Klutz

I knocked a glass of water over on my laptop this afternoon. A few seconds later the screen went black. Perfect. I took it as far apart as I was comfortable and commandeered my mom's hair dryer for a while. After it was dry I put it all back together, plugged it in and pushed the power button. Nothing. More perfect. It's now sitting upside down over a vent for the next few days. Lets just say I'm not optimistic.

Me & Relationships (a honest venture)

My strengths in relationship:
-Committed: Relationship are as perfect as people are. That is to say, people are a mess of imperfections and mistakes, so I expect relationships to be as well. It takes significant troubles and difficulties across significant amounts of time for me to consider a relationship unable to work. I’ll not bow out quickly.
-Service: I think that the love language that I communicate most frequently is ‘acts of service’. I am always looking for opportunities to serve other people, and this is especially true for those most special to me. I’ll often inconvenience myself for the convenience of someone else.
-Listener: I think this is one of the best avenues for me to know and understand someone else. I want to hear about the mundane, everyday stuff just as much as I want to hear about the big, deep stuff that’s building or the hard, heavy baggage you’re carrying. I’m not just being polite; I genuinely want to know and genuinely want to understand.
-Feminist: There are a lot of ideas about what that word means. In this sense, I’m simply communicating that I have a very egalitarian perspective to women and men. This is true, also in the context of relationships. I’m not going to make any decisions for you. I’m also not going to expect you to bend to my will or desires. Your thoughts and opinions about you, me, and life can be just as valid in my mind as mine are. No (or at the least, a few that I’m not aware of) gender roles here. On second thought, maybe you think this is a weakness… whatever.
My weaknesses in relationship:
-Can’t verbalize my feelings on the spot: I interact with the world around me through my thoughts first, not my feelings. This is not to say that I consider thoughts supreme to feelings. That is simply not the way I’ve been shaped. Though I think I’ve worked very intentionally for the past 8 years to develop my emotional self more intentionally, it’s still not the filter with which I operate under. Thus, when things affect me deeply on an emotional level, it’s very difficult to put those feelings to words. It’s not to say that I don’t want to communicate them. It’s not because I don’t have feelings. It’s that I don’t know how to. It takes me quite a bit of time.
-I always want someone else to choose small stuff: This may not be a huge deal. I think it’s probably something that gets very annoying over time. Where should we go for dinner? What should we do for the next hour? Which directions should we take to get there? I don’t care. You pick. There will certainly be times when I’ll have preferences and opinions, but most of the time I simply don’t care and wish someone else would choose. Sometimes I think this is my attempt to submit myself to another person’s will more intentionally. I’ll share my preference if I have one, believe me. But believe me if I don’t have one, and PLEASE just CHOOSE!
-I’m not creative: Whether that’s coming up with a great date activity or the perfect present to show how much I care, I am not creative. I’m highly left brained. I can’t do art or music. I am simply not creative. This means that you’ll likely get tired of my ideas and probably disappointed by my lack of spontaneity. I’m an organized, routine oriented person. Sorry. This is not to say that I can’t do creative things. It just means I can’t come up with them on my own. I’m excited to participate in these things. It’s just hard for me to think of them.
-I don’t cry: Again, maybe a function of an underdeveloped emotional self. Maybe something else entirely. But there are very few times that I’ve cried. I promise this is not my attempt to be super masculine. There are many times that I’ve wished that I could cry. I suspect that there is something less than healthy at work here somewhere. I’m not totally uncomfortable with tears and I don’t look down on those who cry in front of me. Often, I’m envious. Because this isn’t a regular function of my own life, I’ll need your help so that I can understand what that’s communicating for you and how you would like me to respond. I’m sorry, I just don’t cry much.
-Time alone/apart is necessary for me: I think that ‘quality time’ is the love language that is best communicated to me. Nothing tells me that someone cares about me more than their willingness to spend time with me. I used to think that there was a bottomless pit of desire for time together in me. I’ve since realized that this is not true. In fact, everyone needs time apart and time alone; even from the people that mean the most to you. So, it is true with me. This doesn’t seem like a big deal until it gets applied to lives that are frenetically busy. If I’ve not gotten to spend time alone or time apart with my friends, our time together will begin to communicate less ‘love’ than it previously did. Don’t mistake this as my preface to justifying my neglect of our relationship for my own selfish ends because I can’t handle the responsibilities or requirements of a healthy, functioning relationship. I’m aware that a real relationship often requires time that I wouldn’t otherwise volunteer. But I also will need time apart and alone periodically.
-Big groups of new people: I’m sorry, but big groups of people I barely know or don’t know at all are very uncomfortable places for me. This is a terrible medium for me to feel like I’m getting to know people. When presented with such a setting, I’ll gravitate toward a corner to lean up against and try my best to go unnoticed. I’m aware that this can be very frustrating and may seem childish. But, again, being honest about myself, there’s something about this setting that is almost paralyzing to me. You’ll likely not change this about me. I’ve tried for years. Sorry.
Things I know I want:
-A teammate, someone w/ like desires: I think my desired vocation, higher education, is an all-or-nothing sort of endeavor. This is especially true for a live-in, residential position that I’ll take for the next 3 to 5 years. This vocation is significant to me because I perceive the work to be significant and filled with valuable pursuits. It is valuable because it’s working with 18-22 year old students who are in the process of evaluating and processing themselves in their world, autonomously for the first time. The opportunity to shape these lives for good is a privilege. It’s also terribly consuming in terms of time and emotions. If a significant other is not like-minded about these pursuits, that relationship will likely be strained to a breaking-point. I don’t want to convince someone that this job is worthwhile. I want someone who is excited at the opportunity to affect students in this way as well. I want someone whom I respect to be able to share their lives well, right along with me. You don’t need to be a hall director. You don’t even need to want to ‘work’ at a college. But at the least, you’ve got to desire that I work there. I also hope that you desire, even a little bit, to care for those students and desire their growth as well.
-A question asker/conversationalist: Since leaving for college, one of the things people have told me about myself the most is that I’m a good conversationalist. I hope it’s true. I love to talk with people, especially one-on-one. I think that I can carry the conversation of a relationship for a good long time. However, like so many things in relationships, if this isn’t able to be reciprocated to a certain level, then it will be difficult for the relationship to retain any of its initial enjoyment of company and conversation. I want you to ask me good questions too!
-to be with others while with each other: I’ve got GREAT friends. I know you’d like them too. I’m sure you’ve got some great friends as well. It would be so much fun to get to know them too. If you know my friends, then you’ll know more about me. If you watch how I act around my friends, you’ll know more of me as well. Those who think they know a significant other, without finding out how they are around their friends, is a fool. In order to avoid this, our time cannot simply be ‘one-on-one’. Again, ‘quality time’ is still my biggest love language, and that takes place one-on-one. But In order for me to think that you really want to be a part of my WHOLE life, and vice-versa, you’ve got to be ok being around the others that make of my whole life. This is likely not a huge deal early in a relationship. However, I still want those friendships in my life. It’s very difficult to maintain those if you aren’t interested in spending some of ‘our’ time with them. Things can turn very adversarial very quickly and that’s not going to lead to a good place relationally. My friends and family are great people, I promise! I think you’re great too, so there’s a good chance you’ll enjoy each other if you give them a chance.
-Spiritual maturity: I’m not putting myself on a pedestal. I’m not telling you that you’ve got to have a terminal degree in Theology. I’m simply saying that I’ve grown up my whole life in the Church. I’ve spent the last 15 years honestly trying to pursue a closer relationship with Jesus Christ through studying the Bible, attending Church, prayer, and discourse. I don’t have all the answers. I don’t have everything figured out. But I’ve got some background. A healthy spiritual relationship can be tenuous as it is. I want to feel confident that you’ll respect my ideas and understandings as much as you’ll challenge them. I want to be able to do the same for your ideas.
-Someone to laugh with: On my own, I am a pretty serious and intense person. On my own, I don’t laugh as much as I should. I want to laugh more. I want to be light hearted. I think I just need more help doing that than others.
-Someone who wants to know me deeply: This likely goes back to the desire for a good conversationalist. In the same way that I hope that I communicate that you are special by wanting to know so much of you that I’ll ask you lots of questions about your life, thoughts, opinions, and ideas; so will I feel that way if you ask me about myself in those ways too.
Things I know I don’t want:
-Don’t want to date for 3 years: I don’t think that this is the case for everyone everywhere, but for me, it’s where I’m at right now. I’m 26 years old. I’ve had several substantial relationships in my life up to this point. I (maybe arrogantly) consider myself a relatively self-aware individual. I don’t think I need that long to know someone well enough to be confident to make a decision one way or the other about ‘us’. If after a significant amount of time, if that’s still a question I can’t answer, then I’m going to take that as the answer itself. I don’t think it should take that long for me to decide. At this point I think I’m pretty honest about myself in the context of relationship (probably part of the reason for writing this post in the first place). Relationships, to me at this point, are likely going to be more about letting someone else have an honest look at me and vice-versa. I’m not going to try to convince you I’m someone I’m not. I’ve got shortcomings. I’ve got good stuff as well. If, after seeing all those things together, you think that’s alright… then good. If it’s not… Then let’s not waste our lives hoping things will change our we’ll get answers by osmosis somehow. Again, I’m not saying I can’t change or wont change. I’m just saying, I’ll be honest about who I am to you and I hope you’ll be honest with yourself about who I am as well. That may mean I’m not what you were looking for or not good enough or whatever. That’s ok. Let’s just call it what it is when we know what it is.
-Being another person’s first significant other: I’ve dated 4 girls in my life. I was the first boyfriend for all of them. There’s nothing inherently wrong about that. In fact, we all hear about stories of people marrying the only significant other they’ve ever known. I’m not discounting this as a possible reality for people. However, in my two most recent relationships it seems that some of the same hang-ups have occurred in the same places. Mostly, it’s about realistic expectations. The first relationship, if it doesn’t work out, is often where someone is able to most realistically gauge what should and should be expected. What is realistic? Especially for Christians unfortunately, we’ve all had that ‘God’s got the perfect person for you’ lie crammed down our throats (If that’s shocking for you to hear, I apologize and please ask me to explain it to you sometime before you judge me as too cynical). So, it’s reasonably difficult for someone to come to grips with the reality of how the first person you date falls far short of your expectations because, after all, they’re just a person, and not perfect at all. That happens for everyone, and it happened for me during my first relationship. However, if I’m honest with myself, hearing that I didn’t measure up to some unattainable idea of ‘the perfect person’ consistently from every girlfriend I’ve had through my young life has begun to have pretty negative affects on my perception of myself. And, to a degree (and I’m aware that this may come across as extremely arrogant), I think I’m an ok guy. Maybe I’m all wrong, but I don’t think that I’m such a bad or incomplete or immature person that I really am not a person who is worthy of marriage. And, at this point, I guess that’s why I would be very wary of dating someone who’s never dated before. At some point in my life, I think I’d like to get married. I don’t want to spend the rest of my romantic life being the wrecking ball for people’s unrealistic expectations of who they think they’ll marry. Maybe if I date someone who’s got a better perspective on what to expect, then maybe I won’t have to convince them that I’m not wrong just because I’m not perfect.


In conclusion, I write these things down knowing full well that what I ‘knew’ when I was 17, is not what I know now and I’m sure that what I ‘know’ now is not at all what I’ll know when I’m 30, or even tomorrow. Also, the ‘us’ that I refer to is anyone and no one in particular at all. I'm aware that alot of this stuff is more personal than one might consider it wise to plaster on the web for all to see. To that I remind you that this is more for me than for you. I don't expect anyone to 'do' anything about this. It's good for me to articulate these things for myself. I am who I am, and if you know about this, it's ok. That's all. Whoa, this is a lot post. Leave a comment if you read it all the way through.

Ice Storm 2008

On Thursday night Warsaw was subject to ice storm 2008. It resulted in Warsaw Schools cancelling the last day of classes for the semeseter, which meant my dad got to start his Christmas break early. It also left some pretty sweet remnants. Enjoy the pictures.

'healthy'?

How long does it take to move past a three year long relationship? You will give no answer because you’ll say there’s no formula and that looks different for everyone. To which I ask, slightly restate, at what point is it unhealthy to be moved past a three year long relationship? Again, you have trouble answering because you say each relationship is unique and has its own scars and its own baggage. Is it a measure of emotional stability? Are we simply talking about the passage of time? Does it mean solving the problems that caused the break downs? At what point can I confidently claim myself healthy again?

In my life, and I assume in the lives of most others, there have been experiences that took only a moment to occur that I’m still trying to understand and are likely still affecting me. Then there are also experiences that have occurred over months and years of my life, at the end of which, affect change in me instantaneously and then have held little to no bearing on the rest of my life. All the while, for both circumstances, the whole of my life has continued to move along.

So what do you or I know about healthy? Either of us could be minutes away from an unknown moment that will shake our lives or we could have something in our lives right now that is going to be the persistent prelude to a change that we never thought to have expected was occurring. Either way, these things will happen regardless of our preparedness for it; our ‘health’. Life’s not a jigsaw puzzle. We don’t deal with one thing at a time in our lives like one puzzle piece after another.

So, maybe I shouldn’t try to shut everything else off until I think I’ve put all the pieces back together. Maybe I should. What do I know?

The Post

So, Saturday, on my first night back in Warsaw for Christmas break I met up with a group of friends from my graduate program who were heading to Pierceton, IN (a little town right beside Warsaw) to a little bar called ‘The Post’. Why? One girl’s uncle plays in a rock band who had a gig there that night. Hilarious. Show stared at 9:30pm and I was not terribly optimistic about what we were going to encounter. But hey, good friends + Podunk bar + old man rock band = I’m down for the experience. And, wow, did it turn out to be an experience. ‘The Post’ used to be the old post office in Pierceton, and let’s just say that upon entering the smoky room, there were more Stetson cowboy hats than I was used to seeing all in one place. Also, there was a $3 cover charge. Funny, I think that’s the same amount I pay at Taylor to go see up and coming indie bands… whatever. The most important part of this experience was the dance floor in the middle of the room. The only thing funnier than all the cowboy hats was watching all the people dancing. Funniest of all was a big cowboy with a black hat on, who I guess was probably 6’4” with a big old goatee, dancing with a woman much smaller than him. I suspect they were both in their mid to late 30’s. They stayed out on the dance floor the whole night. He sang every word of every song to her while she seemed to make minimal facial expressions. After every song he gave her an awkward hug. Best of all… …wait for it… …as the night wore on he would unbutton another button on his shirt. By the end of the night his shirt was open just above his belly with chest hair on full display, still singing the words to his dance partner in his big black cowboy hat. HAAA! My other favorite was this little guy who wasn’t a cowboy at all and seemed to be very out of place. He was in baggy jeans with a gold necklace and tennis shoes. He wore a white baseball cap tilted off to the side. He was dancing around in big circles apparently with everyone and no one all at the same time with a grin on his face. He seemed peculiarly out of place. Sara and Laura got on stage to sign with her uncle. They were rock stars for sure except I don’t think their mic was turned up. Woops. Don’t worry though, the Shorby Shuffle had to make it’s presence felt. Sorry Nate.

So, I’m about to fly halfway across the globe to the Czech Republic. It’s going to be a cultural experience. I also drive across the county line from time to time. That can be a cultural experience too. GIDDYUP! Thanks for bringing me along Sara, Laura, and Jenn.

Potential Employers

Here's the current list of schools I know I'll consider applying for this spring, in no particular order.

Eastern (near Philadelphia)
Lehigh (Bethlehem, PA)
Messiah (PA)
Temple (Philadelphia)
Philadelphia Biblical
Gordon (Boston)
Emmanuel (Boston)
Belmont (Nashville)
Lipscomb (Nashville)
Lee (TN)
Union (TN)
Notre Dame
North Park (Chicago)
Trinity International (Chicago)
Calvin (MI)
Bethel (Minneapolis)

Other considerations:
Northwestern (IA)
Taylor
Butler (Indy)
Huntington
Malone (OH)
Grace College (Tracy talked about applying to be an RD, so that's how it make it on the list)
Cornerstone (MI)
Oberlin (OH)

Any other suggestions???

With Honors

The final for our Spiritual Formation class was a 10 page paper on the 1994 film, With Honors. Cheesy on the surface. Less cheesy a few layers below. So, in the spirit of an 11 day span between the return from Thanksgiving break to the beginning of Christmas break that was overrun by student issues and getting owned by the cold my dad passed onto me at Thanksgiving, I pulled the last all-niter of 2008 last Monday writing this thing. I think it could have made for a cheesy movie of it's own. Mondays are always full of meetings for me, but this one had the first meetings starting at 11am and they went back to back from then until 10:45pm. At which point, of course, I gave Kyle a call and headed to The Sunshine Cafe with laptops and good intentions of getting to work in tote. The whole reason we went was because Kyle was cashing in on a deal we made for him to sit in my apartment that smelled like rotten eggs, but that's another story for another time. When we arrived at the diner the first problem we encountered was a lack of electrical outlets. Welp, guess we're not writing the whole paper here cause our computer batteries wont last that long. The second problem arrived with Missy showing up to give us some cookies. What ensued was about an hour and a half of more GREAT conversation about whatever. The third problem reared it's ugly head when she left and we realized that neither of us wanted to write this thing. So, after filling up on crappy, greasy diner food, we gave it our best effort for about an hour and then headed home around 2:15am. Class starts at 9am, so what better thing to do then call up friends at the post and work there? And, believe it or not, we did. Emily, Rody, and Sara were already at work. Kyle and I joined and got right down to business. The three girls finished and went to sleep. Kyle and I stayed up and completed Kyle's first legitimate all-niter for academic reasons (BOOYEAH!). We finished up at 7:30am with enough time to run home for a shower and change of clothes. Good friends. Good memories.

Overall, I didn't think this movie was terribly worthy of such in-depth critique. However, there was a great excerpt from Whitman.
‘You shall no longer take things at second or third hand nor look through the eyes of the dead nor feed on the specters in books. You shall not look through my eyes either nor take things from me. You shall listen to all sides and filter them from yourself.’
–Walt Whitman Song of Myself

Thesis Thanksgiving

Before Thanksgiving Break my thesis data collection was administered. Every male student in a residence hall was given my survey as a supplement to the standard residence life survey. I have a response rate of about 600, which is huge. I'm very excited about this. My data set will be substantial and hopefully, that means significant when all is said and done. I collected all of the responses before I headed home for the break. My mom and I spent several hours together entering about 100 of them onto the computer. Between working with Sara during Jumping Bean shifts and afternoons at the Rusty Post (Let's be honest, I'm a poor research assistant... sorry) as well as commandeering the help of my PA staff for a few minutes after one of our meetings, I've got about 360 entered. I head into the Christmas break with 250 or so left to enter. What else could a guy want to do with 3 weeks during the Christmas season than enter data for a research thesis? ha.

Back to Thanksgiving. Dad was down for the count with a bad cold (which he passed onto me right before I left) and Tracy was working like a good poor graduate student has to. This left my mom and I to spend tons of time together during the break. It was great! I can't recall the last time that I spent that much intentional time with only my mother. We caught up on all sorts of stuff. She's been worried about me this semester, as I'm sure most mothers would in response to that sort of stuff. It was good to be able to share everything with her and give her a chance to ask questions and give her answers. So often when I call home, I talk to dad only. I forget that she's left with answers mediated to her by someone else. Though, I know she's understanding, I'm trying to do a better job of calling and talking directly to her as much as I call dad.

Since she's been retired and since I've spent more time with her without so much stress in her life, I think I'm discovering more about how we're similar. This Thanksgiving I realized that we are similar in our low-key personalities and our mutual lazze-fare approach to decisions on unimportant things. I mean, who cares what restaurant we go eat at anyway? Not mom or I. Just choose. Thank you.

Shorbs

As was written about a month ago, in my previous post, I headed out to my friends, the Shorbs, in a pretty pathetic emotional state all over again. As communication was traded, things were said that threw me into a tailspin. The 20 hours of driving out to P.A. & back was alone time long overdue. It's something I'd been avoiding like the plague for about 6 weeks at that point. It's very difficult for me to go without time alone, so by this point, its fair to say that I was pretty raged. Nate & Erica took me in and through their friendship, I think God filled me up and put me back on my feet. The whole weekend was wonderful. However, I think that I would have driven the whole way out there to have our conversation Friday night only to jump back in the car and drive all the way back and counted it time well spent. I'd been in a haze for the better part of the semester up until then. Everything was reaction and fighting to be OK. In our time good questions were asked; truth was spoken; challenges leveled; and care communicated. God spoke to me through the mouths of Nate and Erica the whole weekend, but that first night's conversation especially. Thank you Lord.

The rest of the weekend was filled with college visits to Eastern and Lehigh (I think it's safe to say that the visit firmly cemented eastern PA as a top location of choice for my job search in the spring). We also made the obligatory pilgrimage to Pat's in downtown Philadelphia for cheesesteaks even in the monsoon rains. Other highlights were band practice, 3 church services, family lunch at the Shorbs (Nate's parents), and young adults Bible study.

I drove home on Monday with clarity I'd not had since August. The change in my heart and head seemed unbelievable. As things have sunk in for the past month, it's not left me. Though this was not originally my choice, I am choosing to move forward and I feel confident there is wisdom here. Hindsight is 20/20 (as Mr. Grose, my 12th grade Govt. teacher always said) and some of haziness that's begun to come into focus are important.

I left, living a life that was 'numb' and afraid to be overwhelmed. I returned with a clarity that my life can move in the direction of 'healthy'. Thank you Nate and Erica.