My strengths in relationship:
-Committed: Relationship are as perfect as people are. That is to say, people are a mess of imperfections and mistakes, so I expect relationships to be as well. It takes significant troubles and difficulties across significant amounts of time for me to consider a relationship unable to work. I’ll not bow out quickly.
-Service: I think that the love language that I communicate most frequently is ‘acts of service’. I am always looking for opportunities to serve other people, and this is especially true for those most special to me. I’ll often inconvenience myself for the convenience of someone else.
-Listener: I think this is one of the best avenues for me to know and understand someone else. I want to hear about the mundane, everyday stuff just as much as I want to hear about the big, deep stuff that’s building or the hard, heavy baggage you’re carrying. I’m not just being polite; I genuinely want to know and genuinely want to understand.
-Feminist: There are a lot of ideas about what that word means. In this sense, I’m simply communicating that I have a very egalitarian perspective to women and men. This is true, also in the context of relationships. I’m not going to make any decisions for you. I’m also not going to expect you to bend to my will or desires. Your thoughts and opinions about you, me, and life can be just as valid in my mind as mine are. No (or at the least, a few that I’m not aware of) gender roles here. On second thought, maybe you think this is a weakness… whatever.
My weaknesses in relationship:
-Can’t verbalize my feelings on the spot: I interact with the world around me through my thoughts first, not my feelings. This is not to say that I consider thoughts supreme to feelings. That is simply not the way I’
ve been shaped. Though I think I’
ve worked very intentionally for the past 8 years to develop my emotional self more intentionally, it’s still not the filter with which I operate under. Thus, when things affect me deeply on an emotional level, it’s very difficult to put those feelings to words. It’s not to say that I don’t want to communicate them. It’s not because I don’t have feelings. It’s that I don’t know how to. It takes me quite a bit of time.
-I always want someone else to choose small stuff: This may not be a huge deal. I think it’s probably something that gets very annoying over time. Where should we go for dinner? What should we do for the next hour? Which directions should we take to get there? I don’t care. You pick. There will certainly be times when I’ll have preferences and opinions, but most of the time I simply don’t care and wish someone else would choose. Sometimes I think this is my attempt to submit myself to another person’s will more intentionally. I’ll share my preference if I have one, believe me. But believe me if I don’t have one, and PLEASE just CHOOSE!
-I’m not creative: Whether that’s coming up with a great date activity or the perfect present to show how much I care, I am not creative. I’m highly left brained. I can’t do art or music. I am simply not creative. This means that you’ll likely get tired of my ideas and probably disappointed by my lack of spontaneity. I’m an organized, routine oriented person. Sorry. This is not to say that I can’t do creative things. It just means I can’t come up with them on my own. I’m excited to participate in these things. It’s just hard for me to think of them.
-I don’t cry: Again, maybe a function of an underdeveloped emotional self. Maybe something else entirely. But there are very few times that I’
ve cried. I promise this is not my attempt to be super masculine. There are many times that I’
ve wished that I could cry. I suspect that there is something less than healthy at work here somewhere. I’m not totally uncomfortable with tears and I don’t look down on those who cry in front of me. Often, I’m envious. Because this
isn’t a regular function of my own life, I’ll need your help so that I can understand what that’s communicating for you and how you would like me to respond. I’m sorry, I just don’t cry much.
-Time alone/apart is necessary for me: I think that ‘quality time’ is the love language that is best communicated to me. Nothing tells me that someone cares about me more than their willingness to spend time with me. I used to think that there was a bottomless pit of desire for time together in me. I’
ve since realized that this is not true. In fact, everyone needs time apart and time alone; even from the people that mean the most to you. So, it is true with me. This
doesn’t seem like a big deal until it gets applied to lives that are frenetically busy. If I’
ve not gotten to spend time alone or time apart with my friends, our time together will begin to communicate less ‘love’ than it previously did. Don’t mistake this as my preface to justifying my neglect of our relationship for my own selfish ends because I can’t handle the responsibilities or requirements of a healthy, functioning relationship. I’m aware that a real relationship often requires time that I
wouldn’t otherwise volunteer. But I also will need time apart and alone periodically.
-Big groups of new people: I’m sorry, but big groups of people I barely know or don’t know at all are very uncomfortable places for me. This is a terrible medium for me to feel like I’m getting to know people. When presented with such a setting, I’ll gravitate toward a corner to lean up against and try my best to go unnoticed. I’m aware that this can be very frustrating and may seem childish. But, again, being honest about myself, there’s something about this setting that is almost paralyzing to me. You’ll likely not change this about me. I’
ve tried for years. Sorry.
Things I know I want:
-A teammate, someone w/ like desires: I think my desired vocation, higher education, is an all-or-nothing sort of endeavor. This is especially true for a live-in, residential position that I’ll take for the next 3 to 5 years. This vocation is significant to me because I perceive the work to be significant and filled with valuable pursuits. It is valuable because it’s working with 18-22 year old students who are in the process of evaluating and processing themselves in their world, autonomously for the first time. The opportunity to shape these lives for good is a privilege. It’s also terribly consuming in terms of time and emotions. If a significant other is not like-minded about these pursuits, that relationship will likely be strained to a breaking-point. I don’t want to convince someone that this job is worthwhile. I want someone who is excited at the opportunity to affect students in this way as well. I want someone whom I respect to be able to share their lives well, right along with me. You don’t need to be a hall director. You don’t even need to want to ‘work’ at a college. But at the least, you’
ve got to desire that I work there. I also hope that you desire, even a little bit, to care for those students and desire their growth as well.
-A question asker/conversationalist: Since leaving for college, one of the things people have told me about myself the most is that I’m a good conversationalist. I hope it’s true. I love to talk with people, especially one-on-one. I think that I can carry the conversation of a relationship for a good long time. However, like so many things in relationships, if this
isn’t able to be reciprocated to a certain level, then it will be difficult for the relationship to retain any of its initial enjoyment of company and conversation. I want you to ask me good questions too!
-to be with others while with each other: I’
ve got GREAT friends. I know you’d like them too. I’m sure you’
ve got some great friends as well. It would be so much fun to get to know them too. If you know my friends, then you’ll know more about me. If you watch how I act around my friends, you’ll know more of me as well. Those who think they know a significant other, without finding out how they are around their friends, is a fool. In order to avoid this, our time cannot simply be ‘one-on-one’. Again, ‘quality time’ is still my biggest love language, and that takes place one-on-one. But In order for me to think that you really want to be a part of my WHOLE life, and vice-
versa, you’
ve got to be
ok being around the others that make of my whole life. This is likely not a huge deal early in a relationship. However, I still want those friendships in my life. It’s very difficult to maintain those if you
aren’t interested in spending some of ‘our’ time with them. Things can turn very adversarial very quickly and that’s not going to lead to a good place relationally. My friends and family are great people, I promise! I think you’re great too, so there’s a good chance you’ll enjoy each other if you give them a chance.
-Spiritual maturity: I’m not putting myself on a pedestal. I’m not telling you that you’
ve got to have a terminal degree in Theology. I’m simply saying that I’
ve grown up my whole life in the Church. I’
ve spent the last 15 years honestly trying to pursue a closer relationship with Jesus Christ through studying the Bible, attending Church, prayer, and discourse. I don’t have all the answers. I don’t have everything figured out. But I’
ve got some background. A healthy spiritual relationship can be tenuous as it is. I want to feel confident that you’ll respect my ideas and understandings as much as you’ll challenge them. I want to be able to do the same for your ideas.
-Someone to laugh with: On my own, I am a pretty serious and intense person. On my own, I don’t laugh as much as I should. I want to laugh more. I want to be light hearted. I think I just need more help doing that than others.
-Someone who wants to know me deeply: This likely goes back to the desire for a good conversationalist. In the same way that I hope that I communicate that you are special by wanting to know so much of you that I’ll ask you lots of questions about your life, thoughts, opinions, and ideas; so will I feel that way if you ask me about myself in those ways too.
Things I know I don’t want:
-Don’t want to date for 3 years: I don’t think that this is the case for everyone everywhere, but for me, it’s where I’m at right now. I’m 26 years old. I’
ve had several substantial relationships in my life up to this point. I (maybe arrogantly) consider myself a relatively self-aware individual. I don’t think I need that long to know someone well enough to be confident to make a decision one way or the other about ‘us’. If after a significant amount of time, if that’s still a question I can’t answer, then I’m going to take that as the answer itself. I don’t think it should take that long for me to decide. At this point I think I’m pretty honest about myself in the context of relationship (probably part of the reason for writing this post in the first place). Relationships, to me at this point, are likely going to be more about letting someone else have an honest look at me and vice-
versa. I’m not going to try to convince you I’m someone I’m not. I’
ve got shortcomings. I’
ve got good stuff as well. If, after seeing all those things together, you think that’s alright… then good. If it’s not… Then let’s not waste our lives hoping things will change our we’ll get answers by osmosis somehow. Again, I’m not saying I can’t change or wont change. I’m just saying, I’ll be honest about who I am to you and I hope you’ll be honest with yourself about who I am as well. That may mean I’m not what you were looking for or not good enough or whatever. That’s
ok. Let’s just call it what it is when we know what it is.
-Being another person’s first significant other: I’
ve dated 4 girls in my life. I was the first boyfriend for all of them. There’s nothing inherently wrong about that. In fact, we all hear about stories of people marrying the only significant other they’
ve ever known. I’m not discounting this as a possible reality for people. However, in my two most recent relationships it seems that some of the same hang-ups have occurred in the same places. Mostly, it’s about realistic expectations. The first relationship, if it
doesn’t work out, is often where someone is able to most realistically gauge what should and should be expected. What is realistic? Especially for Christians unfortunately, we’
ve all had that ‘God’s got the perfect person for you’ lie crammed down our throats (If that’s shocking for you to hear, I apologize and please ask me to explain it to you sometime before you judge me as too cynical). So, it’s reasonably difficult for someone to come to grips with the reality of how the first person you date falls far short of your expectations because, after all, they’re just a person, and not perfect at all. That happens for everyone, and it happened for me during my first relationship. However, if I’m honest with myself, hearing that I
didn’t measure up to some unattainable idea of ‘the perfect person’ consistently from every girlfriend I’
ve had through my young life has begun to have pretty negative affects on my perception of myself. And, to a degree (and I’m aware that this may come across as extremely arrogant), I think I’m an
ok guy. Maybe I’m all wrong, but I don’t think that I’m such a bad or incomplete or immature person that I really am not a person who is worthy of marriage. And, at this point, I guess that’s why I would be very wary of dating someone who’s never dated before. At some point in my life, I think I’d like to get married. I don’t want to spend the rest of my romantic life being the wrecking ball for people’s unrealistic expectations of who they think they’ll marry. Maybe if I date someone who’s got a better perspective on what to expect, then maybe I won’t have to convince them that I’m not wrong just because I’m not perfect.
In conclusion, I write these things down knowing full well that what I ‘knew’ when I was 17, is not what I know now and I’m sure that what I ‘know’ now is not at all what I’ll know when I’m 30, or even tomorrow. Also, the ‘us’ that I refer to is anyone and no one in particular at all. I'm aware that
alot of this stuff is more personal than one might consider it wise to plaster on the web for all to see. To that I remind you that this is more for me than for you. I don't expect anyone to 'do' anything about this. It's good for me to articulate these things for myself. I am who I am, and if you know about this, it's
ok. That's all. Whoa, this is a lot post. Leave a comment if you read it all the way through.
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