A Rosie Thomas song I can't stop listening to

OCTOBER

Make her a flower in late December when the sun is not shining on her
Write her a love song and play it all day long to remind her of all that she is worth
Never, Never leave her

Take her on long drives for ice cream by seaside and give her your coat when she is cold
Tell her you miss her when you're close enough to kiss her and that you'd walk 1000 miles to tell her so
Never, Never leave her

Take photographs of her on Brooklyn street in October when her nervous smile is slightly curved
Some days when she's slightly down tell her it's ok to frown it make you just fall more in love with her
Never, Never, never, never leave her

-Rosie Thomas

I am a lonely schmuck.

I am a lonely schmuck. It's a pretty pathetic state to be in, but it's true none the less. I dont think im going to a good friend's wedding becuase of this. How selfish is that? On a lighter night, It's official, im taking 2 vacation days in the middle of next month to see Shorb and Erica. The big question now... Do I fly or do i drive?

2nds

I'm working 2nd shift for Thursday, Friday, and Monday. We took a rush job at the warehouse and now we have to keep the place open twice as long to get everything through. It's not as bad as I was thinking it was going to be. Yesterday it was good to sleep in (to 730) and just sort of be lazy most of the day. Working in the evening isn't so bad and it kind of reminded me of nights going in to close Courthouse down (except not really at all by the end of the night). So Ill work the same shift tonite and depart for home right afterwards. Should make for a long sleepy drive. On a side note. Notre Dame plays USC this weekend. I've been a bit nervous since tuesday. ESPN has done a good job of hyping it. I just can't decide what to expect. I hope i dont have a mortally wounding saturday afternoon if they dont win... no promises though.

Homecoming

This weekend was a truely blessed time for me. It was great to be back and to see everyone. At one point during the weekend it felt like I was back there again. Oh, how much I crave the oportunity to be that useful and effective again. I felt like I did more worthwhile things in the last 4 days than I have done in the last 6 months. Wow. It felt as if it was yet another step in God showing me where my heart really lies and where my gifts and purpose truely will be realized. I hope that people I talked to don't forget to keep me updated on life. On a side note, my sister is wonderful. Words don't describe that relationship. On a second note, I got to coach a girls football game tonite. YES.

Taylor time

So, the last few weeks have definately had a Taylor flavor for me. Two weeks ago I was invited down for the PA inservice to be the guest speaker (more on that soon). This last week I was asked by the admissions office to go to Herritage Christian Highschool and be a representative for their big college fair. Tonite I'm going up to see Tracy and watch airband. Then this weekend Im heading up for Homecoming. So, yeah, T.U. aye?

Contentment

Contentment. It’s one of those things that you don’t think about when you’ve got it, but can’t get past it when you don’t have it. What causes contentment? I’ve asked myself that a few times over the past months, but with no real answer. Part of me wants to say that contentment is something experienced when one is where they’re supposed to be. When I’m fulfilled and beneficial, doing things that are worthwhile and with purpose, I feel content. Another part of me thinks that contentment as all a frame of mind. If I just get myself to believe that wherever I find myself, in whatever situation, I am where I want to be and should be. In other words, the grass is always going to be greener somewhere else, but if I just remind myself to look around me and appreciate what I do have and the good things about where I am at, then I will find contentment. I’m sure there are a lot of other perspectives on this, but these seem to be the two ends of a sort of internal tug-of-war. I find myself, at times, quite discontent; very uncomfortable with where I’m at and what I’m doing with an intense desire to change directions quickly. I know that the discontentment comes directly from my job and I know what it is about my job that causes so much strife internally. However, I am constantly going back and forth about whether this discontent is the realization that this job that I am in is far and away not something that I am supposed to be doing for a very long period of time or if it’s simply something that I’ve figured out isn’t for me that much and I’m amplifying the situation beyond what is rationally necessary.

This weekend has been spent in a similar vein as a few spent at the end of July, thinking about how this job is sucking the life out of me day by day and how I am doing a horrible disservice to myself by simply sucking it up and continuing on not looking forward to the upcoming day. Part of me thinks that by doing such a stubborn thing that I am doing direct harm to my spiritual life. I mean, in the last four months there has been little to no desire to serve others at all. There’s been minimal desire to participate in the community of believers, and I’ve begun to approach my spiritual life in a very selfish and conceited mannor. I go to church for me, not to be a blessing to others. When I think of engaging with others in the church, it’s more for my perceived necessity for a social group as opposed to an attempt to really be a part of the community. Not only am I not involved in any sort of ministry, if one were to fall into my lap I would turn away from it because I have little physical, mental, or spiritual energy to focus on anything other than my own situation and life. This is not what God’s called for me in my life. This is not what my spiritual life and ministry outlook are supposed to be. If I can honestly say that this job is the primary cause to such a selfish and dysfunctional approach to my spiritual life, then I should not continue on in such a thing. However, there’s the flip side to such an avenue of thought. If I simply stop, step outside of my own selfishness long enough to look at things in a broader perspective I remember that the situation I find myself in is an extremely blessed one. I am in a job that is paying me very well; much more that I really need, in fact. I don’t worry about paying bills or buying food or putting gas in my car. I have most of my evenings and weekends free to do whatever I want. My boss is a wonderful Christian man who cares very much about me. My apartment is nice, my roommate is very good, my family is supportive, etc. etc. How many people would give up a lot to find themselves in such a situation. Certainly I am being to selfish and narrow minded to appreciated all the blessings that are present in my life currently and the idea that I am going to let the amout of fulfillment in my job to dictate such a high level of discontent in the rest of my life is foolish and ridiculous. Certainly God would see any attempt to change jobs so soon would be a slap in the face or a rejection of the blessings he’s given me. After all, where’s the perseverance in the midst of trails? Where’s the faith that I’m supposed to be living with daily?

And so I go back and forth. Stick the job out for a year, or change after 6 months. For the past month, it’s been ‘stick out the year’. At the end of this weekend, it’s ‘change at 6 months’. Who knows what it will be like tomorrow. I continue to pray, as I have ceaselessly for the past 3 months, that God would somehow clear up the muddy water in my thinking. I want my life to be one that is glorifying to Him. I want to make choices that honour the blessings he’s bestowed upon me in my life. Easier said than done. Any advice?

Don't call it a comeback

So, for the last month and a half i've neglected this thing pretty much. So, here's my renewed commitment to keep this updated.

I'm at work. It's friday. This week's cruised by, which is good. The weather is cool and sunny, which is very enjoyable. Justin Thomas is coming down to visit us tonite. The boss is gone today. I look foreward to rest and relaxation this weekend and one post of depth before monday.

Summer is fading fast

This week, i have a feeling, was summer's last gasp before yielding into the perfect time of year... yes, the fall. Today was an utterly perfect welcoming ceremony. It was overcast all day with the rain moving in about mid afternoon... In the warehouse, i was by myself, sounds were muted, it started to get dark noticibly early, and of course, I had my mellow music on, which resulted in a sweet sweet melancholy mood. Tonight would be a great time to go on a walk with someone. If I was at Taylor now, I'd definately find someone to go on a walk with. Hopefully I'll find someone worth walking in the rain with before the season passes by. (Ok, that's a little wishful thinking for you)

Closer

I thoroughly love the film 'Closer'. I don't recommend it to most anyone, but I love it. It's amazingly depressing and hopeless, but so deep and symbolic. The writers of that script blow me away each time I watch it. So, we watched it tonite at the apartment. I'm quite depressed. It's a good kind of depressed though. People at times tend to worry about me when I get in these sort of melancholy moods, but they shouldn't. I'm fine. I do my best thinking and writing in moods like this. So, don't get me wrong here, chances are, you shouldn't watch this movie. But if you must, we should watch it together so we can have quality discussions about it afterwards, to make sure that it was appreciated for what it is.

So, we're half way through september. Life's been moving along pretty well. The most exciting thing that I've discovered in the past week: If I choose to place my vacation days a certain way, i could have a 3 day weekend every two weeks from now through Christmas. WHOA! So, that means that Shorb, you better plan on a visit sometime between now and then.

My dad just called me. I've just been summoned to jury duty for the 4th time in 2 years. Some people go their whole lives without being called to jury duty. Wierd.

$3.19

Yesterday morning I drove into work with my gas light blinking cause i was almost empty. I thought of filling up at the gas station on the corner on my way to work. However, as I passed, I saw that the price was $2.57 a gallon. A little depressed at the price, i decided, for whatever stupid reason, to not fill up and wait till after work. Bad idea. I drove home only to see that the price was now $3.19 a gallon. WHOA! nothing like a 60 cent jump in like 9 hours. So, needless to say, i was in no mood to fill up then either. By this point my gas light is shining brightly at me. This morning I go in to work and stop at a Sam's Club gas station that, for whatever reason was selling gas at $2.89. I pulled up, put the hose in and pulled the handle only for nothing to happen. I looked up and around to figure out what was happening, only to notice that all the other people there were doing exactly the same thing. The clerk came out promptly to announce that they were out of gas. Crap. I had left early in order to get gas as well as some breakfast becuase we don't have milk in the fridge at home for cereal. However, as I passed McDonnalds, the line was alot longer than my gas tank would have held out for, so i drove to the corner gas station, where I had to wait to get to a pump and filled up with $3.19 gas. The total came to just over $40. To rub salt in the wound, there was now no time to get any breakfast, so now I'm at work, hungry, and lighter in the wallet. What a day this is starting off to be.