Be changeable, Let go of resentment, Don't let your past define you

I'm home. The turkey's been eaten (well, at least the first of several times, no doubt). And I'm contemplating a good long nap on the couch. Thanksgiving's been good to me again. It's the first one without Tracy though, which is different. Not necessarily in a bad or good way, just that she's evidently not here. It's good to be with my parents though and I think we've got a good enjoyable weekend planned.

So, the second date. I know I've waited too long to sit down and write this all out. Cause, the more time passes, the more people ask me about it in person and the more often I tell the story, the more details I leave out I think. I'll try to be thorough though.

Saturday I picked her up at the dorm at around 1 and we headed down to Indy. Broadripple first, and The Monon Coffee Co. She let me suggest a new coffee drink for her and so I was very happy to get her a machiatto (as in a real one, not that starbucks crap). We sat and talked there for a while. It surprised me how comfortable she felt with me, and I'll comment on that at several points in the retelling here... After we were done we walked around a few of the little shops in the area. After we'd been there a couple hours we headed downtown to walk Circle Center Mall. We didn't talk a ton, but it was strangely comfortable to just walk around a crowded mall with her. As we began to get hungry I told her she had to pick where. It got narrowed down to PF Changs and Bucca de Beppos. When chang's had a line a mile long, Bucca's won by default. I think she liked the food. I forgot to say that about 10 minutes before the date began I was sitting in justin Thomas room and got so nervous about the date that I felt a little sick to my stomach. This persisted throughout the evening, not enough to ruin the moments, but enough to know that it was there. I interject this here because we were finished with dinner and the waiter asked if we wanted it boxed up and I said yes. She looked at me and asked if I was feeling ok. It caught me off guard and I said yes, why would you ask that. She pointed out that I'd barely eaten anything. I wasn't thinking about it at the time, but I really had just picked at it cause I don't think my stomach could have handled it. I probably should have just let her know that I was a little nervous and it was bothering my stomach, but I made up some lame excuse about being full or whatever. I think it was just mumbles. Anyway, we walked out of Bucca's and started walking and she wanted to know what was next so I told her that there were 3 options I'd thought of. 1: go to the chocolate cafe on the circle 2: go to the cool boarders store down the road 3: walk the canal. I said we could do as many or as few as she felt like considering it was into the evening now and it was a little chilly out. She decided on boarders and then wanted to go to the canal ( I felt pretty good about that last one cause that's really more of a 'date' thing to do, you know, walk the canal... So I figured she couldn't have been having too horrible of a time.) We went to the Boarders and walked around a bit. Earlier in the day she'd told me about a poetry class that she was in and so I found my favorite poetry book The Prophet by Khalil Gibhran. I read her a few poems that I liked and maybe that sounds like about the cheesiest thing you could do on a second date but I loved it. Who knows if she was thinking that or not, but every time I looked at her she smiled and seemed to be genuinely taking in the moment. Moment... yeah, when i was in it I recognized that it was definitely going to turn into one of those movie moments in my memory. When we were done with Boarders we headed to the canal. I'd never been there before but I was very pleasantly surpised at what a great spot it was. We started walking and started in on the most important dialogue of this whole little adventure of the past few months. Walked all the way to the end at 10th st. and turned back and walked to the beginning again. It was a long time, it was dark, it was cold, we were pretty much alone, and the conversation was stellar. By the time we got back to the beginning it was time to head back to the car and head home. When I dropped her off I asked her if she would mind if I called her. She responded pretty positively and that made me pretty excited. And that was date number 2. At least, the bare bones of it. So what was so great about it? Two things.

Like I said earlier, she seemed so comfortable and at ease with me. Not that that's a bad thing (in fact, a really good thing) but it's just not what I expected at all. I don't know when it'll stop suprising me, but for right now I am content to continually be surprised at who she really is. First impressions left me with the idea that she was this really quiet, very soft spoken, and generally agreeable person. None of those tend to hold true all the time and that's PERFECT. And not to mention, I put myself in her shoes and I don't know that I have the guts to let some college graduate pick me up, take me out on a date to the city, parts of which include long walks in dark canals. I respect it a ton and am very humbled by that.

Second thing, and the biggest part of the night... The dialogue. As we were walking the canal I asked her what was important. Left it vague and open like that because it's me and you know I'm good for those open ended questions that let me start to get and idea about who you really are by what you answer. She asked for a bit of help in direction and I said there was no direction, to take it wherever you want to go with it. Then I told her to tell me 3 important things. And then I told her she had to tell me 3 important things that didn't include the 3 things everyone would use to answer that (God, Family, Friends). And as she thought she came up with her 3 and some expanding thoughts with a few follow up questions I asked to make sure I understood what she meant by her answers....
1: Be open to change. God's made too many people with too many different experiences, perspectives, and understandings for me to get the idea that the way I do it, or the way I see it, or the way I think it is the 'best' or 'right' way. Life is one of those things that constantly requiring you to change and adapt, why would you fight so hard to stay the same when who you were then is not who you are now.
2: Let go of anger and resentment. (I thought this was a very curious choice from a girl who's struck me as so mild and timid, again a wonderful surprise to find out I am wrong) Though it's easy to talk about these two things in the form of interpersonal relationships, she's referring to circumstance in general. It's easy to become furious and exasperated by messed up things about our world and our life (IE: the education system and American Christianity, ironically 2 of my biggest soapboxes, which was about the biggest turn on a person like me can experience). Being so frustrated and annoyed at such things will only lead to ineffectiveness on my part. It's important to understand that if there's any chance at having an impact on such things, one needs to rid themselves of the extremes of such dislike, such as resentment and an overall chip on your shoulder.
3: You can't allow your background and life's experience to define who you are now and who you will be in the future. This is a crucial understanding if any of us is going to rise about all the crap in any of our lives, no matter what form that takes. If our past defines us then we will never allow ourselves to change (reference #1) and we will never grow.

Now, again, I know that I'm probably a peculiar person in this way, but ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!? There's absolutely no way that this girl answered that questions in those ways! Blown away. For all of you who know me, chances are you've heard me get on one of those soap boxes myself, or pushed you to your own personal understanding or healing via one of those routes. Even now as I recall that part of our conversation I am blown away that she really said all of those things. And to tell the truth I don't even know what to make of it all. I'll tell you what though, I'll bet you I'm about to make a big fool of myself or God's in the midst of all of this. Again, I sound cheesy saying that cause when people say things like that to me I roll my eyes and tell them to bring themselves down from the clouds and walk around in reality for a while. MAN! but those answers were so perfect. I don't know. She amazes me thus far.

So, I also forgot to say that date #3 got planned during the afternoon. She's coming down to the apartment next Saturday to help us decorate the apartment for Christmas. Phil's gonna bring someone down as well and we're gonna make a sweet day of it. We'll have hot chocolate and cider. There will be Christmas music and then we'll make dinner for them. The night will end with watching 'Love Actually', which Phil and I told ourselves we'd not watch again until Christmas time with a girl. In my wildest dreams I never thought that would come to fruition in any real sense.

So, what to make of this as a whole? To make some sort of sense of it quickly, this is what I've got. From May to before the 1st date when from nothing to intrigue. from before the date to after the flowers went from intrigue to infatuation. from the flowers to the end of date 2 moved from infatuation to 'holy crap, no more messing around. there's absolutely no reason you don't pursue a real relationship with this girl now'. So, that all leaves me with several big questions in my head that came up at the very beginning before I even asked her to go to the wedding with me, but they were questions I didn't need to work through because these were just dates and she was just a sweet girl and I didn't really expect for this to go so amazingly well, cause I mean, it's me, afterall. But now we've past a critical point where I need to work through these and come up with some answers for myself so I can attempt to move foreword with this. When I come to some resolution I may write them all down here. If you've got any wise words, then leave em on here, or maybe give me a call and talk some sense into me.