Contentment

Contentment. It’s one of those things that you don’t think about when you’ve got it, but can’t get past it when you don’t have it. What causes contentment? I’ve asked myself that a few times over the past months, but with no real answer. Part of me wants to say that contentment is something experienced when one is where they’re supposed to be. When I’m fulfilled and beneficial, doing things that are worthwhile and with purpose, I feel content. Another part of me thinks that contentment as all a frame of mind. If I just get myself to believe that wherever I find myself, in whatever situation, I am where I want to be and should be. In other words, the grass is always going to be greener somewhere else, but if I just remind myself to look around me and appreciate what I do have and the good things about where I am at, then I will find contentment. I’m sure there are a lot of other perspectives on this, but these seem to be the two ends of a sort of internal tug-of-war. I find myself, at times, quite discontent; very uncomfortable with where I’m at and what I’m doing with an intense desire to change directions quickly. I know that the discontentment comes directly from my job and I know what it is about my job that causes so much strife internally. However, I am constantly going back and forth about whether this discontent is the realization that this job that I am in is far and away not something that I am supposed to be doing for a very long period of time or if it’s simply something that I’ve figured out isn’t for me that much and I’m amplifying the situation beyond what is rationally necessary.

This weekend has been spent in a similar vein as a few spent at the end of July, thinking about how this job is sucking the life out of me day by day and how I am doing a horrible disservice to myself by simply sucking it up and continuing on not looking forward to the upcoming day. Part of me thinks that by doing such a stubborn thing that I am doing direct harm to my spiritual life. I mean, in the last four months there has been little to no desire to serve others at all. There’s been minimal desire to participate in the community of believers, and I’ve begun to approach my spiritual life in a very selfish and conceited mannor. I go to church for me, not to be a blessing to others. When I think of engaging with others in the church, it’s more for my perceived necessity for a social group as opposed to an attempt to really be a part of the community. Not only am I not involved in any sort of ministry, if one were to fall into my lap I would turn away from it because I have little physical, mental, or spiritual energy to focus on anything other than my own situation and life. This is not what God’s called for me in my life. This is not what my spiritual life and ministry outlook are supposed to be. If I can honestly say that this job is the primary cause to such a selfish and dysfunctional approach to my spiritual life, then I should not continue on in such a thing. However, there’s the flip side to such an avenue of thought. If I simply stop, step outside of my own selfishness long enough to look at things in a broader perspective I remember that the situation I find myself in is an extremely blessed one. I am in a job that is paying me very well; much more that I really need, in fact. I don’t worry about paying bills or buying food or putting gas in my car. I have most of my evenings and weekends free to do whatever I want. My boss is a wonderful Christian man who cares very much about me. My apartment is nice, my roommate is very good, my family is supportive, etc. etc. How many people would give up a lot to find themselves in such a situation. Certainly I am being to selfish and narrow minded to appreciated all the blessings that are present in my life currently and the idea that I am going to let the amout of fulfillment in my job to dictate such a high level of discontent in the rest of my life is foolish and ridiculous. Certainly God would see any attempt to change jobs so soon would be a slap in the face or a rejection of the blessings he’s given me. After all, where’s the perseverance in the midst of trails? Where’s the faith that I’m supposed to be living with daily?

And so I go back and forth. Stick the job out for a year, or change after 6 months. For the past month, it’s been ‘stick out the year’. At the end of this weekend, it’s ‘change at 6 months’. Who knows what it will be like tomorrow. I continue to pray, as I have ceaselessly for the past 3 months, that God would somehow clear up the muddy water in my thinking. I want my life to be one that is glorifying to Him. I want to make choices that honour the blessings he’s bestowed upon me in my life. Easier said than done. Any advice?