hugs & vomit

I stayed up late last night doing school work. I was pretty tired when I went to bed. But I ended up staying up rediculously late wondering what she's been up to these past three weeks since we last talked. I wonder how school's been for her. Has her 5th period class still been giving her trouble? Has she thought up something fun and creative for her core plus class? Is she still teaching on Romiette and Julio? I wonder if she's been staying at school late still, or if she's going home and spending more time with her apartment girls. Does she feel a little bit colder these days? I certainly do, especially on the weekends when I'm sitting on my couch alone. Does she notice the missing hugs as much as I do? I thought about that today... strange. I am craving hugs right now.

She was here during homecoming this weekend. I think that contributed to me not coming out of the apartment this weekend. That would have been really difficult. I mean, I think I'm fighting hard to hold it together right now. If I'd happened to cross paths with her accidently I may well have broken into a lot of little pieces on the spot.

I told my PA's and my Lighthouse team about the breakup tonight. It made me want to vomit again. As I was riding in the car with Amy I figured out why. Every time I tell someone else it forces me to realize that this is more real than before. As if by not telling anyone I would somehow be suspending it somewhere between reality and imagination. That's pathetic, but it also makes sense. I think my initial coping mechanism is to feel numb to everything, allowing me to feel some sense of emotional stability. However, it's causing me to be unable to be joyful or lighthearted when people around me are. Because if I let myself feel happy, then I'll also have to let myself feel devistatingly sad. Thus, by telling someone out loud about it, it overwhelms my emotional self with reality so abruptly that my body responds with a nautious feeling. I've been trying to understand this for the past 3 weeks. Maybe understanding will bring relief.