Lighthouse

Last winter and spring I spent quite a bit of time thinking and praying and fretting about sponsoring a Lighthouse trip for this school year. I was in the throws of an extremely demanding semester and frankly, was not sure I had it in me to take on another committment. As a student, I went on a Lighthouse trip that was very formative for me. I had great leaders and a team dynamic that was very positive. It was very important for me that I would be able to commit myself to a team's preparation and development sufficiently. I think what eventually pushed me over the edge enough to make a decision was that my friend Amy Barnett found out from her supervisor that he'd let her lead a trip this year (Amy's wanted to lead a lighthouse trip for some time now, but her job's calendar isn't very conducive to taking the month of January off). Sometime in late April we found out we were going to be leading the trip to the Czech Republic. BOOYEAH!

My Lighthouse experience as a student was also to the Czech Republic, which only increased my already high level of excitement. We'll be working with the same host missionary (Joanie), that I worked with as a student. I'm very excited. Over the summer Amy and I got to select our team of 16 students. 5 guys and 11 girls. I was suprised at how few of the applicants I knew. Again, this was a process covered in prayer over a week or so. Amy and I spent several summer nights sitting in her back yard by a fire talking about plans and desires for our team, the most significant of which, was the idea that we wanted to foster the idea that God is not waiting to work in my life this January while I'm in Czech. In fact, He's at work right here; right now. It's our goal throughout the semester to pose the question 'How do you observe God at work in your life right now?' often. We've also challenged them to consider packing their bags for the month in such a way that they would be able to donate everything they bring to the missions organization except for the clothes on their back and a souvineer or two.

Since school has started, we've had team meetings every Monday night for a few hours. We also went on a 24 hr. retreat to my parents' place on the lake on weekend. Honestly, my excitement for them has grown with each interaction! Each of these students is fabulous. At the end of each meeting, after everyone leaves, Amy and both look at each other with huge smiles. They are 16 unique and engaging personalities. We're meeting one-on-one with each student throughout the semester, which has also been such a blessing. These students, individually, and this team, as a group, are special. I can already tell. They may not know how well they're going to fit together yet, but Amy and I already see it.

Amy and I went to Payne's tonight and got some coffee and talked for a while. The conversation eventually got to lighthouse and I think we must have spent a good hour to hour and a half laughing and talking about our team. We made a several predictions and lists in the same vain as yearbook 'most likely to' stuff. For instance, 'person most likely to punch a crying girl on the trip ____'. We also decided to both journal about our personal goals for each student on the team. This will be good to direct my individual time with these students.

In Lighthouse, I see maybe the most tangeable mainfestation of God's sovreignty in my life. Last spring, when I agreed to lead a trip, I was unsure about whether I had the time for this or the discipline to juggle all of my priorities correctly. I also would not have guessed how things have changed with Angela and I. I think that this group of students stands to be the direct beneficiary of that change. As I will now have more of myself to offer them personally and emotionally. I think that they will likely fill at least part of a very empty spot in my heart over the next few months. I hope that this is beneficial for all involved.

Lighthouse was a big deal for me as a student. I learned alot about the poor and marginalized, the world outside of America, the global church, culture, diversity, faith, the great commission, and loving people. None of these concepts were new to me at the time, and in fact, I would have said that I had a fairly deep understanding of several of these things before I left. But the experience shifted things for me. New perspective is so powerful and so often worthwhile. One of my most repeated prayers for these 16 students is that this experience offers that to them as well. These are things that occur outside of the details of a well delivered program. They are things that happen outside of reading a book and writing a paper about it. They are sensed and formed through the nuances and intricacies of personal experience. I hope that even in spite of Amy and I, that they are able to experience this shift. I pray that God is bringing together the perfect storm, of sorts, in their lives right now so that their experience in Czech is valuable and significant, and purposeful, and new.

I barely know most of these students at all, but I have already found them endeered to me in so many ways. God be with us in our efforts to give you glory by the way we show love to one another over the rest of this semester and while we travel to Czech.

how about orange?

I think the theme of today was coming to terms with the idea that I need other people to help me. I may not like it. It may not be comfortable. I may not find it very easy. I still need to let other people help me if I hope to move through the coming weeks and months in a healthy way. And maybe that involves more overt coordination than I think is appropriate or maybe that means being ok with the fact that some people are going to let me sit and talk with them more now because they understand I need it more now than before. Humility. Perhaps I need to be ok with being a 'project' for some right now. Maybe that's not an innately wrong concept. I certainly identify students at times who I think I need to spend more time with or effort toward because of situations occuring in their lives. Why should I take offense to others approaching me in this same way?

Admittedly, It's very difficult for me to submit myself to other people in this way. Maybe it's pride or fear or insecurity or masculinity or something else. No matter what it is, I think I just need to come to terms with the fact that I'm hurting alot more than I understand right now, and I'm not big enough to handle it on my own. Even if I was, that whole mindset is incongruent with a Christian approach to relationships. If I can be there for someone else I can let someone else be there for me.

Thank the Lord for good, honest, considerate, genuine, patient, gentile friends.

To Write Love On Her Arms

Tonight I attended a presentation by Jamie Tworkowski, founder of To Write Love On Her Arms. Powerful thoughts by a follower of Jesus showing God's redemptive love in ways that purposefully resist cheap labels. I pray we continue to love one another authentically, not because we're 'trying to be real', but because we genuinely see the image of God in each others lives. May God be glorified by these jars of clay. May we communicate that to one another by the ways we treat each other.

Coffee with Alex and Eric was wonderful. I felt genuinely light-hearted. I hope that I know where the two of them end up next year, and the years after. With thesis stuff at a point where it will spend the next several weeks being approved by various people around campus, that work will die down. I'm hoping to fill my schedule with one-on-ones with so many student's who I've not given attention to for the past two months.

Amy sent an email out to our lighthouse team today and accidentally copied me on it. It was about trying to frame my circumstances in a way that made sure they understood it was a big deal and that it would be nice if they went out of their way to tell me they cared about me. Though I know this was done out of sincere motives, it is very difficult to not be very frustrated by this. It's exactly one of the biggest reasons I have been so hesitant to tell people. I don't need to be a project. And I don't need special consideration, especially from my students. I mean, the last thing I want is for one of these student's I've known for a month and a half over a few hour long meetings to feel the weight of trying to step into this space of my life feeling even remotely responsible for my spiritual or emotional well-being. That's not for them. It would be one thing for one or two of them to want to extend some extra encouragement my way of their own accord, but that this sort of thing would be prompted by some more coordinated effort is difficult for me to appreciate.

And as I read this email maybe it's more evidence of an unhealthy expectation of myself. Maybe I need the community no matter the method or medium. Maybe I need anyone and everyone to take a little responsibility for my well-being considering the changes. What do I know?

hugs & vomit

I stayed up late last night doing school work. I was pretty tired when I went to bed. But I ended up staying up rediculously late wondering what she's been up to these past three weeks since we last talked. I wonder how school's been for her. Has her 5th period class still been giving her trouble? Has she thought up something fun and creative for her core plus class? Is she still teaching on Romiette and Julio? I wonder if she's been staying at school late still, or if she's going home and spending more time with her apartment girls. Does she feel a little bit colder these days? I certainly do, especially on the weekends when I'm sitting on my couch alone. Does she notice the missing hugs as much as I do? I thought about that today... strange. I am craving hugs right now.

She was here during homecoming this weekend. I think that contributed to me not coming out of the apartment this weekend. That would have been really difficult. I mean, I think I'm fighting hard to hold it together right now. If I'd happened to cross paths with her accidently I may well have broken into a lot of little pieces on the spot.

I told my PA's and my Lighthouse team about the breakup tonight. It made me want to vomit again. As I was riding in the car with Amy I figured out why. Every time I tell someone else it forces me to realize that this is more real than before. As if by not telling anyone I would somehow be suspending it somewhere between reality and imagination. That's pathetic, but it also makes sense. I think my initial coping mechanism is to feel numb to everything, allowing me to feel some sense of emotional stability. However, it's causing me to be unable to be joyful or lighthearted when people around me are. Because if I let myself feel happy, then I'll also have to let myself feel devistatingly sad. Thus, by telling someone out loud about it, it overwhelms my emotional self with reality so abruptly that my body responds with a nautious feeling. I've been trying to understand this for the past 3 weeks. Maybe understanding will bring relief.

Modeled masculinity and it's effects on male college student engagement

I'm taking a break from school work. Ben, Caleb and I have been working at Payne's since 6:15 this evening. Mostly working on back checking citations I've used for my thesis proposal. Let me tell you how enjoyable that is. More enjoyable than taking my first drink of soy milk from Ben's Latte something or other that he ordered. Let's just say it tastes about as good as it smells when you steam that stuff. Not good.

My thesis topic is on modeled masculinity and it's effects on male student engagement in college. I have been researching this topic for almost two years now. During my first year back at Taylor the hall director I worked with wanted to make a presentation at a national conference that our staff would be attending in the summer and challenged me to get on board because it would help me get my feet wet heading into masters study the following year. I agreed and as we considered all of the different aspects of student life that we'd delt with during the semester, the topic of male student disengagement peeked our interest and away we went.

Student engagement (almost synonymous with the term involvement) is defined as the amount of physical or psychological energy that a student puts forth into any academically positive experience. Academically positive experiences occur both inside and outside of the classroom. They include things like asking questions in class, incorporating information from an outside class into the current class, co-curricular activities like student leadership positions or student activities cabinets, service learning projects, intramurals, attending various seminars and lecture series on campus, etc. Engagement also includes less formal things like building relationships with students of a different ethnicity, socio-economic, or geo-political background than you.

That spring I conducted a small scale qualitative study of 8 students in my residence hall; 4 students I considered ‘engaged’ and 4 that I considered ‘disengaged’. The study yielded two notable findings. First, the biggest contrast was that the ‘engaged’ students had older male mentors or role models in their lives and the ‘disengaged’ students did not. Second, The ‘disengaged’ students were less able to identify unrealistic characteristics of a male TV or movie character they perceived as the traditional man.

As I’ve spent the last year or so in more formal research of the topic, I’ve decided to look specifically at how masculinity is connected to student engagement. My research on masculinity has been very intriguing. First, masculinity is predominantly a social construction (i.e. boys learn what ‘being a man’ is from observing other men in their lives as they develop). Traditional masculinity , as defined my many sociologist and psychologist, constitutes four primary focuses: competition, status, toughness, and emotional stoicism. Men who embodied these focuses were integrated into society pretty functionally 40 years ago because there was a high level of congruence with the socio-cultural expectations of men at the time. Time has changed and culture along with it. We find men and women on a much more even playing field in most aspects of life: educational, vocational, relational, marital, etc. Unfortunately, for a broad range of attributed reasons, masculinity is being constructed (modeled) with the same traditional focuses. This incongruence between the modeled traditional masculinity and the new social expectations of men are causing any number of negative side effects the broader culture. My research steps into this space to gauge it’s effects specifically on male college students’ level of engagement.

Higher education has begun to feel the disengagement of male students, especially by student development professionals (i.e. residence hall directors, student programs directors, etc.). Male students are vastly outnumbered in applying for leadership positions, attending campus events, participating in class discussions, etc. A researcher by the name of George Kuh at Indiana University has been conducting a large scale data collection through an instrument he developed call the National Survey of Student Engagement (NSSE) since 2001. A lot of schools, big and small, use this instrument because of the prevailing culture of assessment on college campuses. His research shows that male students are less engaged than women right now and they are much less engaged than they were 10 years ago. Again, this is where my research steps in by finding out if there’s any attribution to the trend. Certainly a trend this wide spread has more going on than simply not programming well enough or catering enough to the needs of college men. Male students are still entering college reporting just as high of expectations as women and as men did ten years ago, but they aren’t following through with those expectations.

In a culture of video-games, facebook, and iPhones, male students are certainly doing things with their time. Why is it that these other things are so much more appealing to them during their college years than engaging in the college experience they’re spending their money for? I’ll be looking to see if there is any correlation between their measured level of traditional masculinity and their level of engagement in college. Certainly this is not the whole answer, but I would be surprised if I found no correlation. It’s also a good start, as a student development professional, to be able to get more to the root of the issues with a student spending hours a day at a video game or checking facebook.

Regina Spektor

I sat in my apartment alone doing nothing last night and I'm doing the same tonight. I told myself all week that I didn't want to do this, but here I am. I wonder why noone's called or tried to make plans with me prior to the weekend arriving, and then I remind myself that I can't remember the last weekend during the school year that I made plans with anyone other than her. And it's not like I'm running around proclaiming my vacant weekends to anyone either. I shouldn't expect others to read my mind. All in all, it's shaping up to be another very long weekend. Why can't I just pick up the phone and call around to find something to do?

Phil and Michelle came up today for Homecoming. Talking to him this afternoon for a few hours was a breath of fresh air. I'd pay alot of money right now to live the next six months or so with him in an apartment in Indy again.

I've been listening to Regina Spektor's song Summer in the City alot. I dont know if it's the forlorn way she sings the song that seems to echo how I feel inside, or something about the lyrics of the song itself.


Summer in the city
means cleavage cleavage cleavage
And I start to miss you, baby, sometimes
I've been staying up and drinking in a late night establishment
Telling strangers personal things

Summer in the city,
I'm so lonely lonely lonely
So I went to a protest just to rub up against strangers
And I did feel like coming but I also felt like crying
It doesn't seem so worth it right now

And the castrated ones stand in the corner smoking
They want to feel the bulges in their pants start to rise
At the site of a beautiful woman they feel nothing but
Anger, her skin makes them sick in the night
nauseaous, nauseaous, nauseaous

Summer in the city,
I'm so lonely lonely lonely
I've been hallucinating you, babe, at the backs of other women
And I tap on their shoulder and they turn around smiling
But there's no recognition in their eyes

Oh summer in the city
means cleavage cleavage cleavage
And don't get me wrong, dear, in general I'm doing quite fine
It's just when it's summer in the city, and you're so long gone from the city
I start to miss you, baby, sometimes
When it's summer in the city And you're so long gone from the city
I start to miss you, baby, sometimes
I start to miss you, baby, sometimes
I start to miss you, baby,


Things to talk about in future posts:
1) what to take away from the past 3 years
2) my Thesis
3) the Czech Republic
4) presidential election
5) Cubs
6) the job search
7) new music

Peers

Sometimes things change abruptly and it offers a new perspective on your life. In my case... I don't know that I have any peers in my life with any regularity. There are not alot of 26 year old, unmarried, male graduate student, assistant hall directors at a small Christian campus in Indiana. Maybe this is the case with all of us if we choose to see ourselves as defined by 4 or 5 demographic labels all at once. Whatever the reason, this is what I'm thinking about this afternoon. I've got alot of things going on inside without anyone to feel totally at ease about sharing them all with and simply taking in their responses without trying to frame it in some way. Maybe this is evidence of more root issues... I have a hard time trusting as fully as I should. Though this is not a new observation about myself, this reality seems to be hightened all the more, considering the changes. Who do I talk to and whom can I sense genuinely cares and genuinely understands? Ultimately, this thought process is pretty selfish, but still frustrating all the same.

Lets try this again...

I think there is an inverse relationship between the size of the crowd and the level of perceived loneliness. This coffee bar feels more like a cage than a workplace at the moment.

I hope I go to visit Shorb over fall break. Phil's coming up tonight to save me. My mom and sister came down for Airband last night...

I'm still in a fog. I wonder how long it will last.

Blogging is one of the most conceited things I can think of

In spite of this, here I am, knocking on the door of the 2nd quarter century of my life and looking to jump back into the blogosphere again.... what a LOSER! It's unfortunate that I give into the negative peer-pressure of my old roommate Phil (yep... alot's changed since the last post), Angela, and Ben Taylor. It's stupid to want to do this again. 1. I have little time (or so I tell myself). 2. I can't tell any stories or get on any soap boxes because they'll likely be about the students I work with (who are all tech-smarter than me, so they could find this thing and be pissed. Not to mention that I probably need to be talking to those students about those things directly anyway...). But, for 'strolling down nostalgia lane' purposes, we'll see if I can't find a spare minute here or there to jot down a few thoughts from time to time. Don't hold your breath for any 'State of the Yoder Address' sized posts anytime soon. However, in spite of all this mumbling and grumbling.... here we are, back at it again. So, Phil and Angela, eat your hearts out. I love you both.

The State of the Yoder Address

And life has gone on for the better part of the last two months as I haven’t done so well at keeping this updates (thank you to all who’ve done such a diligent job of reminding me so). So, without further adieu, I present you with ‘The State of the Yoder Address’.

Some people love the winter and some people hate it. I tend to be one who doesn’t really mind it, but am not overly taken with the bitter cold. Snow is always a pleasant thing though. This winter in Indy has had neither bitter cold nor much snow to speak of. In short, it’s been a rather ‘blah’ sort of time. There have been sunny days and sort of warm days which pretty much ended up being a tease to me, as spring was too far away to really get prepared for. And even now we see the same thing. It was supposed to be 65 yesterday and by Sunday it should be cold enough for a few snow flurries. The second day of March makes this a little more tolerable, but needless to say, the weather has made me feel like I’ve been in this two month long holding stage where there seems to be little progression toward or away from any one season.

At the beginning of this month I tuned in to watch the President’s State of the Union Address (this post’s namesake). There were a lot of words but none of them seemed to spark a whole lot of enthusiasm or excitement from me. You might say that this is because I’m not really a Bush supporter at all, and on top of that, I tend to be a pessimist when it pertains to politics anyway. But I would say that my lack of a positive response was caused by something even above these usual reasons. I think that even your everyday Bush supporter as well as the eternal optimist would have to be honest with themselves when considering the real legitimate chance that absolutely anything worthwhile will happen in the political realm in the next few months and years. We’re entrenched in a war that it’s not possible to get out of in the foreseeable future. That’s expended just about as much political capital that our president has to give. Congress is mired in an almost relentless routine of having another shady politician caught in another shady deal about every other news cycle. To top that off, many of them are up against mid-term elections at a time when simply being Republican is not going to win the reelection because the president’s approval rating is in the 30’s. Not to mention that the party as a whole seems to be splitting is opinion on most issues right now. Being a Democrat isn’t going to get anyone elected either on account of the fact that most people look for their elected officials to have some sort of alternative ideas to the faulty planning and actions of the current administration. And that is just about all that the Democrats are interested in doing right about now. All that to say that it’s great for President Bush to talk about Math and Science teacher initiatives or Alternative Energy initiatives but that’s all it is… talk. There’s no more political capital. What does all of this mean? It means that 2 or 3 years from now we’re still gonna be in Iraq. Iran’s still gonna be moving toward nuclear weapons. Our education system is still going to be mired in about the most stratifying inequality imaginable. We’re still going to be driving cars around that suck on gas at around 2.50 or 3.00 a gallon. And none of it is going to be heading toward a progressive new horizon of change anytime soon. What a waste of time. These are all just thoughts and opinions, mind you. I’m not a political scientist, so what do I know about any of this anyway?

I saw my friend Maha a few weekends ago. She was back in Warsaw for a few days to try and get her mom’s finances in order. I only saw her for an evening and we didn’t really talk of much of any consequence, which is unusual for the two of us when we’re together. However, it didn’t matter. Maha is a reminder to me that people can change. I’m not talking about her. I’m talking about myself. When we were in highschool together we were about as different as they came. We didn’t know each other, but at the same time, we both knew enough about each other to know we didn’t want to know each other. And then the coffee shop happened. And for the first time I realized that friendship is not necessarily a declaration of homogeneity. It was in those long nights closing the coffee shop that I learned how to have respect for someone who disagreed with me. I learned what it was to discuss and debate without getting personal or feeling attacked… simply exchanging ideas. These things don’t need a winner to be declared at the end. Before, I think in my head those sorts of exchanges were all a power play. I will exert my intellectual and mental power over you by getting you to realize you are wrong. Not the case at all. What a beautiful, life altering realization that is….. You have your opinions and I have mine. If we cant respect another person’s right to think what they want, then we have no respect for anyone at all.

My job is still excruciating. Days and weeks were flying by from November through January. I hit February feeling pretty good about things. Then it sort of hit me through a series of pretty crappy days that I still had 1/3 of a year left to go. That’s right, no joyrides here. 4 more months. The tough part about them is that there’s really no breaks or vacations and to top it off, there are still a couple months of less than pleasant weather. We began to get busier at work to the point where days became the frantic scramble that they were back in July and August. And I again wondered if I really would be able to make it to the summer time or if I should just quit right there. I weathered the storm again, and this week has seemed to be a relatively low key one with next week looking like most of the same. The real boost on the job front came this week when I got through the month of February and began the official countdown. Yes, I have a countdown of days left to work. We’re at 51. I made a calendar on my dry-erase board at home. Each day when I come home I get to put a big red X through the number written on that day (I’ve got a feeling this is going to be the most looked-foreward-to part of my days). I’ve got roughly 10 weeks left. I’m quitting on May 12^th at the latest. That’ll give me 2 weeks to move out of the apartment to wherever it is that im going (to be discussed later). I’ve decided that in 2 weeks im going to have to sit down with my boss and break the news to him. I’m already sort of dreading it. By then it’ll be 2 months till quitting time and I think that this will be sufficient amount of time for him to find a replacement and for me to help train the person, if that’s wanted. If all that happens fast, then I’ll probably just stay on at the warehouse for a few more weeks as an hourly employee or something. I don’t know how im going to break all of this to Marvin, but I’ve begun to have the conversation in my head and I just don’t know how he’s going to take it. Is he going to be understanding? Will he be angry? Will he feel let down? I don’t know. I hope that giving him that much notice makes it easier than if I waited to give my 2 weeks notice or something like that. As I made the calendar I got pretty excited. I’m doing my best to plan things for most of the weekends so I have stuff to look foreward to in the short term. However, I am already finding out that the end coming closer is making me less and less tolerant of the things I hate about my job. It’s getting harder for me to ignore those thoughts and feelings. They’re also coming with more frequency. I think that the month of March could be quite a trial to get through without some really depressing days. But if I can hold out till the weather turns, I may yet make it out with a bit of sanity and mental health. I know this all sounds sort of comical, but many of these things are the honest truth. I would really appreciate any prayer on behalf of my mental and emotional ability to deal with all of this appropriately. Summer time come to me fast.

The Shorbs visited me a few weekends ago. Good friends are life’s sunshine. They couldn’t stay long, just Saturday night and they were off after church on Sunday. It didn’t matter though. Just being in their presence again was the sun on my face. It made me kind of hope that Marvin hires someone new for my job soon so that I can maybe take a long weekend in the spring to visit them again. Nate seems to be slowly warming up to his job which is very encouraging. I don’t care what he says, I think that the kids who ended up in his class this year received one of God’s special blessings. Nate Shorb, you’re a life changer. Don’t forget that.

My parents came down to visit at the beginning of February. It’s kind of a cool part of growing up and having a place of your own… I got to be my parents’ reason for getting out of Warsaw and doing something different. I like that sort of thing. I could host people every weekend. I love them dearly and I hope that they never decide that I live too far away to want to come visit me. One casualty of the weekend…. Our Christmas tree. Yeah, it was still up in the apartment 2 months after we cut it down. The funny thing was that we stopped watering it at new years but the needles were all still attached. That all changed when the parents decided it needed to go and soon needles covered the whole floor. In fact, I stepped on one randomly this week. It kinda hurt.

Angela Moore is indescribably amazing. She is absolutely wonderful. She picks up my spirits immediately when I think of her, and looking foreward to our nightly phone conversations pushes me to make it through yet another workday. Sitting here trying to decide how to explain why this is the case…. Not because I need anything to fill that void or play that roll (because I was very paranoid about that being the case if I started a relationship at this particular juncture in my life with work being what it is and all). And not because I generally allow that person to play such a role in my life early on in a relationship either. Here’s my best shot. You hear people talk about a person who just simply compliments them wonderfully. That person who just fits with them. As if you were the pieces to a two piece puzzle. I don’t know, maybe this is turning into something too sappy and cheesy for you to read, but I guess this is what I’m getting at. Previous relationships seemed so much more forced and full of effort than this. Everything about this relationship is so organic and natural and fitting. Every relationship starts that way but as time goes on, we all realize that we’re all different people and relationship is this sort of intentional effort to come together somehow. And I’m not saying that this relationship wont have that (because every relationship will have that because people are people and people are messy and people have issues). But never before has absolutely everything about a person seemed so comforting, and peaceful, and exciting, and thoroughly enjoyable to me. Nothing’s perfect, and neither is this, but everything that’s not perfect about who each of us is in this relationship makes it feel all the more natural and good. I better cut this off soon… she discovered my blog finally (so phil and noah can stop impersonating her in the comments section) and read all about everything I wrote about her in November and December and she didn’t think I was too much of a crazy stalker person to stop dating, so that’s a plus. So, to keep from embarrassing her too much more, I’ll let that all stand as it is.

Oh, Valentine’s day… Angela’s mom has a degree in horticulture and has spent plenty of time in flower shops and doing arrangements before. Thus, Angela has sort of high-class taste in flowers. Well, I don’t know what sort of class they are cause I don’t know anything about flowers, but needless to say, she’s got some favorite flowers that are a little more specific than the random daisies or roses. I did a bit of scouting out the situation with casual conversation about a month prior to the event and got the names of her favorites. No cheesy red roses here… Instead I called up the Hartford City flower shop about 3 weeks before Valentine’s and ordered a dozen sterling roses, a dozen fire and ice roses, as well as a dozen delphiniums. They were to be delivered the day before Valentine’s to Amy Barnett’s house. About a week before V-Day Linda Brate was over at our apartment watching College Basketball with us. She and Phil told me that I should make my own valentines. I told them no, because I always do cards the same way. No matter to whom, or for whatever reason, I always get plain thank you cards and cross everything out to write my pages and pages of stuff all over the card. It feels more like my sort of thing to do than cheesiness. However, They convinced me and Linda said she’d help me make it. I went to her apartment a few days later and she freaked me out with all of her card-making equipment and supplies (she says every girl has that stuff but im not sure about that). I decided to make 3 cards for her. One for each dozen flowers. I cut them all out and they had cool paper on them and I even learned how to emboss the words right on the front which looked pretty sweet if I do say so myself. Anyway, I was up the weekend before Valentine’s to visit her and I dropped the cards off to Tracy. That night before V-Day, Steph, her roommate told her that she had an early early morning breakfast date. Really, she and Tracy woke up early and ran over the Amy’s house to pick up the flowers and put them and the cards in Angela’s room so that when she woke up she’d see them there. I liked that idea. No seeing your name on the English hall front desk board or whatever… She was going to wake up on Valentine’s Day and know someone thought she was special. So, yeah, then I drove up after work and surprised her. I think she was surprised anyway. She came downstairs and gave me a big hug, which made the whole thing worth it pretty much. So, yeah, there’s Valentine’s day (hope you enjoyed the story Courtney). Thankyou to everyone who helped… Amy, Phil, Tracy, and Steph and Linda you are good friends. I owe you.

Spring training is underway and that is always cause for celebration. I love baseball, and what I love about baseball are these things… 1. the Chicago Cubs 2. Live Baseball games. 3. Fantasy Baseball. Our fantasy baseball draft is next weekend. Everyone’s coming down for the weekend and it will be a full house. So much fun. Phil’s reserved the boardroom at his fancy schmancy bank and we’re all gonna come together with suits and laptops and merriment. Oh sweet, sweet, fantasy baseball. I’ve been working on my mock draft for the better part of 2 weeks now. Harder than you think it is. Needless to say, all the preparation isn’t going to do a bit of difference because 2 of my top five will spend half the year on the DL. When April hits we’re going to listen to Cubs broadcasts on the radio in the warehouse… I don’t even care what anyone says. If they complain, im firing them. Nuf’ Said. I’ve gotta decide what Cubs games im gonna buy tickets for. Wrigley field is my Mecca.

So, Taylor finally posted a generic Hall Director position. I’m in the process of getting my references around and as soon as those are taken care of I’ll get an application. It feels good to actually be doing something about this instead of just sitting and thinking and hoping. I had a meeting with Skip in January which went very well and I was more than encouraged by his words and thoughts. Taylor’s going to be offering a Masters of Student Development in 2 years. So, if I do land a job there next year, I may defer my Ball St. program in hopes that I’ll do the Taylor program instead. That’s really exciting. As this all gets closer, I’m getting more and more nervous about it. I know this is what I want to do and I feel confident that everything about this past year has all been one big precursor to making this next step in this exact direction. God is good, and I have confidence in that. I also have confidence that if it turns out I didn’t see God’s direction as clearly as I thought, that there will still be cause for hope and excitement about my future career. The prayer right now is more for calm, and peace of mind cause it’s gonna happen in it’s own good time and there’s nothing I can do about it.

This summer I could be back in Warsaw with the parents which would be fun. It would probably mean working 3^rd shift somewhere or picking up hours at the coffee shop again. I could also end up in Ohio with Noah. That would be sweet. I’d work construction. Noah would make living out there relatively inexpensive too. I could also end up living in Upland getting a jump on finding a job that will let me work there through the next school year. All of them excite me and im not sure if I like one over any of the others. Any ideas?

My sister has a boyfriend…. WHOA! And she actually seems to be acting like shes going to give this one a chance. I’m stoked. How about you(Noah, sorry you didn’t pan out for her…. Guess there are bigger and better guys out there)? He still hasn’t introduced himself to me. He got pretty nervous meeting my parents the other weekend. Someone should have told him that was a waste of time when he still had to deal with me. Good luck kid. This is my baby sister we’re talking about whom I love dearly. I’m waiting….

Wow, well, I think that’s getting caught up from the past 2 months. I’ve known this long one was due, and it’s prevented me from writing several small soapbox ones along the way, so now that we’re all caught up, hopefully we can get back on track with posting regularly.