my room and thinking, wow, if I decided I was offended enough about it, i could pack all my junk up right now and leave for indy. It would have cut short the family time by a day. I didn't cause I dont think that it was at all necessary and everything blew over like no big deal. However, I couldn't stop thinking about that for the next 2 days. Never before have I had that as a legitimate possibility. It scared the crap out of me and I began to realize how easy it is for families to turn into such wrecks. I was pretty depressed about that realization for a good solid 48 hours. It's much easier for families to be functional when everyone lives under the same roof. As soon as people live in different houses and different states it can get dicy. It gives people a way out... an oportunity to run away instead of deal with the problem or situation. It would not be hard to cause a whole slew of jumped conclusions and assumptions about what everyone is thinking and what everyone is feeling also. Then time passes, and then telephone calls attempt to mend bridges and that's so impersonal and allows everyone to downplay things that maybe shouldn't be downplayed and maybe should be dealt with thoroughly. From here on out it will be a much more intentional thing on all our parts to keep our family as functional as it has been all my life thus far. This isn't because of any one person, but more about a change in individual people's circumstance. I hope I don't forget about that. Everyone's going to hurt and get hurt; offend and be offended. It's just the reality of life and relationship. The real question is whether we all can remind ourselves in timely ways what the implications of our words and actions could be and whether those are really justified given whatever situation has just occured. I love my family with all that I am and I hope that I dont ever cause the cohesiveness with which we function to be shaken.

The boss is gone on vacation this week. My roommate is gone on vacation this week. Work is so slow that we dont have to bring people in today or tomorrow. I'm more than a little bored. I'm more than a little lonely. The truck driver that just picked stuff up from the warehouse a few hours ago was the only person I may speak to face to face for about a 36 hour period. WHOA. I hope people call me on the phone or something, cause otherwise I might go insane. Good news though... Phil's coming back tomorrow night and bringing Ben & April. Good news #2... Saturday I get to go see Angela again.... BOOYEAH!

tug-o-war

So, there have been a few times in the last 2 months when i've found myself sort of frustrated. No real object of the frustration. I guess maybe frustration at the realities of the situation i find myself in with this girl. I mean, if I was at Taylor and we had been doing this crazy dance toward starting a relationship, things would be a little different. The biggest difference would be the level of intimate, personal knowledge of one another. There would have been about a million coffee dates and all the random run-in's as well as im sure 10 big depressing emails from me (I've managed to keep it down to one this time). I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is a small tug-o-war in me. On the one hand, I know that emotionally, I am very attached to this person. Everything about getting to talk to her or be with her makes my days that much better. In my heart, I think I am ready to start talking 'relationship'. On the other hand, mentally, I remind myself that, even after doing things for 2 months I know about as much intimate, personal detail about her as I have gotten in 2 or 3 conversations with other people. And I ask myself what the heck im thinking about relationships if I dont even know her that personally compared to other girls i've known only to have those fail later on down the road. That's the tension. I've gone back and foreth on this on for about a week. Here are a couple of realizations. I cannot think about how me doing this now compares to me doing this at taylor would match up, cause the situations are simply too different. The number of encounters doesn't work becuase i could have gotten together a million times with her and still been balking at my friends who would try to call it a date. These are real dates. These are intetional things with very intentional reasons. Her agreeing to go on a date with me now is telling me about a Shakesperian sonnet's worth of information compared to what getting together for coffee at Taylor would have told me. anyone can sit down for coffee with anyone at taylor and it still be safe to make whatever you will out of it. Not so for agreeing to go to indy with someone who doesn't even go to school anymore. I need to give that more pull in this little tension of mine than i allow it. Here's another thing... When I was at school everything about 'relationships' hinged around time and knowledge. Do I know her with little to no depth yet to be charted? Have we spent enough time to constitute knowing each other well enough to make such a committment as 'dating'. Here's where i'm beginning to realize that school was this situation unique to itself in all the rest of life's experiences. I was allowed to assess things with that criteria in mind because I had both the time to do such things, as well as a setting which was conducive to engaging that to it's fullest potential. To not know a girl with such depth or to not have spent a million hours of face time together was probably a pretty valid red-flag to waive at potential relationship because in such a situation as college, there's absolutely no reason you don't take full advantage of that and get to that place. The changed situation is this... No longer am i able to pick up the phone and convince her to meet me at the union where we can talk all night and, at worst, maybe oversleep a class or not spend enough time on a paper that will get maybe a little lower letter grade that wont really affect the class grade too drastically, let alone your GPA or whatever. Who cares? Now to pick up the phone to do that means getting in the car, driving an hour, sitting and talking all night, driving back and jumping in the shower for work cause the day begins at 545 and if you dont have enough physical energy to stay on your feet and stay focused, bosses are going to get pretty pissed cause you're gonna do something wrong. Not to say that I probably wont do this from time to time (cause it's me and those are the sorts of things i do cause they are both necessary and worthwhile), but I'm not able to do this with a 10th the frequency as I would be able to at school. All that to say, i am working on being ok with not having had a million hours of contact before i seriously contemplate dating this girl. Cause I think I really do want to date her. No, I'm convinced that I want to date her. And as I try to think and feel and process that through I realize that it's not the same rational, linear reason that I've come to that point in the past. Because of the distance. Becaue of the inability to insatiate her with coffee until she tells me everything there is to know. Becuase of the other things I would use to process, I think i've found myself, maybe for the first time, allowing my emotions to play out more wholely. Emotionally, I have decided that I know her enough to be a part of her life. Emotionally, I feel like there's enough connection to constitute relationship. Emotionally, this all seems to line up wonderfully for me, it's just that the emotional is so not my forte that it's caused a bit of internal tension. This realization takes me far, because i'm ready to say 'screw-it' and throw inhibitions and aprehensions out the window and just go with the emotions on this one. Dating could be this wonderful, beautiful process of her becoming more and more comfortable with me, and me becoming more and more personally aware of who she is. I like that idea and I'm going to fight hard in my head to not let all of my mental criteria for certain levels of knowledge and time be satisfied before I open myself up to where I feel I already am on an emotional level. I may not know her as well as I know others yet, but I know her enough to know that she is worth following my emotional self for once.