O Captain! My Captain!

Katie Rousopoulos

2009-10-06T18:55:00.001-04:00

I met Katie Rousopoulos for the first time at Joe’s Montana Grill in Indianapolis. I was sitting there eating dinner with my sister, who’d come down to Indy to visit me for a weekend. She saw her friend Katie and her family sitting close to us and called her over when they got up to leave. We were introduced and I remember thinking that she was a strong, outgoing person. The following year, as I returned to Taylor as an assistant Residence Director, I got to know Katie much better. She was a senior, but was asked to be a part of the professional staff due to her tremendous maturity and capability as an RA the year before. We then spent the following two years as members of the same cohort of MAHE students.

Katie’s the kind of friend everyone needs because she’s the kind of person who will not let your friendship be one sided. For as long as I’ve known her, I’ve always seen her working to contribute to others in some way, shape, or form. For me, it’s been TONS of encouraging words. And that’s been good for me because I’m not one to necessarily take compliments very well. I usually try to avoid those sorts of situations, but she’s been so consistent in it that I’ve found myself much more open to accepting her compliments. Obviously, that’s a great way to make a person feel cared about.

Another important part about Katie is that she is Greek. I know, with a last name like Rousopoulos, that’s probably not all that surprising. Katie shares and celebrates her ethnic heritage more than any of my other friends. Two main avenues for this sharing are cooking and story telling. Whether she’s cooking or someone else is cooking, she always finds a way to share something about Greek culture through food. So Fun! Katie’s story about her family in the states and family who live in Greece are hilarious. I enjoy the subtle way that she can interject her cross-cultural experiences into conversations to add humor on the surface, but also to remind us that the way things work around me here are not necessarily the only way for things to work.

On that note, it is important to note that Katie is a world traveler. She’s obviously been to Greece, but also has spent time around Europe and China. She certainly has a passion for cross-cultural experience and how that can contribute to growth and maturity. I think her experiences abroad have fostered, in her, an authentic desire to understand others. Whether someone is older or younger, from a different cultural or social background, holds different opinions or the same, Katie genuinely wants to understand the people she’s around and what makes them different (though I am sure she’d describe us as unique; not different). What a joy it is to have a friend who I am so confident wants to know me. God Bless you Katie!

Ben Taylor

2009-10-05T20:13:00.001-04:00

Ben Taylor is a good friend of not many years. I’ve known of Ben since my junior year of college. He lived in Morris Hall my last two years. He also led worship often in chapel. So, like many of the Taylor population, I was aware of him vaguely. However, it wasn’t really until the spring of my first year as an assistant hall director that we began to know one another personally. He was hired as one of the male PA’s for the CRAM program, of which, I was the hall director. In the three weeks of CRAM we forged a the foundations of a friendship that, though it lacks in longevity, has developed a depth and a comfort level that cannot be mistaken as anything but authentic friendship.

I would describe Ben as saying that he is equal parts theologian and goofball. This combination makes for a good friend, but also for an excellent resident director, which is his profession of the moment. Students love him because he transitions back and forth between these two parts almost effortlessly in a way that asks them to follow along. To which, I’ve seen many all to happy to oblige. And who can blame them? How many people do you know that you would consider a deep thinker? Now, of those, are there any who you would say don’t take themselves too seriously? Exactly. That’s what makes Ben such a magnetic personality.

My friendship with Ben has been characterized by arguing and laughing; challenging and supporting. Discussing things with him is refreshing, because he’s not put off by my analytical/rational thoughts. In the few years of our friendship, he’s picked me up and pulled out of one of the lowest points in my life. I think that our conversations and interactions have contributed to a higher level self-awareness. I give him a hard time about being the most ‘inclusive’ person that I’ve ever met. I’m convinced that there is not a person in this world that, if within his physical proximity when he’s about ready to go do something, he would not feel obliged to invite to come along with him. Even though I give him a hard time for it, I’ve gotten to know some wonderful people as a result of those sorts of situations.

It is ridiculous that I’ve gotten this far without mentioning that Ben Taylor is a musician, and I’m not talking about some high school punk rocker or college aged emo kid. Ben Taylor is legitimately, a musician. His affinity for music is contagious. Whether listening, playing, singing, or writing music, Ben embodies this artistic expression in a way that I can only dream about. I am instantly excited when I get a new song recommendation from him, which I, without questions, immediately buy off of iTunes. Ben went on a Farewell concert tour last spring, but I’m hoping that the band will get back together and start doing some shows around here one of these days. I mean, there’s only about a million coffee shops around here… Let's make it happen Ben.

Friends Profiles

2009-09-25T18:57:00.002-04:00

In the weeks to come, I'm going to be having quite a few visitors. I'm very excited about seeing some old friends in the near future. Thus, in my time either preparing for their arrival or basking in the glow of good time recently spent with them, I think I'll write a blog post about each. This weekend Ben & Katie are coming to visit. Sometime in the following two weeks I plan on getting together with the Shorbs (they don't know this yet, but I'll let them know soon enough). I'm hoping that my dad comes to visit me for a long weekend thereafter. There's a big Fall Break road trip from Indiana out here to PA which will include, among others, Polly, Tower, and Missy. Finally, I am working on getting Barnett out here sometime in early November. So, let the friend profile posts begin.

Church 'shopping'

2009-09-24T00:11:00.001-04:00

One of the few frustrating things in my life right now is finding a church to attend, often referred to as 'Church shopping'. I can't stand the term mostly because it alludes to a terribly consumeristic approach to church. Just like at the mall, we look for a church with a trendy pastor or where all the cool Christians are going or with a hip website. We can stop by, peruse the isles to see what they're selling and if it fits your style. If so, you can casually associate yourself enough to be cool too. If not, then you can peace out and look for somewhere else. No commitment necessary. Now, I know this could just be semantics. But I can't help but feel like I am doing exactly this. It's extremely frustrating!

At the root of the problem is that I simply cannot figure out what I'm supposed to be looking for. I think before I moved out here I felt confident about what I was looking for in a church. But now, I would be hard pressed to feel confident about any answer I would try to give you. Am I supposed to look for authentic worship? Expository preaching? a thriving congregation? a bunch of people my age? an active community? a comfortable environment? a focus on evangelism? missions? social justice? a place where I feel welcomed? challenged? encouraged? supported? a place where i can use my gifts? where my gifts are needed? Someone tell me just what it is that I'm supposed to be making my church decision on? I think the thing I’ve been looking for the most is preaching that is challenging and full of conviction. Whether this is right or wrong, I don’t know, but what I’m sure about is that none of the teaching I’ve sat under while I’ve been here has been anywhere near what I would call full of conviction. It’s made me wonder whether I should lower my expectations for fear that I’ll look forever without finding it.

At the end of the day, I’m confident that the pastors I’ve heard are disciples of Jesus, that the worship has been an honest offering to God, and that the congregations are likely full of followers of Jesus. Who knows, whether the week I attended each church was actually representative of what the church is or not. Maybe I’ve had a poor approach to my church attendance, which may have affected my ability to feel drawn to that particular body of believers. In no way am I trying to exact any judgment on any of the churches I’ve visited. I’m critiquing to whole process by which I’ve gone about all of this. I’m pretty sure I’ve gone about it all wrong, which is discouraging. Even more discouraging is the sense that if that’s true, then I’ve wasted about 2 months of Sundays trying to find a Church to plant myself in. And I’ve got no idea how I should go about doing things differently.

The times they are a Changin'

2009-09-22T20:36:00.003-04:00

I graduated.... again. I now hold a Masters Degree in Higher Education. I realized just a few weeks ago that this makes me sound far more educated than I feel I am most of the time. All in all, I am content with how I ended things at Taylor. Spent a lot of quality time with quality people. Made a lot of intentional effort to put words to thoughts and feelings for people who've said and done so much for me. To tell the truth, I'm pretty pleased with myself for this. I think I would have expected to have foregone that sort of thing in the past, leading to regret and frustration later. But, hey, I guess I'm learning.

CRAM came and went for the 3rd year. This was a particularly challenging year, as human depravity and unbridled selfishness made themselves more clearly felt than in previous years. Though, learning happend. Students were challenged. And growth occured. Also, I made a bon fire out of my couch. Yes, finally (RIP), my mother can sleep more peacefully at night knowing that her baby boy is not being somehow infringed upon by her old sectional couch.

While at CRAM, I also got a job. From the end of school to CRAM I actually ended up being called in to 3 interviews. I went out to William Jessup in California, Indiana Wesleyan, 15 minutes down the road, and Eastern University, in Philadelphia, PA, which is where I am writing this post from. Never before have I experienced God's great providence at work so personally in my life than through this job search experience.

So, I packed up my crap into a U-haul on July 7th and drove the 11 hours out here with my parents to drop everything off, then jump back in the car and drive home so that I could attend Phil's wedding in Indy a few days later. That's right!!! PHIL GOT MARRIED! It was quite an experience and I'm so glad that I was able to push off the start date for my new job until after the wedding. There were lots of memories flooding my head as I sat through the wedding rehersal and the rehersal dinner. Phil is someone who will always hold a special place in my heart and it was great to see him so happy. At a time in my life when I get a front row seat to lots of guys getting married whom I'm incredibly skeptical about, Phil is a man whom I know will love his wife for the rest of his life in as close a fashion I can think of to how Jesus loves us all of our days. So, I shipped out to Philly directly after the reception. Needless to say, there were a few tears in my eyes.

And now here I am, sitting at the front desk of my building, Eagle Hall. We're the newest building on campus, which is nice. I've got 170 students. 2 floors of women and 1 floor of men. 8 RA's who have been another one of God's great blessings in my life recently. More about them later, I'm sure. Now, I'm gonna call it to a close so that I can go play ping pong with Zach, one of my RA's.

'bumps in the road'

2009-05-17T15:58:00.001-04:00

Certainly Abraham was not expecting that God would command him to make a burnt offering of his son, Isaac (Genesis 22). I doubt that Joseph expected that, when he ran out to find his brothers that they would throw him into a cistern and then sell him into slavery (Genesis 37). Don’t you think that Moses was pretty surprised when he returned from Mt. Sinai, having spent time in the presence of Yahweh, to see that his people had created an idol to worship (Exodus 32)? We know that Job had no reason to believe that his life was about to be put to a supernatural test (Job 2). Or Shadrach, Meshach, & Abednego, did they see a fiery furnace in the cards for them (Daniel 3). Hosea must have been caught off guard when God directed him to love his adulterous wife again (Hosea 3). Habakkuk the prophet is exasperated by the idea that God would allow a godless people such as the Babylonians to decimate the Israelites, God’s chosen people (Habakkuk 1). The people of Israel were expecting a political revolutionary as a messiah, not the baby of a carpenter (Luke 2). Certainly this was a bit of a fiasco; a bump in the road you might say.
Here’s the thing about these accounts in the Bible, we see them all playing out well in the end for the characters involved and for the glory of God in the end. However, this is not the case for these people in the moments following their trials. Moses didn’t know that his potential sacrifice of his son Isaac was a prelude to Jesus’ death on the cross. The three still go tossed into the furnace. The Babylonians captured the Israelites. I doubt there was much consolation or perspective on a greater purpose for those that died in Babylonian captivity. We read that the disciples were out of sorts as to what to make of Jesus’ death. We have the luxury of looking at these individuals’ circumstances, not only of their whole lives, but as they fit into the entire narrative of God reconciling humanity to Himself.
And so it is with our lives. We have certain ideas and expectations about how it will all play out, probably not to the smallest detail, but definitely broader themes. Generally, we have life aspirations that, we hope, attach us to God’s greater plan for reconciliation. However, these are likely on our terms. They incorporate a measure of our own confidence, comfort, and choice. What then, are we to do when the unexpected happens? When God’s plan for how my life will attribute to His great plan? Maybe I thought I would be married. Maybe I thought I would find a certain kind of job. Perhaps I was expecting that I would live a life of sufficient financial means. When these things don’t go as we’d planned, it is easy to feel that God has somehow forgotten us and that our lives are careening off the tracks. And maybe they are (Romans 9:22-23)! But let us not forget that our lives, too, fit into a much bigger narrative than what we can see or understand. And the ‘bumps’ in the lives of believers in Jesus are likely the things that define us as His.
What then should be our mode of operation? Hebrews 11 recounts many saints in Christian history who were so because of their faith in God. The chapter ends with this. ‘These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.’ Let this not be a trite offering of ‘just have more faith’ to any who are experiencing the unexpected. Rather, may it be a call to remember that your life is glorifying to God in as much as it fits into the entire narrative of God reconciling humanity to Himself. In that sense, may all of us encountering life’s unexpected bumps respond by anticipating nothing more than God’s will be done with our lives.

2009-04-16T09:18:00.001-04:00

'Jesus comes to us in skin. He looks like your neighbor.'
-Dr. David Allen
Taylor University chapel speaker

Lent

2009-04-11T13:53:00.001-04:00

For the first time in my life I’ve observed the Lent season. Neither my family nor my home church, while I was growing up, has ever observed the Church calendar aside from Christmas Eve/Day and Easter Sunday. I don’t fault them for not exposing me to this, though I think the evangelical church could stand to incorporate more liturgy into its faith practice. Lent is a season of 40 days preceding Easter Sunday which focus on fasting and penance, usually in three areas: prayer, fasting, and almsgiving. Today, a common approach is to give up a vice, add something that will draw one closer to God, and to give charitably.

Six weeks ago, the Sunday before Ash Wednesday, Ben, Caleb and I were studying together when conversation began about Lent. We all shared that we had minimal knowledge of it and had never observed it. So, after a little research, we decided, at approximately 11:50pm Tuesday night that together we would do it. We’ve abstained from caffeinated beverages and we’ve committed to reading through the four gospels during Lent.

No Coffee for YOU! ‘If it doesn’t cost you anything in the beginning, what’s it going to be worth to you in the end?’ Many students have heard me challenge them with this mantra, usually when they’re thinking of chickening out of asking a girl or boy to go on a date with them or something of that nature. However, as we were thinking about what to give up, this mantra came to mind. I am not addicted to coffee. Let’s just say there’s nothing on the menu that will satisfy me quite like a cup of black coffee. I have worked at a coffee shop for the better part of 9 years. So, it’s a highly integrated part of my life. Call that what you want.
Giving it up has been very challenging. One of the most challenging has been all of the comments and strange looks I’ve gotten from people when I either don’t order a coffee, or turn one down when it’s offered to me. People have come to expect certain patterns in my behavior. Certainly this is not bad, but I think I’ve realized just what a creature of habit I am. Another obvious challenge has been the cravings, though not in the form of headaches or the shakes that come from caffeine withdrawal. Rather, there are two circumstances which I’ve craved coffee the most.
First, has been when I’ve not gotten much sleep and I think I need help to stay alert. Just writing that makes me cringe at the unhealthiness of such a thing. I’m not saying it’s wrong to have a cup in the morning or late at night to help you that way, but when it becomes the primary vehicle for such things, then I don’t think you’re treating your body as a temple… at least, I don’t think I am.
Second, has been when I’m sitting down to talk with someone personally. A social lubricant, it is not. However, I have been surprised at how uncomfortable I’ve been sitting down with students or friends without a cup of coffee. Maybe it’s an environmental thing. Maybe it’s a security blanket. Maybe it’s something else. I don’t know. It concerns me that there are things I feel I ‘need’ to have in order to comfortably talk with others. So many of those conversations with others are framed in the context of openly and honestly sharing my life with them. Though having a cup of coffee during that process is not impeding my ability to be authentic with others, I wince at the idea that in some small way I may need to have my ‘armor’ with me.

The Gospel: ‘Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out His hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”’ – Matthew 14:29-31
In reading the Gospels again, I’ve felt I’ve looked upon Jesus’ parables, especially, with fresh eyes. Parables can stand alone and are good for teaching. Reading through them all in such proximity, for me, has been an opportunity to consider that the message in each fit together so succinctly. It has also been especially challenging to consider each of these without Bible study notes, or specific points to grab out of the passages. Reading through the Gospels in a sermon or a Sunday school class can be a dangerous thing for me, as I’ve read through them many times and have herd many speakers pull specific points out of parables. It’s very easy for me to come across something like the passage about the wise and foolish builders and think: Wise guy believes in God = sturdy house, Fool doesn’t believe in God = flimsy house. I.e.: Let’s be sure we believe in God. But in that process, I’m not reading critically enough to catch that this is not at all about belief. It’s about an appropriate response to belief; application and actions. I pray that this experience will only reinforce my desire for contextual reading from the Bible.

Resurrection Sundays: The Sundays during Lent do not count as part of the 40 days, because they are observed as ‘mini’ Easter celebrations. During these Sundays, we broke our fast and had coffee. I think one of the most significant experiences during Lent has been living in anticipation. Anticipating coffee, yes, but understanding that the coffee hasn’t been the focal point. Breaking my fast in order to celebrate Jesus’ resurrection and victory over sin and death has made this a season of observation; not just a day. In this sense, I’ve focused more on Jesus death and resurrection more personally than ever before. Though it may seem coincidental, this last 40 days have been marked with a somber melancholy for me. There have been many long days and difficult conversations along with challenging mental and emotional processing that I’ve experienced due to various happenings in my recently. In a way, I don’t think that there could have been a more appropriate time to experience some of these things, because it has not been difficult to look past them at that which should really take precedent over all the circumstances of my life: that God loves me enough, even in my absolute depravity, to become a man and be put to death by His own creation as a sacrificial act in order to justify and then sanctify me so that I may be able to be reconciled to Him forever. In comparison to the constant reminder of such perfect love, I’ve been able to traverse the last 40 days of my life with significantly less despair, as the hope and celebration of Jesus’ resurrection loom just ahead. He is risen! He is risen indeed!

The Stations of the Cross: Yesterday I participated in the Stations of the Cross. This is a liturgical practice that involves prayer and meditation on a sort of ‘pilgrimage’ to 14 locations from Jesus being sentenced to death to being laid in the tomb. Each station is supplemented by scripture reading, prayer, and meditation. This was a very good experience. I think that I left with a very real sense that this Lent season experientially brought everything together. I want to live reverently in response to Jesus sacrifice. I want to be a disciplined person. I want to live expectantly.
Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.” –Matthew 16:24-25
Jesus death is a very personal gift for me. It is the only perfect love that I will experience in this life and without it I am simply skin and bones taking up space for a few fleeting days in this existentially pointless world. In light of this, I was all the more compelled to recite at each station, yesterday with the congregation, ‘We adore you, O Christ, and we bless you because by your holy cross you have redeemed the world.’

And so I’m anticipating Resurrection Sunday tomorrow. I look forward to celebration, once again, that which is the source of all hope and confidence in this life. This experience has been so beneficial. If I had to sum up what has been impressed on my heart the most during this time. It would be as follows:
He who falls on this stone will be broken to pieces, but he on whom it falls will be crushed. –Matthew 21:44
Discipline, sacrifice, abstinence, fasting, sorrow, humility. These things are all worthy pursuits because of the opportunities that they lend to being ‘broken to pieces on the stone’ that is Jesus Christ and the Word of the Lord. I want these things to be a part of my life not because they make me strong or because they make me wise, or they make me pious. Rather, by continuing to do these things, I hope to be continually broken toward refinement, but not crushed under the weight of the Holiness of God.

Clara & Carter

2009-04-09T14:41:00.003-04:00

Thesis defended successfully. BOOYEAH! Wow....

I just got back from babysitting Clara and Carter for an hour with Katie. I LOVE those kids! We spent most of the time walking back and forthbetween the bedroom and the living room cooking play dough pie. I couldn't begin to describe what is so beautiful about the Graham kids, but they are. Time interacting with them is almost immediately refreshing and renewing. Praise the Lord for children, but thank Him especially for Clara and Carter. One of the things on my frisbee list (things to do before I'm outta here...) is to spend an afternoon painting canvases with Clara. Certainly this will be a blast, but it's also secretly my major decorating idea for my apartment next year...

...how it was as close to art as art itself...

2009-04-05T21:48:00.003-04:00

Nate, much more a lover of poetry than of baseball, though, a good friend, so he knows of my baseball obsession, sent me this poem that he taught his 5th grade class last week. I'm posting it here, especially for all of you scoffers and naysayers who attempt to rebuff my love for baseball. Maybe this will encourage you to come around and see the beauty you're missing. (Thanks Nate)

Tagging the Stealer
to David Cavanagh

So much of it I hadn't a bull's notion of
and like the usual ignoramus who casts his eyes
at, say, a Jackson Pollock or ‘This Is Just to Say’,
I scoffed at it. I didn't twig how it was as close
to art as art itself with its pre-game ballyhoo,
antics, rhubarbs, scheming, luck; its look
as if little or nothing is going on.
How often have we waited for the magicin
the hands of some flipper throwing a slider,
sinker, jug-handle, submarine, knuckle or screwball?
If we're lucky, the slugger hits a daisy cutter
with a choke-up or connects with a Baltimore chop
and a ball hawk catches a can of corn
with a basket catch and the ball rounds the horn.
Oh, look, Davo, how I'm sent sailing
right out of the ball park just by its lingo.
But I swear the most memorable play I witnessed
was with you on our highstools in the Daily Planet
as we slugged our Saturday night elixirs.
The Yankees were playing your Toronto Blue Jays.
They were tied at the top of the 9th.
I can't now for the life of me remember
who won, nor the name of the catcher, except
he was an unknown, yet no rookie.
Suddenly behind the pinch hitter's back he signalled
the pitcher, though no one copped until seconds later
as the catcher fireballed the potato to the first baseman,
tagging the stealer. It doesn't sound like much,
but everyone stood up round the house Ruth built
like hairs on the back of the neck, because the magic
was scary too. Jesus, give each of us just once
a poem the equal of that unknown man's talking hand.
- Greg Delanty

101 and done

2009-04-04T16:01:00.004-04:00

Tomorrow is opening day! Woohoo! Actually... it's opening night, as major league baseball has begun to impliment this crappy idea of having the first game of the season occur in the evening, so that ESPN can cover it without competition from local market broadcasts. Meanwhile, the real opening day is on Monday, when all the other teams begin their seasons. Though I'm not a fan of the night-before opening day game, it's much better than baseball's previous opening day strategy of having two teams play their opening series in Japan so that the game airs at 4am. So, Tomorrow night is the Phillies @ the Braves. More importantly, the Cubs open their season at 6:05pm at the Astros. 101 and done. I'm calling it here (Not that I haven' called for the same thing for the past 26 years, but whatever).

Last night a group of us were playing 'hot seat' on the drive back from Ft. Wayne. It consists of one person asking another person to choose quickly between two words without any explanation. Open interpretation. Today, when I was at the Box eating lunch he gave me another 'hot seat' question that I'm stumped on. Baseball or Music. WOW! I keep trying to figure out how to read into it so that I can pick one over the other, but it's just not happening. I mean music is this amazing art that has the capacity to enhance any situation or circumstance at anytime. Baseball is this pure, beautiful, nostalgic passion in my life. Music is good for anytime but is always changing. Baseball never changes but comes and goes with the seasons of the year. How can I choose? I will end with a short caveat for you(check the definition): Ben Taylor's questions are often nothing but a bunch of thological,philisophical, and metaphysical poppycock.

Thesis done = back on the blog

2009-03-31T01:03:00.002-04:00

I've spent the day making lots of lists for myself. One of which is all of the blog posts that i would have made over the past 2 months, had I not been burried in thesis work, class work, PA hiring, and job applications. So, the following is what will come (not in cronological order) over the next few days as I have time (and I DO have some time now... booyeah!).

-Finished Thesis
-SB in the Smokies
-Phil's engaged
-Baseball season starts Sunday
-Saying Goodbye
-Lessons from Lent
-The Gospels
-Acknowledgements
-The job hunt
-Life Chapters

Bon Voyage

2009-01-05T18:55:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow morning @ 9am, my Lighthouse team departs for the Czech Republic for the month. WOW! I'm a little nervous and a lot excited. We're ready to go & I'm confident that the Lord has prepared our way. I'll have minimal Internet while there, so see you in February, hopefully with a lot to write about.

Good break.

2009-01-01T22:22:00.000-05:00

2009 was brought in with my family playing a round of golf on the Wii (I'm significantly better on the Wii than in real life). Not exactly partying like it's 1999, but hey, we can't all be as cool as Prince. The last three weeks have been very refreshing. I'm heading back to Taylor for the last few days of preparations before I head to the Czech Republic. During this Christmas break I accomplished most of the things I wanted to do most.

1: Complete data entry for my thesis... BOOYEAH! got it done yesterday.
2: Head into Lighthouse as fully rested as possible
3: Spend time with my family
4: Think & Write
5: Thank my friends
6: Keep the work out thing going

T-minus 5 days and you can just call me the international man of mystery (or something else if you'd like).

Klutz

2008-12-29T18:17:00.002-05:00

I knocked a glass of water over on my laptop this afternoon. A few seconds later the screen went black. Perfect. I took it as far apart as I was comfortable and commandeered my mom's hair dryer for a while. After it was dry I put it all back together, plugged it in and pushed the power button. Nothing. More perfect. It's now sitting upside down over a vent for the next few days. Lets just say I'm not optimistic.

Me & Relationships (a honest venture)

2008-12-23T16:12:00.003-05:00

My strengths in relationship:
-Committed: Relationship are as perfect as people are. That is to say, people are a mess of imperfections and mistakes, so I expect relationships to be as well. It takes significant troubles and difficulties across significant amounts of time for me to consider a relationship unable to work. I’ll not bow out quickly.
-Service: I think that the love language that I communicate most frequently is ‘acts of service’. I am always looking for opportunities to serve other people, and this is especially true for those most special to me. I’ll often inconvenience myself for the convenience of someone else.
-Listener: I think this is one of the best avenues for me to know and understand someone else. I want to hear about the mundane, everyday stuff just as much as I want to hear about the big, deep stuff that’s building or the hard, heavy baggage you’re carrying. I’m not just being polite; I genuinely want to know and genuinely want to understand.
-Feminist: There are a lot of ideas about what that word means. In this sense, I’m simply communicating that I have a very egalitarian perspective to women and men. This is true, also in the context of relationships. I’m not going to make any decisions for you. I’m also not going to expect you to bend to my will or desires. Your thoughts and opinions about you, me, and life can be just as valid in my mind as mine are. No (or at the least, a few that I’m not aware of) gender roles here. On second thought, maybe you think this is a weakness… whatever.
My weaknesses in relationship:
-Can’t verbalize my feelings on the spot: I interact with the world around me through my thoughts first, not my feelings. This is not to say that I consider thoughts supreme to feelings. That is simply not the way I’ve been shaped. Though I think I’ve worked very intentionally for the past 8 years to develop my emotional self more intentionally, it’s still not the filter with which I operate under. Thus, when things affect me deeply on an emotional level, it’s very difficult to put those feelings to words. It’s not to say that I don’t want to communicate them. It’s not because I don’t have feelings. It’s that I don’t know how to. It takes me quite a bit of time.
-I always want someone else to choose small stuff: This may not be a huge deal. I think it’s probably something that gets very annoying over time. Where should we go for dinner? What should we do for the next hour? Which directions should we take to get there? I don’t care. You pick. There will certainly be times when I’ll have preferences and opinions, but most of the time I simply don’t care and wish someone else would choose. Sometimes I think this is my attempt to submit myself to another person’s will more intentionally. I’ll share my preference if I have one, believe me. But believe me if I don’t have one, and PLEASE just CHOOSE!
-I’m not creative: Whether that’s coming up with a great date activity or the perfect present to show how much I care, I am not creative. I’m highly left brained. I can’t do art or music. I am simply not creative. This means that you’ll likely get tired of my ideas and probably disappointed by my lack of spontaneity. I’m an organized, routine oriented person. Sorry. This is not to say that I can’t do creative things. It just means I can’t come up with them on my own. I’m excited to participate in these things. It’s just hard for me to think of them.
-I don’t cry: Again, maybe a function of an underdeveloped emotional self. Maybe something else entirely. But there are very few times that I’ve cried. I promise this is not my attempt to be super masculine. There are many times that I’ve wished that I could cry. I suspect that there is something less than healthy at work here somewhere. I’m not totally uncomfortable with tears and I don’t look down on those who cry in front of me. Often, I’m envious. Because this isn’t a regular function of my own life, I’ll need your help so that I can understand what that’s communicating for you and how you would like me to respond. I’m sorry, I just don’t cry much.
-Time alone/apart is necessary for me: I think that ‘quality time’ is the love language that is best communicated to me. Nothing tells me that someone cares about me more than their willingness to spend time with me. I used to think that there was a bottomless pit of desire for time together in me. I’ve since realized that this is not true. In fact, everyone needs time apart and time alone; even from the people that mean the most to you. So, it is true with me. This doesn’t seem like a big deal until it gets applied to lives that are frenetically busy. If I’ve not gotten to spend time alone or time apart with my friends, our time together will begin to communicate less ‘love’ than it previously did. Don’t mistake this as my preface to justifying my neglect of our relationship for my own selfish ends because I can’t handle the responsibilities or requirements of a healthy, functioning relationship. I’m aware that a real relationship often requires time that I wouldn’t otherwise volunteer. But I also will need time apart and alone periodically.
-Big groups of new people: I’m sorry, but big groups of people I barely know or don’t know at all are very uncomfortable places for me. This is a terrible medium for me to feel like I’m getting to know people. When presented with such a setting, I’ll gravitate toward a corner to lean up against and try my best to go unnoticed. I’m aware that this can be very frustrating and may seem childish. But, again, being honest about myself, there’s something about this setting that is almost paralyzing to me. You’ll likely not change this about me. I’ve tried for years. Sorry.
Things I know I want:
-A teammate, someone w/ like desires: I think my desired vocation, higher education, is an all-or-nothing sort of endeavor. This is especially true for a live-in, residential position that I’ll take for the next 3 to 5 years. This vocation is significant to me because I perceive the work to be significant and filled with valuable pursuits. It is valuable because it’s working with 18-22 year old students who are in the process of evaluating and processing themselves in their world, autonomously for the first time. The opportunity to shape these lives for good is a privilege. It’s also terribly consuming in terms of time and emotions. If a significant other is not like-minded about these pursuits, that relationship will likely be strained to a breaking-point. I don’t want to convince someone that this job is worthwhile. I want someone who is excited at the opportunity to affect students in this way as well. I want someone whom I respect to be able to share their lives well, right along with me. You don’t need to be a hall director. You don’t even need to want to ‘work’ at a college. But at the least, you’ve got to desire that I work there. I also hope that you desire, even a little bit, to care for those students and desire their growth as well.
-A question asker/conversationalist: Since leaving for college, one of the things people have told me about myself the most is that I’m a good conversationalist. I hope it’s true. I love to talk with people, especially one-on-one. I think that I can carry the conversation of a relationship for a good long time. However, like so many things in relationships, if this isn’t able to be reciprocated to a certain level, then it will be difficult for the relationship to retain any of its initial enjoyment of company and conversation. I want you to ask me good questions too!
-to be with others while with each other: I’ve got GREAT friends. I know you’d like them too. I’m sure you’ve got some great friends as well. It would be so much fun to get to know them too. If you know my friends, then you’ll know more about me. If you watch how I act around my friends, you’ll know more of me as well. Those who think they know a significant other, without finding out how they are around their friends, is a fool. In order to avoid this, our time cannot simply be ‘one-on-one’. Again, ‘quality time’ is still my biggest love language, and that takes place one-on-one. But In order for me to think that you really want to be a part of my WHOLE life, and vice-versa, you’ve got to be ok being around the others that make of my whole life. This is likely not a huge deal early in a relationship. However, I still want those friendships in my life. It’s very difficult to maintain those if you aren’t interested in spending some of ‘our’ time with them. Things can turn very adversarial very quickly and that’s not going to lead to a good place relationally. My friends and family are great people, I promise! I think you’re great too, so there’s a good chance you’ll enjoy each other if you give them a chance.
-Spiritual maturity: I’m not putting myself on a pedestal. I’m not telling you that you’ve got to have a terminal degree in Theology. I’m simply saying that I’ve grown up my whole life in the Church. I’ve spent the last 15 years honestly trying to pursue a closer relationship with Jesus Christ through studying the Bible, attending Church, prayer, and discourse. I don’t have all the answers. I don’t have everything figured out. But I’ve got some background. A healthy spiritual relationship can be tenuous as it is. I want to feel confident that you’ll respect my ideas and understandings as much as you’ll challenge them. I want to be able to do the same for your ideas.
-Someone to laugh with: On my own, I am a pretty serious and intense person. On my own, I don’t laugh as much as I should. I want to laugh more. I want to be light hearted. I think I just need more help doing that than others.
-Someone who wants to know me deeply: This likely goes back to the desire for a good conversationalist. In the same way that I hope that I communicate that you are special by wanting to know so much of you that I’ll ask you lots of questions about your life, thoughts, opinions, and ideas; so will I feel that way if you ask me about myself in those ways too.
Things I know I don’t want:
-Don’t want to date for 3 years: I don’t think that this is the case for everyone everywhere, but for me, it’s where I’m at right now. I’m 26 years old. I’ve had several substantial relationships in my life up to this point. I (maybe arrogantly) consider myself a relatively self-aware individual. I don’t think I need that long to know someone well enough to be confident to make a decision one way or the other about ‘us’. If after a significant amount of time, if that’s still a question I can’t answer, then I’m going to take that as the answer itself. I don’t think it should take that long for me to decide. At this point I think I’m pretty honest about myself in the context of relationship (probably part of the reason for writing this post in the first place). Relationships, to me at this point, are likely going to be more about letting someone else have an honest look at me and vice-versa. I’m not going to try to convince you I’m someone I’m not. I’ve got shortcomings. I’ve got good stuff as well. If, after seeing all those things together, you think that’s alright… then good. If it’s not… Then let’s not waste our lives hoping things will change our we’ll get answers by osmosis somehow. Again, I’m not saying I can’t change or wont change. I’m just saying, I’ll be honest about who I am to you and I hope you’ll be honest with yourself about who I am as well. That may mean I’m not what you were looking for or not good enough or whatever. That’s ok. Let’s just call it what it is when we know what it is.
-Being another person’s first significant other: I’ve dated 4 girls in my life. I was the first boyfriend for all of them. There’s nothing inherently wrong about that. In fact, we all hear about stories of people marrying the only significant other they’ve ever known. I’m not discounting this as a possible reality for people. However, in my two most recent relationships it seems that some of the same hang-ups have occurred in the same places. Mostly, it’s about realistic expectations. The first relationship, if it doesn’t work out, is often where someone is able to most realistically gauge what should and should be expected. What is realistic? Especially for Christians unfortunately, we’ve all had that ‘God’s got the perfect person for you’ lie crammed down our throats (If that’s shocking for you to hear, I apologize and please ask me to explain it to you sometime before you judge me as too cynical). So, it’s reasonably difficult for someone to come to grips with the reality of how the first person you date falls far short of your expectations because, after all, they’re just a person, and not perfect at all. That happens for everyone, and it happened for me during my first relationship. However, if I’m honest with myself, hearing that I didn’t measure up to some unattainable idea of ‘the perfect person’ consistently from every girlfriend I’ve had through my young life has begun to have pretty negative affects on my perception of myself. And, to a degree (and I’m aware that this may come across as extremely arrogant), I think I’m an ok guy. Maybe I’m all wrong, but I don’t think that I’m such a bad or incomplete or immature person that I really am not a person who is worthy of marriage. And, at this point, I guess that’s why I would be very wary of dating someone who’s never dated before. At some point in my life, I think I’d like to get married. I don’t want to spend the rest of my romantic life being the wrecking ball for people’s unrealistic expectations of who they think they’ll marry. Maybe if I date someone who’s got a better perspective on what to expect, then maybe I won’t have to convince them that I’m not wrong just because I’m not perfect.

In conclusion, I write these things down knowing full well that what I ‘knew’ when I was 17, is not what I know now and I’m sure that what I ‘know’ now is not at all what I’ll know when I’m 30, or even tomorrow. Also, the ‘us’ that I refer to is anyone and no one in particular at all. I'm aware that alot of this stuff is more personal than one might consider it wise to plaster on the web for all to see. To that I remind you that this is more for me than for you. I don't expect anyone to 'do' anything about this. It's good for me to articulate these things for myself. I am who I am, and if you know about this, it's ok. That's all. Whoa, this is a lot post. Leave a comment if you read it all the way through.

Ice Storm 2008

2008-12-21T00:08:00.007-05:00

On Thursday night Warsaw was subject to ice storm 2008. It resulted in Warsaw Schools cancelling the last day of classes for the semeseter, which meant my dad got to start his Christmas break early. It also left some pretty sweet remnants. Enjoy the pictures.

'healthy'?

2008-12-16T23:51:00.000-05:00

How long does it take to move past a three year long relationship? You will give no answer because you’ll say there’s no formula and that looks different for everyone. To which I ask, slightly restate, at what point is it unhealthy to be moved past a three year long relationship? Again, you have trouble answering because you say each relationship is unique and has its own scars and its own baggage. Is it a measure of emotional stability? Are we simply talking about the passage of time? Does it mean solving the problems that caused the break downs? At what point can I confidently claim myself healthy again?

In my life, and I assume in the lives of most others, there have been experiences that took only a moment to occur that I’m still trying to understand and are likely still affecting me. Then there are also experiences that have occurred over months and years of my life, at the end of which, affect change in me instantaneously and then have held little to no bearing on the rest of my life. All the while, for both circumstances, the whole of my life has continued to move along.

So what do you or I know about healthy? Either of us could be minutes away from an unknown moment that will shake our lives or we could have something in our lives right now that is going to be the persistent prelude to a change that we never thought to have expected was occurring. Either way, these things will happen regardless of our preparedness for it; our ‘health’. Life’s not a jigsaw puzzle. We don’t deal with one thing at a time in our lives like one puzzle piece after another.

So, maybe I shouldn’t try to shut everything else off until I think I’ve put all the pieces back together. Maybe I should. What do I know?

The Post

2008-12-16T22:50:00.002-05:00

So, Saturday, on my first night back in Warsaw for Christmas break I met up with a group of friends from my graduate program who were heading to Pierceton, IN (a little town right beside Warsaw) to a little bar called ‘The Post’. Why? One girl’s uncle plays in a rock band who had a gig there that night. Hilarious. Show stared at 9:30pm and I was not terribly optimistic about what we were going to encounter. But hey, good friends + Podunk bar + old man rock band = I’m down for the experience. And, wow, did it turn out to be an experience. ‘The Post’ used to be the old post office in Pierceton, and let’s just say that upon entering the smoky room, there were more Stetson cowboy hats than I was used to seeing all in one place. Also, there was a $3 cover charge. Funny, I think that’s the same amount I pay at Taylor to go see up and coming indie bands… whatever. The most important part of this experience was the dance floor in the middle of the room. The only thing funnier than all the cowboy hats was watching all the people dancing. Funniest of all was a big cowboy with a black hat on, who I guess was probably 6’4” with a big old goatee, dancing with a woman much smaller than him. I suspect they were both in their mid to late 30’s. They stayed out on the dance floor the whole night. He sang every word of every song to her while she seemed to make minimal facial expressions. After every song he gave her an awkward hug. Best of all… …wait for it… …as the night wore on he would unbutton another button on his shirt. By the end of the night his shirt was open just above his belly with chest hair on full display, still singing the words to his dance partner in his big black cowboy hat. HAAA! My other favorite was this little guy who wasn’t a cowboy at all and seemed to be very out of place. He was in baggy jeans with a gold necklace and tennis shoes. He wore a white baseball cap tilted off to the side. He was dancing around in big circles apparently with everyone and no one all at the same time with a grin on his face. He seemed peculiarly out of place. Sara and Laura got on stage to sign with her uncle. They were rock stars for sure except I don’t think their mic was turned up. Woops. Don’t worry though, the Shorby Shuffle had to make it’s presence felt. Sorry Nate.

So, I’m about to fly halfway across the globe to the Czech Republic. It’s going to be a cultural experience. I also drive across the county line from time to time. That can be a cultural experience too. GIDDYUP! Thanks for bringing me along Sara, Laura, and Jenn.

Potential Employers

2008-12-15T01:03:00.002-05:00

Here's the current list of schools I know I'll consider applying for this spring, in no particular order.

Eastern (near Philadelphia)
Lehigh (Bethlehem, PA)
Messiah (PA)
Temple (Philadelphia)
Philadelphia Biblical
Gordon (Boston)
Emmanuel (Boston)
Belmont (Nashville)
Lipscomb (Nashville)
Lee (TN)
Union (TN)
Notre Dame
North Park (Chicago)
Trinity International (Chicago)
Calvin (MI)
Bethel (Minneapolis)

Other considerations:
Northwestern (IA)
Taylor
Butler (Indy)
Huntington
Malone (OH)
Grace College (Tracy talked about applying to be an RD, so that's how it make it on the list)
Cornerstone (MI)
Oberlin (OH)

Any other suggestions???

With Honors

2008-12-15T00:37:00.002-05:00

The final for our Spiritual Formation class was a 10 page paper on the 1994 film, With Honors. Cheesy on the surface. Less cheesy a few layers below. So, in the spirit of an 11 day span between the return from Thanksgiving break to the beginning of Christmas break that was overrun by student issues and getting owned by the cold my dad passed onto me at Thanksgiving, I pulled the last all-niter of 2008 last Monday writing this thing. I think it could have made for a cheesy movie of it's own. Mondays are always full of meetings for me, but this one had the first meetings starting at 11am and they went back to back from then until 10:45pm. At which point, of course, I gave Kyle a call and headed to The Sunshine Cafe with laptops and good intentions of getting to work in tote. The whole reason we went was because Kyle was cashing in on a deal we made for him to sit in my apartment that smelled like rotten eggs, but that's another story for another time. When we arrived at the diner the first problem we encountered was a lack of electrical outlets. Welp, guess we're not writing the whole paper here cause our computer batteries wont last that long. The second problem arrived with Missy showing up to give us some cookies. What ensued was about an hour and a half of more GREAT conversation about whatever. The third problem reared it's ugly head when she left and we realized that neither of us wanted to write this thing. So, after filling up on crappy, greasy diner food, we gave it our best effort for about an hour and then headed home around 2:15am. Class starts at 9am, so what better thing to do then call up friends at the post and work there? And, believe it or not, we did. Emily, Rody, and Sara were already at work. Kyle and I joined and got right down to business. The three girls finished and went to sleep. Kyle and I stayed up and completed Kyle's first legitimate all-niter for academic reasons (BOOYEAH!). We finished up at 7:30am with enough time to run home for a shower and change of clothes. Good friends. Good memories.

Overall, I didn't think this movie was terribly worthy of such in-depth critique. However, there was a great excerpt from Whitman.
‘You shall no longer take things at second or third hand nor look through the eyes of the dead nor feed on the specters in books. You shall not look through my eyes either nor take things from me. You shall listen to all sides and filter them from yourself.’
–Walt Whitman Song of Myself

Thesis Thanksgiving

2008-12-15T00:19:00.002-05:00

Before Thanksgiving Break my thesis data collection was administered. Every male student in a residence hall was given my survey as a supplement to the standard residence life survey. I have a response rate of about 600, which is huge. I'm very excited about this. My data set will be substantial and hopefully, that means significant when all is said and done. I collected all of the responses before I headed home for the break. My mom and I spent several hours together entering about 100 of them onto the computer. Between working with Sara during Jumping Bean shifts and afternoons at the Rusty Post (Let's be honest, I'm a poor research assistant... sorry) as well as commandeering the help of my PA staff for a few minutes after one of our meetings, I've got about 360 entered. I head into the Christmas break with 250 or so left to enter. What else could a guy want to do with 3 weeks during the Christmas season than enter data for a research thesis? ha.

Back to Thanksgiving. Dad was down for the count with a bad cold (which he passed onto me right before I left) and Tracy was working like a good poor graduate student has to. This left my mom and I to spend tons of time together during the break. It was great! I can't recall the last time that I spent that much intentional time with only my mother. We caught up on all sorts of stuff. She's been worried about me this semester, as I'm sure most mothers would in response to that sort of stuff. It was good to be able to share everything with her and give her a chance to ask questions and give her answers. So often when I call home, I talk to dad only. I forget that she's left with answers mediated to her by someone else. Though, I know she's understanding, I'm trying to do a better job of calling and talking directly to her as much as I call dad.

Since she's been retired and since I've spent more time with her without so much stress in her life, I think I'm discovering more about how we're similar. This Thanksgiving I realized that we are similar in our low-key personalities and our mutual lazze-fare approach to decisions on unimportant things. I mean, who cares what restaurant we go eat at anyway? Not mom or I. Just choose. Thank you.

Shorbs

2008-12-14T23:34:00.007-05:00

As was written about a month ago, in my previous post, I headed out to my friends, the Shorbs, in a pretty pathetic emotional state all over again. As communication was traded, things were said that threw me into a tailspin. The 20 hours of driving out to P.A. & back was alone time long overdue. It's something I'd been avoiding like the plague for about 6 weeks at that point. It's very difficult for me to go without time alone, so by this point, its fair to say that I was pretty raged. Nate & Erica took me in and through their friendship, I think God filled me up and put me back on my feet. The whole weekend was wonderful. However, I think that I would have driven the whole way out there to have our conversation Friday night only to jump back in the car and drive all the way back and counted it time well spent. I'd been in a haze for the better part of the semester up until then. Everything was reaction and fighting to be OK. In our time good questions were asked; truth was spoken; challenges leveled; and care communicated. God spoke to me through the mouths of Nate and Erica the whole weekend, but that first night's conversation especially. Thank you Lord.

The rest of the weekend was filled with college visits to Eastern and Lehigh (I think it's safe to say that the visit firmly cemented eastern PA as a top location of choice for my job search in the spring). We also made the obligatory pilgrimage to Pat's in downtown Philadelphia for cheesesteaks even in the monsoon rains. Other highlights were band practice, 3 church services, family lunch at the Shorbs (Nate's parents), and young adults Bible study.

I drove home on Monday with clarity I'd not had since August. The change in my heart and head seemed unbelievable. As things have sunk in for the past month, it's not left me. Though this was not originally my choice, I am choosing to move forward and I feel confident there is wisdom here. Hindsight is 20/20 (as Mr. Grose, my 12th grade Govt. teacher always said) and some of haziness that's begun to come into focus are important.

I left, living a life that was 'numb' and afraid to be overwhelmed. I returned with a clarity that my life can move in the direction of 'healthy'. Thank you Nate and Erica.

2008-11-13T23:13:00.000-05:00

Everything's all messed up.

Musica

2008-11-07T13:54:00.002-05:00

So, one of my Lighthouse students emailed me last night asking me what some of my favorite music of the semester has been. I responded with this and thought I should turn it into a blog post.

(Anonymous Student)-
First, let me apologize for the fact that I've just received this email while working at the Jumping Bean for the afternoon with little business and no work to do. Thus, I've got nothing but time to respond to this question I'm sure was asked, expecting a short response. So, here we go.

Let's start with individual songs thus far in the semester:
(Song Title - Artist)
Dear Prudence - The Beatles
Sissyneck - Beck
Lost! & Violet Hill - Coldplay
Medication - Damien Jurado
Dogs 0 Damien Rice
Marching Bands of Manhatten - Death Cab for Cutie
O Valencia! - The Decembrists
The Blood - The Frames
Wake me up when September Ends - Green Day
One Man Wrecking Machine & Keep It Together - Guster
Weary Memory - Iron & Wine
Wrong Turn & If I Could - Jack Johnson
New York Not My Home - Jim Croce
Gravity - John Mayer
Folsom Prison Blues - Johnny Cash
Under the Weather - KT Tunstall
Grace Kelly - MIKA
Missed the Boat - Modest Mouse
The Long Day is Over - Norah Jones
Right on Time - O.A.R.
Drunkard's Prayer - Over the Rhine
New Shoes - Paolo Nutini
Hang on Little Tomato - Pink Martini
Summer in the City - Regina Spektor
October - Rosie Thomas
English Girls Approximately & Avalanche - Ryan Adams
Those to Come - The Shins
Heart - Stars
Romulus - Sufjan Stevens
This is My Story, This is My Song - Thelonious Monk
Ball & Biscuit - The White Stripes
Either Way - Wilco
Warrior - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Albums:
(Artist - Album Title)
Anathallo - Hymns
The Beatles - White Album (Disk 1&2)
Coldplay - Viva La Vida
Damien Jurado - Ghost of David
Explosions in the Sky - The Earth is not a Cold Dead Place
Format - Interventions & Lullabies
Guster - Ganging Up On the Sun
Iron & Wine - Our Endless Numbered Days
The Killers - Hot Fuss
Miles Davis - Kind of Blue
Modest Mouse - Good News for People who Love Bad News
The Postal Service - Give Up
Regina Spektor - Begin to Hope
The Shins - Chutes too Narrow

Significant Days

2008-11-05T11:27:00.004-05:00

These days are significant. This election was significant, maybe for the political, but especially for the symbolic. I heard someone say that there hasn't been such large electoral college support for a president since Lyndon Baines Johnson in the 60's. His acceptance speech last night... ...inspiring. Our natural response to the sight of our highest elected official at a podium, in front of a microphone should not be cringing or reaching for the remote to turn down the volume. I am excited about the American President, again possessing the ability to elicit feelings of respect and thoughts of hope from those who hear his words. I think this quality exists outside of the the partisain political arena; having little to do with tax plans or government programs. Though such thoughts and feelings can be had in these areas as well, I think that an American President should be able to excell at the symbolic nature of his role, as well as the poltical one. I hope he can bring about even some of the changes he's spoken of, but at least as important to me... ...inspire me! Inspire my students! Inspire my parents about the oportunities and possibilities present in their lives at this time and in this place if we consider a paradigm shift toward serving others before ourselves, and serving together instead of on our own. In his own words, "So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism; of service and responsibility where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after not only ourselves, but each other."

There are certainly more and higher places to which I look for hope, value, significance and meaning in my life. However, for as much as an imperfect man who's authority and leadership we submit ourselves to is capable, I hope that you were inspired last night, even a little bit. And I hope that he is able call us to more unity, compassion, and selflessness through his inspiration in the months and years ahead of us.

Approval

2008-10-29T11:33:00.002-04:00

As of 10am Saturday morning my research proposal was accepted unanimously by the department. BOOYEAH! It's now moved on to be submitted to Taylor's I.R.B. for approval. I'm hoping for notification within a week.

Though parting ways with friends after college is difficult, it makes the time with these people later in life seem so good and so beneficial. Time with Phil was very good. Sushi and a new entry into the journal, of course. We met Michelle for lunch and it was fun to ask her questions and see how the two of them share the same space. I think there's something necessary about having someone in your life periodically who knows you outside of your current context and circumstance. Maybe it's the ability to step away from an expected role one plays too often, or maybe it's the weight of time that such a person's inquiry carries with it. Ultimately, I think it's simply the sincerity and depth of a friendship that persists in the face of seperate lives and different spaces. There's comfort and refuge to be taken in these relationships. Thank you Phil for a breath of fresh air.

Yesterday I turned in the last big assignment I have academically for the semester until the last week of class. Though a front loaded semester made for a hecktic last 3 weeks, especially, I'm looking forward to a schedule that I can fill up with one-on-one meetings with students. Coffee anyone?

yawn

2008-10-23T23:41:00.002-04:00

Sunday - Stayed up all night. Wrote an EXTREMELY frustrating paper for Spiritual Formation class. (Had the best conversation of the year up to this point with Caleb and Ben during the middle of the night)
Monday - 5 hours of sleep. Late PA meetings followed by a phone call that left me sleepless for quite a while.
Tuesday - 4 hours of sleep. meetings with students till late followed by 6am wake up for work @ the coffee shop the next day.
Wednesday - Stayed up all night again! Ended up rewriting my entire lit review for my thesis proposal. Good news: it was officially submitted to the department at 7am this morning.
Tonight - Falling asleep as soon as I finish this post... Ahhh sweet sweet sleep how you've been so elusive to me this week.

It's been a long time since I've done 2 all-niters in one week. I hope it's another long time before I do it again.

ruffles

2008-10-18T23:07:00.003-04:00

Amy and I talked over Skype this morning with Joanie, our Czech host. It was very encouraging to get answers to some of the questions our team's had over the past month and a half. Looks like we'll be spending most of our days in english & gym classes between elementary school through high school & even some adult learning oportunities as well. In the evenings it sounds like we'll be inviting the school kids to hang out with us at local pubs and our residence. We'll also be spending time working with gypsy communities (Roma) and childrens' homes. Evidently our first weekend in the country we'll be helping host a soccer tournament with some of the younger kids in the area. Overall, the excitement level was raised more than I thought there was room for, to be quite honest. I can't wait to share the news with our team on Monday.

This afternoon & evening Amy and I ran down to Indy to see a movie. Afterwards we were walking through an outdoor mall and she asked if we could look for a present for one of her friends who's birthday is this week. We walked in to Ann Taylor Loft and Amy sort of walked around looking for stuff. As I stood in the back of the store for a few minutes I started to look around the store. Angela liked Ann Taylor alot because they have a good petite section with clothes that are her size. I identified this section and spotted several tops that she would have looked at. Had we walked into this store together this is what would have happened. We would have walked to the petite section and begun perusing. She would have picked up this yellow short sleeved top with little ruffles down the middle and looked at it. I would have walked over and said that looked very nice and that she should get it. She would have agreed but then put it back on the rack and walked away. I would have waited until after she'd finished looking around and then picked it back up and encouraged her to get it. She would dismiss it as too expensive, to which, I would have said I wanted to buy it for her. Once I would have convinced her that I really wanted to get it to help build her work clothes wardrobe, then she would walk back to the rack, look at the shirt and then put it down and looked at several other ones behind it that looked similar, but with different colors and no ruffles. She would have picked up a brown one that was a few behind the yellow one and ask what I thought of that one. I would have told her that i thought that one was nice too. Ultimately she would decide to let me purchase the brown one for her even though she likes little ruffles alot, because she doesn't like the way that yellow looks on her (she says her skin is too pale) and she thinks brown is much safer for work.

I wanted to sit down on a stool in the shoe section and cry for knowing how specifically that would have played out.

Thank you Andrew and Amy for getting me through this weekend. Everyone comes back from Fall Break tomorrow night, and it wont be a moment too soon, I'm sure.

Lighthouse

2008-10-18T01:00:00.002-04:00

Last winter and spring I spent quite a bit of time thinking and praying and fretting about sponsoring a Lighthouse trip for this school year. I was in the throws of an extremely demanding semester and frankly, was not sure I had it in me to take on another committment. As a student, I went on a Lighthouse trip that was very formative for me. I had great leaders and a team dynamic that was very positive. It was very important for me that I would be able to commit myself to a team's preparation and development sufficiently. I think what eventually pushed me over the edge enough to make a decision was that my friend Amy Barnett found out from her supervisor that he'd let her lead a trip this year (Amy's wanted to lead a lighthouse trip for some time now, but her job's calendar isn't very conducive to taking the month of January off). Sometime in late April we found out we were going to be leading the trip to the Czech Republic. BOOYEAH!

My Lighthouse experience as a student was also to the Czech Republic, which only increased my already high level of excitement. We'll be working with the same host missionary (Joanie), that I worked with as a student. I'm very excited. Over the summer Amy and I got to select our team of 16 students. 5 guys and 11 girls. I was suprised at how few of the applicants I knew. Again, this was a process covered in prayer over a week or so. Amy and I spent several summer nights sitting in her back yard by a fire talking about plans and desires for our team, the most significant of which, was the idea that we wanted to foster the idea that God is not waiting to work in my life this January while I'm in Czech. In fact, He's at work right here; right now. It's our goal throughout the semester to pose the question 'How do you observe God at work in your life right now?' often. We've also challenged them to consider packing their bags for the month in such a way that they would be able to donate everything they bring to the missions organization except for the clothes on their back and a souvineer or two.

Since school has started, we've had team meetings every Monday night for a few hours. We also went on a 24 hr. retreat to my parents' place on the lake on weekend. Honestly, my excitement for them has grown with each interaction! Each of these students is fabulous. At the end of each meeting, after everyone leaves, Amy and both look at each other with huge smiles. They are 16 unique and engaging personalities. We're meeting one-on-one with each student throughout the semester, which has also been such a blessing. These students, individually, and this team, as a group, are special. I can already tell. They may not know how well they're going to fit together yet, but Amy and I already see it.

Amy and I went to Payne's tonight and got some coffee and talked for a while. The conversation eventually got to lighthouse and I think we must have spent a good hour to hour and a half laughing and talking about our team. We made a several predictions and lists in the same vain as yearbook 'most likely to' stuff. For instance, 'person most likely to punch a crying girl on the trip ____'. We also decided to both journal about our personal goals for each student on the team. This will be good to direct my individual time with these students.

In Lighthouse, I see maybe the most tangeable mainfestation of God's sovreignty in my life. Last spring, when I agreed to lead a trip, I was unsure about whether I had the time for this or the discipline to juggle all of my priorities correctly. I also would not have guessed how things have changed with Angela and I. I think that this group of students stands to be the direct beneficiary of that change. As I will now have more of myself to offer them personally and emotionally. I think that they will likely fill at least part of a very empty spot in my heart over the next few months. I hope that this is beneficial for all involved.

Lighthouse was a big deal for me as a student. I learned alot about the poor and marginalized, the world outside of America, the global church, culture, diversity, faith, the great commission, and loving people. None of these concepts were new to me at the time, and in fact, I would have said that I had a fairly deep understanding of several of these things before I left. But the experience shifted things for me. New perspective is so powerful and so often worthwhile. One of my most repeated prayers for these 16 students is that this experience offers that to them as well. These are things that occur outside of the details of a well delivered program. They are things that happen outside of reading a book and writing a paper about it. They are sensed and formed through the nuances and intricacies of personal experience. I hope that even in spite of Amy and I, that they are able to experience this shift. I pray that God is bringing together the perfect storm, of sorts, in their lives right now so that their experience in Czech is valuable and significant, and purposeful, and new.

I barely know most of these students at all, but I have already found them endeered to me in so many ways. God be with us in our efforts to give you glory by the way we show love to one another over the rest of this semester and while we travel to Czech.

how about orange?

2008-10-16T01:37:00.003-04:00

I think the theme of today was coming to terms with the idea that I need other people to help me. I may not like it. It may not be comfortable. I may not find it very easy. I still need to let other people help me if I hope to move through the coming weeks and months in a healthy way. And maybe that involves more overt coordination than I think is appropriate or maybe that means being ok with the fact that some people are going to let me sit and talk with them more now because they understand I need it more now than before. Humility. Perhaps I need to be ok with being a 'project' for some right now. Maybe that's not an innately wrong concept. I certainly identify students at times who I think I need to spend more time with or effort toward because of situations occuring in their lives. Why should I take offense to others approaching me in this same way?

Admittedly, It's very difficult for me to submit myself to other people in this way. Maybe it's pride or fear or insecurity or masculinity or something else. No matter what it is, I think I just need to come to terms with the fact that I'm hurting alot more than I understand right now, and I'm not big enough to handle it on my own. Even if I was, that whole mindset is incongruent with a Christian approach to relationships. If I can be there for someone else I can let someone else be there for me.

Thank the Lord for good, honest, considerate, genuine, patient, gentile friends.

To Write Love On Her Arms

2008-10-14T23:43:00.003-04:00

Tonight I attended a presentation by Jamie Tworkowski, founder of To Write Love On Her Arms. Powerful thoughts by a follower of Jesus showing God's redemptive love in ways that purposefully resist cheap labels. I pray we continue to love one another authentically, not because we're 'trying to be real', but because we genuinely see the image of God in each others lives. May God be glorified by these jars of clay. May we communicate that to one another by the ways we treat each other.

Coffee with Alex and Eric was wonderful. I felt genuinely light-hearted. I hope that I know where the two of them end up next year, and the years after. With thesis stuff at a point where it will spend the next several weeks being approved by various people around campus, that work will die down. I'm hoping to fill my schedule with one-on-ones with so many student's who I've not given attention to for the past two months.

Amy sent an email out to our lighthouse team today and accidentally copied me on it. It was about trying to frame my circumstances in a way that made sure they understood it was a big deal and that it would be nice if they went out of their way to tell me they cared about me. Though I know this was done out of sincere motives, it is very difficult to not be very frustrated by this. It's exactly one of the biggest reasons I have been so hesitant to tell people. I don't need to be a project. And I don't need special consideration, especially from my students. I mean, the last thing I want is for one of these student's I've known for a month and a half over a few hour long meetings to feel the weight of trying to step into this space of my life feeling even remotely responsible for my spiritual or emotional well-being. That's not for them. It would be one thing for one or two of them to want to extend some extra encouragement my way of their own accord, but that this sort of thing would be prompted by some more coordinated effort is difficult for me to appreciate.

And as I read this email maybe it's more evidence of an unhealthy expectation of myself. Maybe I need the community no matter the method or medium. Maybe I need anyone and everyone to take a little responsibility for my well-being considering the changes. What do I know?

hugs & vomit

2008-10-14T00:07:00.003-04:00

I stayed up late last night doing school work. I was pretty tired when I went to bed. But I ended up staying up rediculously late wondering what she's been up to these past three weeks since we last talked. I wonder how school's been for her. Has her 5th period class still been giving her trouble? Has she thought up something fun and creative for her core plus class? Is she still teaching on Romiette and Julio? I wonder if she's been staying at school late still, or if she's going home and spending more time with her apartment girls. Does she feel a little bit colder these days? I certainly do, especially on the weekends when I'm sitting on my couch alone. Does she notice the missing hugs as much as I do? I thought about that today... strange. I am craving hugs right now.

She was here during homecoming this weekend. I think that contributed to me not coming out of the apartment this weekend. That would have been really difficult. I mean, I think I'm fighting hard to hold it together right now. If I'd happened to cross paths with her accidently I may well have broken into a lot of little pieces on the spot.

I told my PA's and my Lighthouse team about the breakup tonight. It made me want to vomit again. As I was riding in the car with Amy I figured out why. Every time I tell someone else it forces me to realize that this is more real than before. As if by not telling anyone I would somehow be suspending it somewhere between reality and imagination. That's pathetic, but it also makes sense. I think my initial coping mechanism is to feel numb to everything, allowing me to feel some sense of emotional stability. However, it's causing me to be unable to be joyful or lighthearted when people around me are. Because if I let myself feel happy, then I'll also have to let myself feel devistatingly sad. Thus, by telling someone out loud about it, it overwhelms my emotional self with reality so abruptly that my body responds with a nautious feeling. I've been trying to understand this for the past 3 weeks. Maybe understanding will bring relief.

Modeled masculinity and it's effects on male college student engagement

2008-10-13T02:05:00.000-04:00

I'm taking a break from school work. Ben, Caleb and I have been working at Payne's since 6:15 this evening. Mostly working on back checking citations I've used for my thesis proposal. Let me tell you how enjoyable that is. More enjoyable than taking my first drink of soy milk from Ben's Latte something or other that he ordered. Let's just say it tastes about as good as it smells when you steam that stuff. Not good.

My thesis topic is on modeled masculinity and it's effects on male student engagement in college. I have been researching this topic for almost two years now. During my first year back at Taylor the hall director I worked with wanted to make a presentation at a national conference that our staff would be attending in the summer and challenged me to get on board because it would help me get my feet wet heading into masters study the following year. I agreed and as we considered all of the different aspects of student life that we'd delt with during the semester, the topic of male student disengagement peeked our interest and away we went.

Student engagement (almost synonymous with the term involvement) is defined as the amount of physical or psychological energy that a student puts forth into any academically positive experience. Academically positive experiences occur both inside and outside of the classroom. They include things like asking questions in class, incorporating information from an outside class into the current class, co-curricular activities like student leadership positions or student activities cabinets, service learning projects, intramurals, attending various seminars and lecture series on campus, etc. Engagement also includes less formal things like building relationships with students of a different ethnicity, socio-economic, or geo-political background than you.

That spring I conducted a small scale qualitative study of 8 students in my residence hall; 4 students I considered ‘engaged’ and 4 that I considered ‘disengaged’. The study yielded two notable findings. First, the biggest contrast was that the ‘engaged’ students had older male mentors or role models in their lives and the ‘disengaged’ students did not. Second, The ‘disengaged’ students were less able to identify unrealistic characteristics of a male TV or movie character they perceived as the traditional man.

As I’ve spent the last year or so in more formal research of the topic, I’ve decided to look specifically at how masculinity is connected to student engagement. My research on masculinity has been very intriguing. First, masculinity is predominantly a social construction (i.e. boys learn what ‘being a man’ is from observing other men in their lives as they develop). Traditional masculinity , as defined my many sociologist and psychologist, constitutes four primary focuses: competition, status, toughness, and emotional stoicism. Men who embodied these focuses were integrated into society pretty functionally 40 years ago because there was a high level of congruence with the socio-cultural expectations of men at the time. Time has changed and culture along with it. We find men and women on a much more even playing field in most aspects of life: educational, vocational, relational, marital, etc. Unfortunately, for a broad range of attributed reasons, masculinity is being constructed (modeled) with the same traditional focuses. This incongruence between the modeled traditional masculinity and the new social expectations of men are causing any number of negative side effects the broader culture. My research steps into this space to gauge it’s effects specifically on male college students’ level of engagement.

Higher education has begun to feel the disengagement of male students, especially by student development professionals (i.e. residence hall directors, student programs directors, etc.). Male students are vastly outnumbered in applying for leadership positions, attending campus events, participating in class discussions, etc. A researcher by the name of George Kuh at Indiana University has been conducting a large scale data collection through an instrument he developed call the National Survey of Student Engagement (NSSE) since 2001. A lot of schools, big and small, use this instrument because of the prevailing culture of assessment on college campuses. His research shows that male students are less engaged than women right now and they are much less engaged than they were 10 years ago. Again, this is where my research steps in by finding out if there’s any attribution to the trend. Certainly a trend this wide spread has more going on than simply not programming well enough or catering enough to the needs of college men. Male students are still entering college reporting just as high of expectations as women and as men did ten years ago, but they aren’t following through with those expectations.

In a culture of video-games, facebook, and iPhones, male students are certainly doing things with their time. Why is it that these other things are so much more appealing to them during their college years than engaging in the college experience they’re spending their money for? I’ll be looking to see if there is any correlation between their measured level of traditional masculinity and their level of engagement in college. Certainly this is not the whole answer, but I would be surprised if I found no correlation. It’s also a good start, as a student development professional, to be able to get more to the root of the issues with a student spending hours a day at a video game or checking facebook.

Regina Spektor

2008-10-11T23:21:00.003-04:00

I sat in my apartment alone doing nothing last night and I'm doing the same tonight. I told myself all week that I didn't want to do this, but here I am. I wonder why noone's called or tried to make plans with me prior to the weekend arriving, and then I remind myself that I can't remember the last weekend during the school year that I made plans with anyone other than her. And it's not like I'm running around proclaiming my vacant weekends to anyone either. I shouldn't expect others to read my mind. All in all, it's shaping up to be another very long weekend. Why can't I just pick up the phone and call around to find something to do?

Phil and Michelle came up today for Homecoming. Talking to him this afternoon for a few hours was a breath of fresh air. I'd pay alot of money right now to live the next six months or so with him in an apartment in Indy again.

I've been listening to Regina Spektor's song Summer in the City alot. I dont know if it's the forlorn way she sings the song that seems to echo how I feel inside, or something about the lyrics of the song itself.

Summer in the city
means cleavage cleavage cleavage
And I start to miss you, baby, sometimes
I've been staying up and drinking in a late night establishment
Telling strangers personal things

Summer in the city,
I'm so lonely lonely lonely
So I went to a protest just to rub up against strangers
And I did feel like coming but I also felt like crying
It doesn't seem so worth it right now

And the castrated ones stand in the corner smoking
They want to feel the bulges in their pants start to rise
At the site of a beautiful woman they feel nothing but
Anger, her skin makes them sick in the night
nauseaous, nauseaous, nauseaous

Summer in the city,
I'm so lonely lonely lonely
I've been hallucinating you, babe, at the backs of other women
And I tap on their shoulder and they turn around smiling
But there's no recognition in their eyes

Oh summer in the city
means cleavage cleavage cleavage
And don't get me wrong, dear, in general I'm doing quite fine
It's just when it's summer in the city, and you're so long gone from the city
I start to miss you, baby, sometimes
When it's summer in the city And you're so long gone from the city
I start to miss you, baby, sometimes
I start to miss you, baby, sometimes
I start to miss you, baby,

Things to talk about in future posts:
1) what to take away from the past 3 years
2) my Thesis
3) the Czech Republic
4) presidential election
5) Cubs
6) the job search
7) new music

Peers

2008-10-10T12:54:00.002-04:00

Sometimes things change abruptly and it offers a new perspective on your life. In my case... I don't know that I have any peers in my life with any regularity. There are not alot of 26 year old, unmarried, male graduate student, assistant hall directors at a small Christian campus in Indiana. Maybe this is the case with all of us if we choose to see ourselves as defined by 4 or 5 demographic labels all at once. Whatever the reason, this is what I'm thinking about this afternoon. I've got alot of things going on inside without anyone to feel totally at ease about sharing them all with and simply taking in their responses without trying to frame it in some way. Maybe this is evidence of more root issues... I have a hard time trusting as fully as I should. Though this is not a new observation about myself, this reality seems to be hightened all the more, considering the changes. Who do I talk to and whom can I sense genuinely cares and genuinely understands? Ultimately, this thought process is pretty selfish, but still frustrating all the same.

Lets try this again...

2008-10-10T12:37:00.002-04:00

I think there is an inverse relationship between the size of the crowd and the level of perceived loneliness. This coffee bar feels more like a cage than a workplace at the moment.

I hope I go to visit Shorb over fall break. Phil's coming up tonight to save me. My mom and sister came down for Airband last night...

I'm still in a fog. I wonder how long it will last.

Blogging is one of the most conceited things I can think of

2008-03-10T01:56:00.004-04:00

In spite of this, here I am, knocking on the door of the 2nd quarter century of my life and looking to jump back into the blogosphere again.... what a LOSER! It's unfortunate that I give into the negative peer-pressure of my old roommate Phil (yep... alot's changed since the last post), Angela, and Ben Taylor. It's stupid to want to do this again. 1. I have little time (or so I tell myself). 2. I can't tell any stories or get on any soap boxes because they'll likely be about the students I work with (who are all tech-smarter than me, so they could find this thing and be pissed. Not to mention that I probably need to be talking to those students about those things directly anyway...). But, for 'strolling down nostalgia lane' purposes, we'll see if I can't find a spare minute here or there to jot down a few thoughts from time to time. Don't hold your breath for any 'State of the Yoder Address' sized posts anytime soon. However, in spite of all this mumbling and grumbling.... here we are, back at it again. So, Phil and Angela, eat your hearts out. I love you both.

The State of the Yoder Address

2006-03-02T19:27:00.000-05:00

And life has gone on for the better part of the last two months as I haven’t done so well at keeping this updates (thank you to all who’ve done such a diligent job of reminding me so). So, without further adieu, I present you with ‘The State of the Yoder Address’.

Some people love the winter and some people hate it. I tend to be one who doesn’t really mind it, but am not overly taken with the bitter cold. Snow is always a pleasant thing though. This winter in Indy has had neither bitter cold nor much snow to speak of. In short, it’s been a rather ‘blah’ sort of time. There have been sunny days and sort of warm days which pretty much ended up being a tease to me, as spring was too far away to really get prepared for. And even now we see the same thing. It was supposed to be 65 yesterday and by Sunday it should be cold enough for a few snow flurries. The second day of March makes this a little more tolerable, but needless to say, the weather has made me feel like I’ve been in this two month long holding stage where there seems to be little progression toward or away from any one season.

At the beginning of this month I tuned in to watch the President’s State of the Union Address (this post’s namesake). There were a lot of words but none of them seemed to spark a whole lot of enthusiasm or excitement from me. You might say that this is because I’m not really a Bush supporter at all, and on top of that, I tend to be a pessimist when it pertains to politics anyway. But I would say that my lack of a positive response was caused by something even above these usual reasons. I think that even your everyday Bush supporter as well as the eternal optimist would have to be honest with themselves when considering the real legitimate chance that absolutely anything worthwhile will happen in the political realm in the next few months and years. We’re entrenched in a war that it’s not possible to get out of in the foreseeable future. That’s expended just about as much political capital that our president has to give. Congress is mired in an almost relentless routine of having another shady politician caught in another shady deal about every other news cycle. To top that off, many of them are up against mid-term elections at a time when simply being Republican is not going to win the reelection because the president’s approval rating is in the 30’s. Not to mention that the party as a whole seems to be splitting is opinion on most issues right now. Being a Democrat isn’t going to get anyone elected either on account of the fact that most people look for their elected officials to have some sort of alternative ideas to the faulty planning and actions of the current administration. And that is just about all that the Democrats are interested in doing right about now. All that to say that it’s great for President Bush to talk about Math and Science teacher initiatives or Alternative Energy initiatives but that’s all it is… talk. There’s no more political capital. What does all of this mean? It means that 2 or 3 years from now we’re still gonna be in Iraq. Iran’s still gonna be moving toward nuclear weapons. Our education system is still going to be mired in about the most stratifying inequality imaginable. We’re still going to be driving cars around that suck on gas at around 2.50 or 3.00 a gallon. And none of it is going to be heading toward a progressive new horizon of change anytime soon. What a waste of time. These are all just thoughts and opinions, mind you. I’m not a political scientist, so what do I know about any of this anyway?

I saw my friend Maha a few weekends ago. She was back in Warsaw for a few days to try and get her mom’s finances in order. I only saw her for an evening and we didn’t really talk of much of any consequence, which is unusual for the two of us when we’re together. However, it didn’t matter. Maha is a reminder to me that people can change. I’m not talking about her. I’m talking about myself. When we were in highschool together we were about as different as they came. We didn’t know each other, but at the same time, we both knew enough about each other to know we didn’t want to know each other. And then the coffee shop happened. And for the first time I realized that friendship is not necessarily a declaration of homogeneity. It was in those long nights closing the coffee shop that I learned how to have respect for someone who disagreed with me. I learned what it was to discuss and debate without getting personal or feeling attacked… simply exchanging ideas. These things don’t need a winner to be declared at the end. Before, I think in my head those sorts of exchanges were all a power play. I will exert my intellectual and mental power over you by getting you to realize you are wrong. Not the case at all. What a beautiful, life altering realization that is….. You have your opinions and I have mine. If we cant respect another person’s right to think what they want, then we have no respect for anyone at all.

My job is still excruciating. Days and weeks were flying by from November through January. I hit February feeling pretty good about things. Then it sort of hit me through a series of pretty crappy days that I still had 1/3 of a year left to go. That’s right, no joyrides here. 4 more months. The tough part about them is that there’s really no breaks or vacations and to top it off, there are still a couple months of less than pleasant weather. We began to get busier at work to the point where days became the frantic scramble that they were back in July and August. And I again wondered if I really would be able to make it to the summer time or if I should just quit right there. I weathered the storm again, and this week has seemed to be a relatively low key one with next week looking like most of the same. The real boost on the job front came this week when I got through the month of February and began the official countdown. Yes, I have a countdown of days left to work. We’re at 51. I made a calendar on my dry-erase board at home. Each day when I come home I get to put a big red X through the number written on that day (I’ve got a feeling this is going to be the most looked-foreward-to part of my days). I’ve got roughly 10 weeks left. I’m quitting on May 12^th at the latest. That’ll give me 2 weeks to move out of the apartment to wherever it is that im going (to be discussed later). I’ve decided that in 2 weeks im going to have to sit down with my boss and break the news to him. I’m already sort of dreading it. By then it’ll be 2 months till quitting time and I think that this will be sufficient amount of time for him to find a replacement and for me to help train the person, if that’s wanted. If all that happens fast, then I’ll probably just stay on at the warehouse for a few more weeks as an hourly employee or something. I don’t know how im going to break all of this to Marvin, but I’ve begun to have the conversation in my head and I just don’t know how he’s going to take it. Is he going to be understanding? Will he be angry? Will he feel let down? I don’t know. I hope that giving him that much notice makes it easier than if I waited to give my 2 weeks notice or something like that. As I made the calendar I got pretty excited. I’m doing my best to plan things for most of the weekends so I have stuff to look foreward to in the short term. However, I am already finding out that the end coming closer is making me less and less tolerant of the things I hate about my job. It’s getting harder for me to ignore those thoughts and feelings. They’re also coming with more frequency. I think that the month of March could be quite a trial to get through without some really depressing days. But if I can hold out till the weather turns, I may yet make it out with a bit of sanity and mental health. I know this all sounds sort of comical, but many of these things are the honest truth. I would really appreciate any prayer on behalf of my mental and emotional ability to deal with all of this appropriately. Summer time come to me fast.

The Shorbs visited me a few weekends ago. Good friends are life’s sunshine. They couldn’t stay long, just Saturday night and they were off after church on Sunday. It didn’t matter though. Just being in their presence again was the sun on my face. It made me kind of hope that Marvin hires someone new for my job soon so that I can maybe take a long weekend in the spring to visit them again. Nate seems to be slowly warming up to his job which is very encouraging. I don’t care what he says, I think that the kids who ended up in his class this year received one of God’s special blessings. Nate Shorb, you’re a life changer. Don’t forget that.

My parents came down to visit at the beginning of February. It’s kind of a cool part of growing up and having a place of your own… I got to be my parents’ reason for getting out of Warsaw and doing something different. I like that sort of thing. I could host people every weekend. I love them dearly and I hope that they never decide that I live too far away to want to come visit me. One casualty of the weekend…. Our Christmas tree. Yeah, it was still up in the apartment 2 months after we cut it down. The funny thing was that we stopped watering it at new years but the needles were all still attached. That all changed when the parents decided it needed to go and soon needles covered the whole floor. In fact, I stepped on one randomly this week. It kinda hurt.

Angela Moore is indescribably amazing. She is absolutely wonderful. She picks up my spirits immediately when I think of her, and looking foreward to our nightly phone conversations pushes me to make it through yet another workday. Sitting here trying to decide how to explain why this is the case…. Not because I need anything to fill that void or play that roll (because I was very paranoid about that being the case if I started a relationship at this particular juncture in my life with work being what it is and all). And not because I generally allow that person to play such a role in my life early on in a relationship either. Here’s my best shot. You hear people talk about a person who just simply compliments them wonderfully. That person who just fits with them. As if you were the pieces to a two piece puzzle. I don’t know, maybe this is turning into something too sappy and cheesy for you to read, but I guess this is what I’m getting at. Previous relationships seemed so much more forced and full of effort than this. Everything about this relationship is so organic and natural and fitting. Every relationship starts that way but as time goes on, we all realize that we’re all different people and relationship is this sort of intentional effort to come together somehow. And I’m not saying that this relationship wont have that (because every relationship will have that because people are people and people are messy and people have issues). But never before has absolutely everything about a person seemed so comforting, and peaceful, and exciting, and thoroughly enjoyable to me. Nothing’s perfect, and neither is this, but everything that’s not perfect about who each of us is in this relationship makes it feel all the more natural and good. I better cut this off soon… she discovered my blog finally (so phil and noah can stop impersonating her in the comments section) and read all about everything I wrote about her in November and December and she didn’t think I was too much of a crazy stalker person to stop dating, so that’s a plus. So, to keep from embarrassing her too much more, I’ll let that all stand as it is.

Oh, Valentine’s day… Angela’s mom has a degree in horticulture and has spent plenty of time in flower shops and doing arrangements before. Thus, Angela has sort of high-class taste in flowers. Well, I don’t know what sort of class they are cause I don’t know anything about flowers, but needless to say, she’s got some favorite flowers that are a little more specific than the random daisies or roses. I did a bit of scouting out the situation with casual conversation about a month prior to the event and got the names of her favorites. No cheesy red roses here… Instead I called up the Hartford City flower shop about 3 weeks before Valentine’s and ordered a dozen sterling roses, a dozen fire and ice roses, as well as a dozen delphiniums. They were to be delivered the day before Valentine’s to Amy Barnett’s house. About a week before V-Day Linda Brate was over at our apartment watching College Basketball with us. She and Phil told me that I should make my own valentines. I told them no, because I always do cards the same way. No matter to whom, or for whatever reason, I always get plain thank you cards and cross everything out to write my pages and pages of stuff all over the card. It feels more like my sort of thing to do than cheesiness. However, They convinced me and Linda said she’d help me make it. I went to her apartment a few days later and she freaked me out with all of her card-making equipment and supplies (she says every girl has that stuff but im not sure about that). I decided to make 3 cards for her. One for each dozen flowers. I cut them all out and they had cool paper on them and I even learned how to emboss the words right on the front which looked pretty sweet if I do say so myself. Anyway, I was up the weekend before Valentine’s to visit her and I dropped the cards off to Tracy. That night before V-Day, Steph, her roommate told her that she had an early early morning breakfast date. Really, she and Tracy woke up early and ran over the Amy’s house to pick up the flowers and put them and the cards in Angela’s room so that when she woke up she’d see them there. I liked that idea. No seeing your name on the English hall front desk board or whatever… She was going to wake up on Valentine’s Day and know someone thought she was special. So, yeah, then I drove up after work and surprised her. I think she was surprised anyway. She came downstairs and gave me a big hug, which made the whole thing worth it pretty much. So, yeah, there’s Valentine’s day (hope you enjoyed the story Courtney). Thankyou to everyone who helped… Amy, Phil, Tracy, and Steph and Linda you are good friends. I owe you.

Spring training is underway and that is always cause for celebration. I love baseball, and what I love about baseball are these things… 1. the Chicago Cubs 2. Live Baseball games. 3. Fantasy Baseball. Our fantasy baseball draft is next weekend. Everyone’s coming down for the weekend and it will be a full house. So much fun. Phil’s reserved the boardroom at his fancy schmancy bank and we’re all gonna come together with suits and laptops and merriment. Oh sweet, sweet, fantasy baseball. I’ve been working on my mock draft for the better part of 2 weeks now. Harder than you think it is. Needless to say, all the preparation isn’t going to do a bit of difference because 2 of my top five will spend half the year on the DL. When April hits we’re going to listen to Cubs broadcasts on the radio in the warehouse… I don’t even care what anyone says. If they complain, im firing them. Nuf’ Said. I’ve gotta decide what Cubs games im gonna buy tickets for. Wrigley field is my Mecca.

So, Taylor finally posted a generic Hall Director position. I’m in the process of getting my references around and as soon as those are taken care of I’ll get an application. It feels good to actually be doing something about this instead of just sitting and thinking and hoping. I had a meeting with Skip in January which went very well and I was more than encouraged by his words and thoughts. Taylor’s going to be offering a Masters of Student Development in 2 years. So, if I do land a job there next year, I may defer my Ball St. program in hopes that I’ll do the Taylor program instead. That’s really exciting. As this all gets closer, I’m getting more and more nervous about it. I know this is what I want to do and I feel confident that everything about this past year has all been one big precursor to making this next step in this exact direction. God is good, and I have confidence in that. I also have confidence that if it turns out I didn’t see God’s direction as clearly as I thought, that there will still be cause for hope and excitement about my future career. The prayer right now is more for calm, and peace of mind cause it’s gonna happen in it’s own good time and there’s nothing I can do about it.

This summer I could be back in Warsaw with the parents which would be fun. It would probably mean working 3^rd shift somewhere or picking up hours at the coffee shop again. I could also end up in Ohio with Noah. That would be sweet. I’d work construction. Noah would make living out there relatively inexpensive too. I could also end up living in Upland getting a jump on finding a job that will let me work there through the next school year. All of them excite me and im not sure if I like one over any of the others. Any ideas?

My sister has a boyfriend…. WHOA! And she actually seems to be acting like shes going to give this one a chance. I’m stoked. How about you(Noah, sorry you didn’t pan out for her…. Guess there are bigger and better guys out there)? He still hasn’t introduced himself to me. He got pretty nervous meeting my parents the other weekend. Someone should have told him that was a waste of time when he still had to deal with me. Good luck kid. This is my baby sister we’re talking about whom I love dearly. I’m waiting….

Wow, well, I think that’s getting caught up from the past 2 months. I’ve known this long one was due, and it’s prevented me from writing several small soapbox ones along the way, so now that we’re all caught up, hopefully we can get back on track with posting regularly.

High Fidelity

2006-02-09T09:03:00.000-05:00

Phil and I watched the movie 'High Fidelity' last night. It was great. No, seriously, I thoroughly enjoyed it and wouldn't be suprised if I own in in the not too distant future. We have a free month of the Blockbuster rip off to Netflix. Last weekend I watched 'Me and You and Everyone we Know'. Interesting. I think the whole thing's about intimacy in some sort of roundabout way. Maybe some of my movie critic friends can tell me otherwise... Soon to come are the Kill Bill movies.

I talked to the girl on the phone for 2 hours last night way past my bedtime. It was awesome right up until the point where i woke up this morning... So, im sort of paying the price all day today, im sure. But what a small price to pay for talking on the phone late at night.

Our Christmas tree has finally come down out of the apartment. My parents came down to visit this weekend and pretty much hijacked it out of there(I think they were afraid we were gonna send the whole apartment up in flames). So, though there were aspirations of it still being around in May, no such luck. I know many of you who didn't make the pilgrimage down over the holidays may be a little dissapointed, but alas, all good things must come to an end. However, if you come visit soon there's a good chance you could step on one of the pine needles still on the floor.

Shorb's thinking of coming out next weekend. Come back to me friend. It's been too long.

Homework

2006-02-01T12:37:00.000-05:00

Today is February 1st. It's the unofficial opening of fantasy baseball season (ie: im making today that day). Homework starts today. Ends on draft day. BOOYEAH!

PS: I know this is not the post several people wanted, but rest assured, as soon as our internet connection works at home, then i'll post about real things.

Tires

2006-01-20T10:25:00.000-05:00

So, i don't recall explaining my flat tire ordeal. In december I was driving to warsaw to meet my parents (it was the weekend of the huge snow storm and i decided to risk life and limb to get up to taylor to see the girl and almost died like ten times). So anyway, friday morning get home. park the car, go with the parents to chicago. get home sunday afternoon. go to get in my car and head back to indy... tire's flat. Take the tire off, and there's a nail i ran over. It's sunday so i can't get it taken care of that day. Dad let's me trade him cars for the week. He takes care of my car monday. The company says they can repair it, but that they don't think there's much tread on the tires. Dad says he thought he replaced them before he sold me the car. Turns out he didnt and I've been driving around on tires that have 80,000+ miles on them when they're only 60,000 mile tires or something like that... Made me count my blessings for having driven the month before to Shorb's in PA and to Chicago. So, it was time to get brand new tires. $450 dollars I had definately not budgeted on spending 3 weeks before Christmas (parents decided it would be a good christmas present to help me out with the expense... bonus!). So, it got taken care of that week. Brand-spankin-new tires. Last friday, driving into the apartment I drove into a Montana-sized pot hole. Oh yes, it bent the rim and put a small buldge in the sidewall of my new tires. So, I've been extremely happy all week thinking about how much more money im gonna have to spend to get a new tire that i've driven on for aproximately 3 or 4 weeks. Dad, last night told me to call the tire company and see whether they didn't have a waranty on them. So this morning I called and checked, and sure enough, they do. I'm getting the whole thing taken care of... new tire and all. for next to nothing! WHEEW! On top of that, i dont even have to go to warsaw to get it taken care of. Turns out that the tire store in Upland is part of the same group that the place in warsaw is, so i can get it worked on tomorrow while im up at taylor with Phil and Noah. Wow, this was one of the last things I would have thought would end up convenient and relatively inexpensive.

Noah's gonna meet us at Taylor this weekend. Good timing. I miss that kid. It'll be good to hit up Mi Pueblo tonite with all the guys. I talked to the girl again last night. talked for an hour in spite of being pretty tired. I LOVE that. I'll get to see her for 3 consecutive days. Looking foreward to that more than just a little bit. Tracy called me earlier. She's in india still. Gets back at the end of next week. Can't wait to hear stories. Gonna talk to Skip this weekend about Taylor Residence Life and Student Affairs Administration. I hope that all goes well. Sounds like a busy weekend, and it's gonna be. I am looking foreward to it all.

Ice Skating

2006-01-19T08:25:00.000-05:00

We went ice skating on saturday. I didn't break my legs (a real possibility though). I'm not gonna lie, I had to pretty much hold onto her shoulders for dear life for most of the time, so im not sure if we can really say that I skated very well. But, i'll take it. I spent the most splendid day of conversation with her. It was so relaxed and casual and at the same time opinionated and not small-talk. I respect that so much, and crave it all the more.

Work's been kinda slow this week and it's made for some long, drawn out days. The weather has been pretty bi-polar. We move from high 50's and sunny to snow, ice and 20's and then back to 50's again all in the span of a few days. I'm not complaining. It's just a little wierd. Yesterday I put on a show to whoever cared to look out the apartment windows and watch my try to get into my car, who's doors had frozen shut, while i tried to carry an arm load of stuff. It didn't work and i spent 5 minutes trying to get in. In the process i dumped both my peanut butter and jelly sandwich and my newspaper in the snow.

'Caesar is God'

2006-01-16T15:02:00.000-05:00

I got livid at church yesterday. Now, first things first; this wasn't the teaching pastor. This was another guy filling in. However, that doesn't help me much. We're talking through the back end of the first chapter of Philippians and what he's pointing us to is this section where Paul admonishes the people to remember their citizenship in Christ. In this guy's attempt to get us to understand what Paul's saying he begins into this little schpeel about America and patriotism. Talks about how good it is to be a citizen of this country and all the freedom we have and all the opportunity that we exercise. This is supposed to be something along the same lines as what Paul is reminding the Philippians about with Christ, just all the more so. And then he went back to talk about how the people of the church understood this sort of citizenship because it was sort of the opposite response to what their citizenship to Rome was. Being a citizen of Rome was good because you had the right to due process of law and couldn't be sentenced to death most of the time... ...However, the big beef with that was that if you were a Roman citizen you had to believe that Caesar was God. This was a major drawback, our speaker pointed out. And then he moved on. Now there were several periphery issues that came up which kinda got me heated (including a rather pin-headed, ethnocentric remark that, had I been French, would have been compelled to stand up and walk out right then.... I was pretty offended, none the less), but the major beef can be found in this bare bones restatement of the first half of his message. Call me a heretic, but is it not possible that the way we live and interact within and toward our American culture is pretty much the equivalent of proclaiming it God in our lives? And if this is the case, then proclaiming oneself such an unabashedly patriotic proponent of all things American, then isn't that somewhere along the same lines as proclaiming Caesar as God if you were a Roman? Think about it... Do we loooove money? Do we work really hard to get as much money as possible? Is money not the most primary factor in much of our decision-making? Do we not allow consumerism become more than an activity but a mindset and a way of life? It transforms who we are, what we think, how we feel, and what we do. Are we sure that capitalism is not our God? Again, call me a heretic... But I would be inclined to say that, short of verbalizing this fact, We interact with and allow capitalism to affect us in much the same way as we're called to interact with and allow God to affect us. So, if this is the case, isn't Capitalism more our God than Jesus Christ (aside from all the lipservice we pay to Him, of course). Now, again, this is not me jumping on the capitalism bashing soapbox (i can get on that one much more pointedly some other time). This is about being appalled at the notion that someone who is standing at the pulpit of a church in front of a congregation associating our patriotic response to all things American as a positive similar correlation to the way we should remember our citizenship in Christ. NO! What in the world kind of word picture is that? You're going to get me to understand that I should remember to align myself with Christ in the same way that I align myself with my culture even though my culture really is my God, and not Christ? Isn't there just some inherent fallacies in the idea that my love of one 'God' in my life is alright, just as long as I love the other 'God' more? What makes me even more livid is the fact that this was said at the pulpit. Anything is fair game in discussion and debate. Ask any question you want, get as crazy and out of the box as you want. Just don't do it while standing behind the pulpit in a church. That position has too many responsibilities for someone to not take into consideration all of the implications of the things they say. I don't care if it's just supposed to be a word picture. The word picture, when thought through fully ends up associating two things positively that shouldn't be associated positively and that's a big deal especially when one of those things is our relationship and citizenship with Jesus Christ! If I walked up to the pulpit and preached a message using an illustration that following Jesus is the same as following Allah or Buddha, only that I need to follow Jesus all the more... I would get laughed off the stage and then I'd be lucky not to be tarred and feathered right outside of the church building in the parking lot for the heresy that I allowed into the congregation. I know there are differences between what was really preached and what I just used as an example, but tell me that the principle is really missing the point. I'm not trying to say that I don't like America or that I shouldn't feel blessed to live in a country with all the privileges and freedoms that I experience every day. I'm not trying to say that everything we are is horrible and despicable or deplorable. Really what I was the most disappointed in was that, not only did this guy not get that American culture is a more real God in our lives that Jesus is, but from the pulpit, he used this deification of our culture as a positive example as to how we should also follow Jesus, only, just a little more. And it was said, and the rest of the message went on and everyone listened intently, and I doubt that too many people caught on that such an association could have just been made in their heads and hearts.

Blue and White

2006-01-13T13:36:00.000-05:00

So, today at work I spent a few hours just stickering books with some of my employees. The young lady working across the table from me started talking to me about movies and stuff and somwhere in the middle of the conversation she got a confused look on her face and looked at me for a long moment then wanted to know how old i was. When I said 23 she got a good laugh out of that. She didn't realize that I was only a year older than her. She was expecting me to say somewhere between 28 and 30. Wow... i dont' even know what to say. I told her she probably thought that because of the beard. She didn't agree. She said it was my manorisms. She pictured me going home and reading books and the newspaper at night and on the weekends. She had trouble thinking that i was the same age as all the people she goes and parties with all the time. It was kind of funny, but obviously, i got sort of introspective about it. We have two totally different lives. She is a 22 year old african american single mother of 2 who lives in a run down appartment complex where her mom lives 2 doors down and her two best friends (who are also single mothers) live a few doors down the other direction. She didn't finish highschool. She doesn't have a steady job. Her kids are nothing but a complaint and the weekends are her chance to get away and go pretend that she can act her age. She thinks I should take care of her kids for a week sometime because then i would be motivated to do more crazy stuff; like somehow I'm short-changing my good fortune to have not procreated yet. it was a disheartening conversation.

Phil's boss pulled him into his office last week and in so many words told him he needed to wear different clothes to work. 'Step in up just a notch' i do believe was the direct quote. Phil was mystified by it all and so was i. I see phil every morning before he goes to work and it's always a shirt and tie with either dress slacks or khaki pants along with dress shoes. Some days he even wears a suit. So, for the life of me, I couldn't figure out what the dude was referring to. Phil didn't either and he even went back into the guy's office to ask him to be more specific, but the guy was worried about hurting his feelings and wouldn't give him any better idea. He told phil that he'd set up an account for him at a local clothing store (a pretty high-rollin one if i do say so myself) and gone and picked out a few things that he wanted phil to get sized for. He said Phil would figure it out when he got there. He explained that he was a blue and white guy. That he doesn't really get very adventurous with the kind of clothes he wears, but just stickes with blue and white. that's what works. Ok... whatever... So, phil goes to this place yesterday. sure enough the boss had picked out a pair of grey dress slacks, a pair of black dress slacks, a blue shirt, a white shirt, and 2 yellow ties. they were all pretty basic and plain and all basically things that phil has in his wardrobe currently and has worn to work periodically. However, the guy just bought him a few more and phil is still left searching for what exactly in his closet doesn't belong at work... HILLARIOUS! Blue and White. He thinks Phil is going to turn out to be a little 'him'. I love it.

No baseball coaching

2006-01-11T21:18:00.000-05:00

So I could have been an assistant baseball coach for one of the middle schools in the area. If only they didn't practice till after I got done with work.... That was another potential life goal checked off the list right there. Guess it's gonna have to wait.

Tracy's in india (that's almost the name of a Dido song). J-term lighthouse trip. I get the email updates and stuff and I can't help but get pretty excited for her. I think about how things went for me when I was in Czech over that month a couple years ago. She's already been gone a week, but im sure she feels like the trip's lasted forever and a day. Time lasts forever it seems in situations like that. Good for her. I pray God's opened her up to something totally 'other-worldly'.

Shorb sent me his finished Hymns album this week. It was beautiful. He's been working on it for the past 2 years or so and I remember asking to listen to some of the stuff at various times in the past 2 years and he never let me. I'm glad he didn't cause it was so beautiful to listen to. I got a tear in my eye, which is really lame, but between the culmination of such a personal project and the worshipful feel of the whole thing, I just found myself sincerely moved.

Phil and I spent our first weekend together doing nothing and going nowhere since the beginning of November. WOW! what a welcomed event. It was so good to kick back and relax around the apartment and do absolutely nothing of consequence. I've vowed to not travel anywhere other than Upland or Warsaw until late March. So, if you wanna hang out with us, you've gotta come see us. And you should.

My dad loves Blue Like Jazz. I've talked to him already on a handful of things. That book is great, and what makes it more great is that I can talk to a guy or a girl, a peer or a parent and there's always beneficial and worthwhile conversation and insight to come from such exchanges. Props to you Donald Miller.

I signed up for a gym membership last weekend finally. It's felt wonderful to lift again. This is not to say that i'm some buff tool that you would think belongs in a gym getting 'big'. But I dont care, cause it just feels good to work out and break a sweat and feel even remotely healthy again. The feeling good part was a lie sunday morning after the first day though, on account of me having to litterally roll off of my bed and onto the floor and try to pick myself up by the recliner. So sore. The moral of the story is this.... don't make fun of the fat kid for going to the gym even though he doesn't belong with everyone else there. Be glad he's not going to die of a heart attack in 5 years.

So, i dont know if i've written on this thing about this girl that i've been hanging out with for the past 2 months and have just recently decided i could call her my girlfriend.... yeah, im crazy about her. Yes, as im sure is the duty of all people who are 2 weeks into a new relationship, I am saying it now... I like her alot and I'm totally enthralled and amazed and intoxicated by her. I get to call her every night and I can run up to taylor any weekend i want to and see her. I can take her out on dates and go overboard on her. I can say cheesy things to her and everything. If the giddy honeymoon stage of all relationships lasted longer than the first few weeks and month, there would be far fewer breakups in the world. So, yes, I know this euphoria is not something to expect for too terribly long, but man... I'll take it for as much as I can get it for right now. And to top it off, I'm not really a 'euphoria' kind of dater... I'll look foreward to the quiet, serious, contemplative times more than this. Crazy. She's definatley got me. Amazing.

It's been around the 40 degree mark and higher for the better part of last week and this week. It's the middle of january folks... I'm counting my blessings, because even though it's not gonna last and winter will overwhelm us eventually, no doubt.... every day int he 40's is another day that's not in the negative 10's. Just get me to the spring time baby.

We are aproximately 6 weeks from pitchers and catchers reporting to spring training... which means baseball is on the horizon, and just as importantly, fantasy baseball is really on the horizon. I'm in the process of putting together my best attempt at a solid, competative, 10 man 5x5 league. If you think you're the person for one of those slots, let me know and start doing your homework. I know I plan to start in 2 weeks and I'm going more hardcore than ever since i dont have class to distract me. BOOYEAH! PS: I noticed that cubs tickets go on sale feb. 24th... gonna be hard to talk myself out of buying a bunch right off the bat.

really really full

2006-01-11T09:12:00.000-05:00

Last night Phil and I went to B-Dub's. We ate so much that we both went back to the apartment and layed on the couch the rest of the evening complaining about how full we were. I think i'm still full from that meal this morning. Jeesh... Today's a boring day at work. I may be able to post some more. I've actually meant to post a few times in the last week (NOAH!) but the internet is conveniently never working when I'm in the mood to post. Hopefully that will change soon.

New Years

2006-01-01T22:30:00.000-05:00

Im sitting in the basement of my parents home in Warsaw typing. It took me driving 4 hours to northern illinois, a big italian meal, a great evening with angela, ringing in the new year (no kisses for me, dont forget im a huge chicken), playing games, watching movies, chickening out on having the talk that night, waking up the next day, going to church, eating lunch and finally giving myself a stern talking to about how there was absolutely no way i could live with myself if I left Zion without finally having the talk before i worked up the courage to ask her to take a walk with me before i left for me to officially start a new relationship. More amazing than that... she seemed like she'd been waiting for me to bring it up. So, that's the big new years news for me. There obviously a ton swimming around in my head right now and im sure clarifying and enunciating all of that will come in the following days and weeks, but for right now the euphoria is just too intense for me to really do justice to my thoughts and to my excitement level right now. She's my girlfriend. wow, there it is. what else needs to be said? (actually, much much more, but not tonite)
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ME!

Anonymous Posts

2005-12-29T16:01:00.000-05:00

PS: never leave an anonymous post on here. It confuses and frustrates me, especially like the one left on my last post. It was very insightful and solid, but I have no idea who it is who posted it. Come on! So, if you were the anonymous poster... ...let me know it was you.

Christmas time

2005-12-29T14:08:00.000-05:00

My Christmas vacation was a good one. I can't begin to say how good it was to again have my sister back and without ten thousand things going on so that she could actually talk to me again. I got back home on wednesday night and i think that she and i stayed up till1am catching up on the past 2 months worth of both of our lives. It was a long time coming and very much needed. It was tough to leave at the end knowing that she's going to be just as busy this coming semester and it's likely that we will probably go through the same sort of very sparse contact for such a long period of time. Hopefully the Christmas time was enough to carry through though. She's going to India on a lighthouse trip over J-Term and I'm pretty excited about it. Lighthouse was such an experience all of it's own for me and I hope that she will have the same sorts of experiences as well. She's talked about staying with me in Indy for J-Term break, so that would be a good time to get to hear all the stories and see all the pictures.

The four of us decided to do Christmas on Christmas Eve, which was a nice little change. I was pretty excited to give the gifts i'd gotten for mom and dad. I felt pretty good about this being the first year in quite a few that I didn't do all my shopping the day before and have to scramble and guess and what would be nice to give them and stuff. It always came out a bit on the impersonal side of things. This year, however, I've known what I was going to get them as soon as december rolled around. I was most excited about giving mom a little personalized coaster set that you can put pictures in, so I took pictures of all four of us and cut them to size and fit them in. She really liked them, and I was happy about the most creative gift I've made in a while. Though I looked for 3 weeks for a gift or two to get Tracy, i came up empty and was relegated to the cheesy movies and hand lotion stuff 2 days before. And because of that shopping 2 days before christmas I reaffirmed my loathing of all things Wal-Mart. Controlled chaos. Nothing else. I could have punched someone in that place i think.

Angela got her gift that I sent her. I thought it was a pretty good gift considering where everything is with that. I got a nice three picture frame and put some pictures from the weekend she was down decorating at the apartment in there. I was a little dissapointed that she didn't call, but wrote an email instead, but she's been working lots of hours over the holiday, so I've had to remind myself that not hearing from her or being able to get ahold of her very easily is not because she's trying to avoid me. I'm going up there for new years. I'm stoked. I decided the other day that we're having a big talk sometime during the night. (any guesses on how many times i'll put my foot in my mouth for that one?)

My dad and I got into a bit of an arguement sunday night that really lit me up. I mean I was pissed! And I remember sitting in my room and thinking, wow, if I decided I was offended enough about it, i could pack all my junk up right now and leave for indy. It would have cut short the family time by a day. I didn't cause I dont think that it was at all necessary and everything blew over like no big deal. However, I couldn't stop thinking about that for the next 2 days. Never before have I had that as a legitimate possibility. It scared the crap out of me and I began to realize how easy it is for families to turn into such wrecks. I was pretty depressed about that realization for a good solid 48 hours. It's much easier for families to be functional when everyone lives under the same roof. As soon as people live in different houses and different states it can get dicy. It gives people a way out... an oportunity to run away instead of deal with the problem or situation. It would not be hard to cause a whole slew of jumped conclusions and assumptions about what everyone is thinking and what everyone is feeling also. Then time passes, and then telephone calls attempt to mend bridges and that's so impersonal and allows everyone to downplay things that maybe shouldn't be downplayed and maybe should be dealt with thoroughly. From here on out it will be a much more intentional thing on all our parts to keep our family as functional as it has been all my life thus far. This isn't because of any one person, but more about a change in individual people's circumstance. I hope I don't forget about that. Everyone's going to hurt and get hurt; offend and be offended. It's just the reality of life and relationship. The real question is whether we all can remind ourselves in timely ways what the implications of our words and actions could be and whether those are really justified given whatever situation has just occured. I love my family with all that I am and I hope that I dont ever cause the cohesiveness with which we function to be shaken.

The boss is gone on vacation this week. My roommate is gone on vacation this week. Work is so slow that we dont have to bring people in today or tomorrow. I'm more than a little bored. I'm more than a little lonely. The truck driver that just picked stuff up from the warehouse a few hours ago was the only person I may speak to face to face for about a 36 hour period. WHOA. I hope people call me on the phone or something, cause otherwise I might go insane. Good news though... Phil's coming back tomorrow night and bringing Ben & April. Good news #2... Saturday I get to go see Angela again.... BOOYEAH!

tug-o-war

2005-12-22T07:57:00.000-05:00

So, there have been a few times in the last 2 months when i've found myself sort of frustrated. No real object of the frustration. I guess maybe frustration at the realities of the situation i find myself in with this girl. I mean, if I was at Taylor and we had been doing this crazy dance toward starting a relationship, things would be a little different. The biggest difference would be the level of intimate, personal knowledge of one another. There would have been about a million coffee dates and all the random run-in's as well as im sure 10 big depressing emails from me (I've managed to keep it down to one this time). I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is a small tug-o-war in me. On the one hand, I know that emotionally, I am very attached to this person. Everything about getting to talk to her or be with her makes my days that much better. In my heart, I think I am ready to start talking 'relationship'. On the other hand, mentally, I remind myself that, even after doing things for 2 months I know about as much intimate, personal detail about her as I have gotten in 2 or 3 conversations with other people. And I ask myself what the heck im thinking about relationships if I dont even know her that personally compared to other girls i've known only to have those fail later on down the road. That's the tension. I've gone back and foreth on this on for about a week. Here are a couple of realizations. I cannot think about how me doing this now compares to me doing this at taylor would match up, cause the situations are simply too different. The number of encounters doesn't work becuase i could have gotten together a million times with her and still been balking at my friends who would try to call it a date. These are real dates. These are intetional things with very intentional reasons. Her agreeing to go on a date with me now is telling me about a Shakesperian sonnet's worth of information compared to what getting together for coffee at Taylor would have told me. anyone can sit down for coffee with anyone at taylor and it still be safe to make whatever you will out of it. Not so for agreeing to go to indy with someone who doesn't even go to school anymore. I need to give that more pull in this little tension of mine than i allow it. Here's another thing... When I was at school everything about 'relationships' hinged around time and knowledge. Do I know her with little to no depth yet to be charted? Have we spent enough time to constitute knowing each other well enough to make such a committment as 'dating'. Here's where i'm beginning to realize that school was this situation unique to itself in all the rest of life's experiences. I was allowed to assess things with that criteria in mind because I had both the time to do such things, as well as a setting which was conducive to engaging that to it's fullest potential. To not know a girl with such depth or to not have spent a million hours of face time together was probably a pretty valid red-flag to waive at potential relationship because in such a situation as college, there's absolutely no reason you don't take full advantage of that and get to that place. The changed situation is this... No longer am i able to pick up the phone and convince her to meet me at the union where we can talk all night and, at worst, maybe oversleep a class or not spend enough time on a paper that will get maybe a little lower letter grade that wont really affect the class grade too drastically, let alone your GPA or whatever. Who cares? Now to pick up the phone to do that means getting in the car, driving an hour, sitting and talking all night, driving back and jumping in the shower for work cause the day begins at 545 and if you dont have enough physical energy to stay on your feet and stay focused, bosses are going to get pretty pissed cause you're gonna do something wrong. Not to say that I probably wont do this from time to time (cause it's me and those are the sorts of things i do cause they are both necessary and worthwhile), but I'm not able to do this with a 10th the frequency as I would be able to at school. All that to say, i am working on being ok with not having had a million hours of contact before i seriously contemplate dating this girl. Cause I think I really do want to date her. No, I'm convinced that I want to date her. And as I try to think and feel and process that through I realize that it's not the same rational, linear reason that I've come to that point in the past. Because of the distance. Becaue of the inability to insatiate her with coffee until she tells me everything there is to know. Becuase of the other things I would use to process, I think i've found myself, maybe for the first time, allowing my emotions to play out more wholely. Emotionally, I have decided that I know her enough to be a part of her life. Emotionally, I feel like there's enough connection to constitute relationship. Emotionally, this all seems to line up wonderfully for me, it's just that the emotional is so not my forte that it's caused a bit of internal tension. This realization takes me far, because i'm ready to say 'screw-it' and throw inhibitions and aprehensions out the window and just go with the emotions on this one. Dating could be this wonderful, beautiful process of her becoming more and more comfortable with me, and me becoming more and more personally aware of who she is. I like that idea and I'm going to fight hard in my head to not let all of my mental criteria for certain levels of knowledge and time be satisfied before I open myself up to where I feel I already am on an emotional level. I may not know her as well as I know others yet, but I know her enough to know that she is worth following my emotional self for once.

Too much to update

2005-12-20T20:37:00.000-05:00

So, i've waited too long to do justice to each date and get-together justice as I have in the previous ones... So, here's the overview.
The date at our apartment went spectacular. She and her roommate we me and my roommate's dates for the day. We went to Noblesville and cut down a christmas tree (she held onto my arm there). We brought it back and set it up. Then we made citrus pasta (it went over well. I didn't eat too much, but enough not to get noticed). Then we turned on the christmas music and decorated the apartment. (decorating a christmas tree with a date... really good). We watched 'Love Actually' (she liked it. That was good. We sat by each other, but there was quite a bit of space between us). All in all, the date was spectacular. She seemed so much more comfortable with me and the time was really enjoyable. Phil was an excellent friend cause he made sure that the whole day went well for me. Good friend, good friend.

There have been several other things that have gone on. That next monday was Penthouse Christmas openhouse, which we went to see, and I went over to see her, then she came over to let me walk her through the openhouse. Then afterwards I walked her back to her dorm in the snow. Again, just something that made me feel like she was getting more comfortable with me. Then that thursday night I was driving home (cause friday i had off and my parents and i were going to chicago). Well, it was actually sort of like a blizzard outside, but i decided to drive to taylor to see her and then drive the rest of the way home the next morning. It was a pretty dumb decision to get on the roads, but when i got together with her it was totally worth it. Then sunday on my way back to indy from chicago i stopped by again for coffee. This weekend we had a wedding to go to (Disko and Joy). It was in a northern suburb of chicago. Actually, it was only an hour away from where she lives. I drove up saturday morning to take her out to breakfast. She introduced me to her parents. That went really well cause at least now they can put a face with a name and i feel like that gives them only a little less reason that their daughter is dating some strange crazy person. Finally, I will be going up there to visit her for New Years. I'm looking pretty foreward to that, but at the same time i'm a little anxious about it. Phil and Noah were talking to me this weekend and got me thinking pretty deeply about some stuff and I'm not sure how Im' gonna take that on. Oh, and I forgot to say that I got her a Christmas present! Yeah! a big 3 picture frame from pottery barn and i put 3 pictures from the weekend she was down helping decorate for christmas. I hope she gets it before christmas.

So, yeah, there's been alot. Things have been progressing pretty steadily. I love talking to her and I love thinking about her. I got to the point today where it was hard to not pick up the phone and call her just to talk about nothing. I'll expound on all these thoughts and feelings later (im heading home tomorrow night for a 5 day weekend).

sick to my stomach

2005-12-03T10:55:00.000-05:00

So, the last 2 days have pretty much sucked. We were cleaning the apartment from top to bottom on thursday night when it hit... ...hard. I got that sick-to-my-stomach feel again. The same one that hit me about half an hour till date time last time. So, Phil will tell you that i've been a real fun person to be around for the back half of the week. I've been nervous and not feeling very well. I dont know how to explain this at all and it's sort of disconcerting. To make matters worse, at work, i was out in the warehouse shrinkwrapping books all day. This is phenomenally monotonous and as the hours passed by I sank deep into thought and found myself almost trapped in my own head. My thoughts consumed me. Just couldn't get myself to stop running through my head these little movie reels of the upcoming date and how it was going to go so bad and how I was going to be such an idiot and a schmuck. It wasn't the same movie reel over and over, but different potential scenarios where I say stupid things or do stupid things or don't do anything at all. It's really ridiculous and horrible, and I can tell myself that, but at the moments when i was at work stuck in my head there was just no way out and the days passed very excruciatingly. I haven't really eaten anything of any consequence. I at half a sandwich yesterday for lunch. And some chicken late last night. That's about it since thursday afternoon. We're making a big dinner tonite for them. Citrus pasta. I hope that im feeling well enough to eat enough to not have her notice again like last time.... that was so awkward. Ahhh... this is so stupid and i dont know why i can't just make myself stop this ridiculousness.

Anyway, in 2 hours she'll be down here. I called her this morning and i think i woke her up but she seemed kinda happy to talk to me. She's bringing Christmas music to listen to for the day. We're going to go cut down a tree, bring it back here, decorate the apartment, make dinner, and watch a movie. Here's hoping that the movie reels in my head where as ridiculous as everyone keeps telling me.

Czech & David Mauldin

2005-11-30T15:25:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about the Czech alot today. Good, but sullen. I think it's because I was listening to Coldplay and there are certain songs that make me think of those people. Somehow the two integrate well. Today Indy and Prague are experiencing about the same weather. cold. it's hovering around 30 and feels colder (i checked it on weather.com). Will I ever end up back there? I've gotten some correspondence from David Mauldin recently. He's in Taiwan & wrestling with God. Having a hard time with life. I wonder if I would experience the same sort of struggle if I'd ended up moving to Czech and working there as I'd planned to once upon a time. I think I most likely would have. It's so easy to feel alone. And the loneliness can be like quicksand at times. Try to alleviate it, but the attempts remind you all the more of your real loneliness, so you try harder and the feelings grow all the more intense... It would not be difficult to allow yourself to be swallowed up in it.

The Czech Republic is a wonderful place (as are all places on this earth in their own way, im sure) and it's people are particularly beautiful to me (and that's simply because it's about the only other culture that i've gotten to experience with any sort of reality other than my own). I love to think back on them and remember. Remembering invovles recalling their depression; personally, spiritually, and economically. The country is becoming westernized which is good for their economy, but politically and socially they are so stratified that the new economic rewards are really only rewarding a handful of people at the top with little trickle-down effect, especially outside of Prague... The people feel like they've been so whore'd by those in power across much of history... Catholicism tore them apart. Fascim oppressed them. Communism ruined them. Now Capitalism will attempt to strip them. It is no wonder that these people are not interested in anything anyone new says or brings their way. They've all claimed to have answers and solutions and avenues to better life. None of them have followed through on those claims. None of them were really coming from a perspective that had those people as their motivation. As a people they must identify strongly with Hosea in the Bible. Continually betrayed and lied to. And to take back his wife only to know full well that this time was no more real or sincere than any of the times previous.

That's why I would consider being there long term... because the only way I would dream of asking someone to listen to my account of faith and belief in God would be through time and friendship. No tracts. No alter calls. No television preachers. No standing on the street corner with a microphone and shouting that everyone was going to go to Hell. That's not how Czech people work, and for good reason. You think you, a little 17 year old kid over here for a week long ministry trip, have something to tell me in such a way that im' going to throw off 300 years of disappointment and let-downs and let you get me all emotional and grab onto another hope on a whim? Get over yourself. You couldn't even point me to a real church within 30 miles. There is part of me that hates the fact that Americans are so open to such retarded things. I think it points to how safe and sheltered we really are, and I'm not talking about only the upper-middle class afluenza.. I'm talking about most everyone in this country, rich or poor... we're all so easily deceived; so willing to jump over a cliff without thinking and not dealing with the consequences till much later. I think that's why American Christians, on the whole, are pretty ridiculous; we dont have a real faith. We've not made a real choice. We've simply incorporated certain daily and weekly practices and observances that make us feel better and a little validated. They're certainly not real choices or beliefs because our lives wouldn't even be a shadow of what they really are if that was the case. But we live in a culture that promotes that sort of half-hearted, not logical, don't worry about the implications, im not gonna hold you accountable, just say something that sounds nice, isn't it great that we all have 'hope' sort of living and decision making. This is a luxury that someone in Czech does not have. I would take the decision of one Czech person to hold water over 20 Americans on account of I KNOW that the Czech person has had to think it all through because noone's gonna understand what they're doing or thinking and it's certainly not going to make any friends and there's really not going to be any support for them. They've HAD to think it through before doing something that social stupid. The Americans on the other hand... well, I could choose to be a Christian, Catholic, Buddhist, Atheist, Taoist, or Confucianist and I'm praised and respected for 'having conviction' and 'living with purpose'. It's not that hard for me to change my mind and change my mind to whatever direction the wind blows....

I've gotten on a bit of a soapbox and very unintentionally so. This was all supposed to be about Czech and how I thought about it today which was good, and also somewhat depressing. Somehow in my head i convince myself that allowing the experience of individuals over there to weigh heavy on my heart and mind makes it somewhat lighter for them to carry over there... ...even though I cant see them, or talk to them or cry with them anymore. Funny things my mind allows me to do.

Be changeable, Let go of resentment, Don't let your past define you

2005-11-24T17:45:00.000-05:00

I'm home. The turkey's been eaten (well, at least the first of several times, no doubt). And I'm contemplating a good long nap on the couch. Thanksgiving's been good to me again. It's the first one without Tracy though, which is different. Not necessarily in a bad or good way, just that she's evidently not here. It's good to be with my parents though and I think we've got a good enjoyable weekend planned.

So, the second date. I know I've waited too long to sit down and write this all out. Cause, the more time passes, the more people ask me about it in person and the more often I tell the story, the more details I leave out I think. I'll try to be thorough though.

Saturday I picked her up at the dorm at around 1 and we headed down to Indy. Broadripple first, and The Monon Coffee Co. She let me suggest a new coffee drink for her and so I was very happy to get her a machiatto (as in a real one, not that starbucks crap). We sat and talked there for a while. It surprised me how comfortable she felt with me, and I'll comment on that at several points in the retelling here... After we were done we walked around a few of the little shops in the area. After we'd been there a couple hours we headed downtown to walk Circle Center Mall. We didn't talk a ton, but it was strangely comfortable to just walk around a crowded mall with her. As we began to get hungry I told her she had to pick where. It got narrowed down to PF Changs and Bucca de Beppos. When chang's had a line a mile long, Bucca's won by default. I think she liked the food. I forgot to say that about 10 minutes before the date began I was sitting in justin Thomas room and got so nervous about the date that I felt a little sick to my stomach. This persisted throughout the evening, not enough to ruin the moments, but enough to know that it was there. I interject this here because we were finished with dinner and the waiter asked if we wanted it boxed up and I said yes. She looked at me and asked if I was feeling ok. It caught me off guard and I said yes, why would you ask that. She pointed out that I'd barely eaten anything. I wasn't thinking about it at the time, but I really had just picked at it cause I don't think my stomach could have handled it. I probably should have just let her know that I was a little nervous and it was bothering my stomach, but I made up some lame excuse about being full or whatever. I think it was just mumbles. Anyway, we walked out of Bucca's and started walking and she wanted to know what was next so I told her that there were 3 options I'd thought of. 1: go to the chocolate cafe on the circle 2: go to the cool boarders store down the road 3: walk the canal. I said we could do as many or as few as she felt like considering it was into the evening now and it was a little chilly out. She decided on boarders and then wanted to go to the canal ( I felt pretty good about that last one cause that's really more of a 'date' thing to do, you know, walk the canal... So I figured she couldn't have been having too horrible of a time.) We went to the Boarders and walked around a bit. Earlier in the day she'd told me about a poetry class that she was in and so I found my favorite poetry book The Prophet by Khalil Gibhran. I read her a few poems that I liked and maybe that sounds like about the cheesiest thing you could do on a second date but I loved it. Who knows if she was thinking that or not, but every time I looked at her she smiled and seemed to be genuinely taking in the moment. Moment... yeah, when i was in it I recognized that it was definitely going to turn into one of those movie moments in my memory. When we were done with Boarders we headed to the canal. I'd never been there before but I was very pleasantly surpised at what a great spot it was. We started walking and started in on the most important dialogue of this whole little adventure of the past few months. Walked all the way to the end at 10th st. and turned back and walked to the beginning again. It was a long time, it was dark, it was cold, we were pretty much alone, and the conversation was stellar. By the time we got back to the beginning it was time to head back to the car and head home. When I dropped her off I asked her if she would mind if I called her. She responded pretty positively and that made me pretty excited. And that was date number 2. At least, the bare bones of it. So what was so great about it? Two things.

Like I said earlier, she seemed so comfortable and at ease with me. Not that that's a bad thing (in fact, a really good thing) but it's just not what I expected at all. I don't know when it'll stop suprising me, but for right now I am content to continually be surprised at who she really is. First impressions left me with the idea that she was this really quiet, very soft spoken, and generally agreeable person. None of those tend to hold true all the time and that's PERFECT. And not to mention, I put myself in her shoes and I don't know that I have the guts to let some college graduate pick me up, take me out on a date to the city, parts of which include long walks in dark canals. I respect it a ton and am very humbled by that.

Second thing, and the biggest part of the night... The dialogue. As we were walking the canal I asked her what was important. Left it vague and open like that because it's me and you know I'm good for those open ended questions that let me start to get and idea about who you really are by what you answer. She asked for a bit of help in direction and I said there was no direction, to take it wherever you want to go with it. Then I told her to tell me 3 important things. And then I told her she had to tell me 3 important things that didn't include the 3 things everyone would use to answer that (God, Family, Friends). And as she thought she came up with her 3 and some expanding thoughts with a few follow up questions I asked to make sure I understood what she meant by her answers....
1: Be open to change. God's made too many people with too many different experiences, perspectives, and understandings for me to get the idea that the way I do it, or the way I see it, or the way I think it is the 'best' or 'right' way. Life is one of those things that constantly requiring you to change and adapt, why would you fight so hard to stay the same when who you were then is not who you are now.
2: Let go of anger and resentment. (I thought this was a very curious choice from a girl who's struck me as so mild and timid, again a wonderful surprise to find out I am wrong) Though it's easy to talk about these two things in the form of interpersonal relationships, she's referring to circumstance in general. It's easy to become furious and exasperated by messed up things about our world and our life (IE: the education system and American Christianity, ironically 2 of my biggest soapboxes, which was about the biggest turn on a person like me can experience). Being so frustrated and annoyed at such things will only lead to ineffectiveness on my part. It's important to understand that if there's any chance at having an impact on such things, one needs to rid themselves of the extremes of such dislike, such as resentment and an overall chip on your shoulder.
3: You can't allow your background and life's experience to define who you are now and who you will be in the future. This is a crucial understanding if any of us is going to rise about all the crap in any of our lives, no matter what form that takes. If our past defines us then we will never allow ourselves to change (reference #1) and we will never grow.

Now, again, I know that I'm probably a peculiar person in this way, but ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!? There's absolutely no way that this girl answered that questions in those ways! Blown away. For all of you who know me, chances are you've heard me get on one of those soap boxes myself, or pushed you to your own personal understanding or healing via one of those routes. Even now as I recall that part of our conversation I am blown away that she really said all of those things. And to tell the truth I don't even know what to make of it all. I'll tell you what though, I'll bet you I'm about to make a big fool of myself or God's in the midst of all of this. Again, I sound cheesy saying that cause when people say things like that to me I roll my eyes and tell them to bring themselves down from the clouds and walk around in reality for a while. MAN! but those answers were so perfect. I don't know. She amazes me thus far.

So, I also forgot to say that date #3 got planned during the afternoon. She's coming down to the apartment next Saturday to help us decorate the apartment for Christmas. Phil's gonna bring someone down as well and we're gonna make a sweet day of it. We'll have hot chocolate and cider. There will be Christmas music and then we'll make dinner for them. The night will end with watching 'Love Actually', which Phil and I told ourselves we'd not watch again until Christmas time with a girl. In my wildest dreams I never thought that would come to fruition in any real sense.

So, what to make of this as a whole? To make some sort of sense of it quickly, this is what I've got. From May to before the 1st date when from nothing to intrigue. from before the date to after the flowers went from intrigue to infatuation. from the flowers to the end of date 2 moved from infatuation to 'holy crap, no more messing around. there's absolutely no reason you don't pursue a real relationship with this girl now'. So, that all leaves me with several big questions in my head that came up at the very beginning before I even asked her to go to the wedding with me, but they were questions I didn't need to work through because these were just dates and she was just a sweet girl and I didn't really expect for this to go so amazingly well, cause I mean, it's me, afterall. But now we've past a critical point where I need to work through these and come up with some answers for myself so I can attempt to move foreword with this. When I come to some resolution I may write them all down here. If you've got any wise words, then leave em on here, or maybe give me a call and talk some sense into me.

moms coming through in the clutch

2005-11-23T10:06:00.000-05:00

So, today's the last day of work before a holiday. I'm all packed and ready to head home right after work, so it's obviously going to be an agonizingly long day because of what there is to look foreword to. Mom sends an email to me telling me that she's just got to be a mom and ask me if there's any way I can leave work early to head home cause it's begun to snow pretty hard in the north and half her office showed up late because of accidents on the roads. I'm obviously rolling my eyes because there's no way IM asking to leave early. However, I promise her I will at least ask. So, I walk into Marvin's office and chuckle a bit and ask him if there's any way I could leave right at 430 with the employees (I usually leave around 5) to make my mom happy because of this situation. Marvin decides he's gonna get paranoid about it too, so he's not gonna let me stay any later than 330 this afternoon so that I'm not in heavy traffic with the bad weather too. Wow, it's nice to know that everyone thinks i'm 16 years old again, but hey, im not complaining cause it's an hour and a half of work time that's not gonna be spent working and it's also saving me sitting in traffic for an hour or so more than I normally would. BONUS.

Things to post about that I know I am overdue on, but it will happen this weekend:
1: My 2nd Date
2: My upcoming 3rd Date.... (BOOYEAH!)

2nd date?!?

2005-11-16T22:42:00.000-05:00

Phil and Noah got my hopes up for a phone call. I mean, I just sent the girl flowers out of the blue! They definitely had me ready and waiting for an exuberant phone call from her thanking me. Yeah, that didn't happen. Instead I got about a 5 line email. It was happy in it's tone, which was good, but I just let myself get too high of expectations. Later on I found out that she'd had a sort of crappy day so the flowers actually where very good timing, and that made it all more worthwhile to me. I'm glad I did it. However, I'd already convinced myself that when she called all excited would also be a perfect time to ask her to go on another date with me. So, again, when she didn't call, that sort of took some wind out of my sails a bit. After thinking about it more though, I reminded myself just how much I really wanted to go on another date. So, Thursday on my all night road trip out to Shorb's, I got several pep-talks from several friends in order to gain the courage to actually give her a call and ask her out again. She said she'd love to go out again and sounded pretty excited about it too, which kind of surprised me. Needless to say, the rest of the trip flew by cause I was on cloud nine. She wanted to come down to Indy this coming weekend. So, I'm going to Taylor to pick her up and bring her down. Now all I have to do is figure out what to do. I've been thinking about it pretty much since I got home Monday. I've got several ideas. In fact, I called her on Tuesday cause I kinda realized that I didn't even have a very solid idea about what exactly she enjoys doing, or what she would have fun doing with me in Indy. So, that was the goal. It was also a side goal to be on the phone with her for more than like 10 minutes (which would be about as long as it would take for her to answer my questions directly and hang up). In other words, I was really hoping to have a real phone conversation with her. I wasn't optimistic cause I didn't think she was that comfortable with me yet. So, when I called, she wasn't in the room, so I left a message. When she called back, to my surprise, we talked for over half an hour! Now, I could be totally wrong in this read of the situation, but it seemed to me that she was just as interested in having a real conversation with me as I was with her. I mean, she answered my questions, but we also talked about other stuff as well, and it wasn't like I was artificially asking questions to prolong the conversation past what it should have been. For about 35 minutes, the conversation flowed it's natural length and drew to a very natural close. Oh wow! It's a good feeling to have when you've just talked on the phone with a girl for the first time in a causal sort of way. Maybe I'm not making sense right now, but you know, It's just one of those things I guess. One of those things that does it for me. To talk on the phone just to talk and to hear her talk simply because you're so intrigued and infatuated by someone that you can't wait for the next meeting that you have to resort to the telephone!. I love it. I hope that it happens again soon and I hope it feels and normal and natural as this Tuesday night felt. So yeah, all that to say, we're gonna go walking downtown on Saturday. You know I will be a very unhappy camper if it rains, cause it's gonna be kinda chilly, so walking in the rain is out of the question, but walking in the cold is a definite possibility, and if we're walking in the cold, maybe she'll grab onto my arm again. And if it's cold, maybe she'll ask to wear my coat and if that happens you can be sure that you and I will never speak again cause I will promptly have heart failure and die, but it will be the most exquisite mental state one could be in, I'm sure and if that's the way I die, I think I could be quite fine with that.

Rejoice

2005-11-16T22:33:00.000-05:00

Thursday I left work at 4:30pm and by 2:30am I was at the home of Nate & Erica Shorb. I then proceeded to spend 4 days of absolute bliss with the two of them. The drive went very well (more on that in the next post). It was so good to get on the road. I'm very satisfied with my decision to drive instead of fly. I needed that alone time for some reason. I mean, it's not like my days are inundated with people or anything like that. I think I just needed to get out and have a little adventure of my own. Granted, I'm not a very adventurous guy, but there's not a whole lot more freeing than driving on the interstate at 1am.

Bethlehem Pennsylvania is about as quaint as a town can get I think. I forget how flat Indiana is sometimes and I think that if I would end up somewhere with hills and mountains, that would be fine by me. The trees were beautiful still, which was a bit of a surprise, but on this sunny weekend it made for quite a spectacle outside. My dear friend Nate and I have taken turns over the past 3 to 4 months calling each other about every 3 weeks and telling the other one how desperately we need to see the other because we are in jobs that we can't really stand and every day is like another day of life being sucked right out of us. This has made for some very depressing times and mental and emotional stress of unparalleled measure for the both of us. I've been planning to come out since labor day weekend, actually, and for whatever reason it hasn't been able to happen until this last weekend. Well, I do believe that the reason for the delay was for timing's sake. I showed up at a time when, I think we both seriously needed a dear friend within physical proximity and both needed to identify with someone else going through about the same sorts of things. And with that said, the coffee runneth over. What did we do? Not a whole lot except for talk. We ran into Philly one night for Cheese steaks, but other than that it was company. We drank and talked and talked and listened and put on another pot of coffee to drink afterward, then talked some more. How do you put into words the experience of coming back together with a true, genuine friend after too much time and distance have separated them? I am lost to describe it, but I know that God filled my spirit back up through the presence of my friend. It did not matter that what we were sharing were hard things, troubling things. It was of no consequence that at this particular juncture we are not spending our lives in ways that we would have hoped we were. It mattered that we were together, talking again.

It was very appropriate that Sunday night, at the bible study we attended, the topic was Romans 5 and Paul talking about suffering.

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character, and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

-Romans 5:3-5

We talked long and hard about the word 'rejoice' in there. What's Paul talking about? So often we want to try and make what we would assume to be a literal interpretation in that we should rejoice, or be happy, or content, or optimistic, or any number of things that would allude to the idea that we should not be angry, frustrated, exasperated, pissed off, depressed, or hurting. This is not the truth, I don't think. Paul's a smart guy and Paul's also a guy who experienced his share of suffering. He knew what it was to get the crap beat out of him and run out of town. Do you think he was happy about the beating? Don't get me confused, he does talk about delighting in his suffering, but this is reference more toward the idea of it being a specific means to a particular end which he is very focused on (the spreading of the gospel to the Gentiles). I don't think Paul is stupid enough to think that we should all be so happy about getting the crap beat out of us either physically or mentally, spiritually, emotionally, etc. So, what is he saying and why does he throw that word 'rejoice' in there then? Again, remember that Paul was a phenomenally smart guy. He was the equivalent of a lawyer in his days as a Pharisee. This is the book of Romans which is hardcore & in your face. It doesn't make sense that Paul would throw in a cheesy, flowery, warm and fuzzy word in here. And this is why when Paul says 'rejoice' itÂ's important to understand that he's saying REMEMBER! Remember your faith in a benevolent God who is good for all of the promises he's made to you about you and your life's purpose and path. HeÂ's saying that you should remember that and bank on it. Doesn't mean that you should be happy about the fact that life sucks for whatever reason currently. Rather, it means that by remembering the reality of your life as a whole, you can continue on KNOWING that you will live to see better days. There's something about living with such confidence that produces a certain sort of hope. And grabbing hold of that internal hope is the equivalent of what Paul is imploring us to do when he says 'REJOICE'. Thus, the weekend ended in tearful, soulful, prayer and intercession for one another. My dear friends...

On a side note... If I were to ever experience a temporary moment of crazy sanity and courage you would be able to locate me out in Coopersburg Pennsylvania as the owner of Cooper Mansion. The plan would be to turn the downstairs into my coffee shop. The rest of the house would be turned into the beginning living arrangements for the commune that we're going to start. Shorb and Erica already said they are in. We think Neville would probably be game, as well as another couple from around there. I'd take out some loans to cover the costs of starting up the coffee shop and the rest is history. It would either be called 'Shorb's' or the Pieroggi Factory. Eventually everyone in the commune would staff the coffee shop which would support us all modestly. I think it's a wonderful plan, and though it sounds like a pipe dream of sorts, As we were brainstorming this all, I think that if I ever did decide to go for it, I think I could come close to pulling it off. Oh what a real chicken I am. There's not really a terribly good reason that I don't at least try to get this plan started and see if there's some way to get some of that money together to do such a thing. Again, what do I have to lose? So, yeah, if I all of a sudden disappear for a while, you may wanna check Coopersburg.

Flowers

2005-11-08T07:46:00.000-05:00

I sent her flowers today. It only took a friend's suggestion (thank you Amy) and about half of the day to get up the courage to do such a foreword thing, but in the end, today, she's going to receive 3 daises in a little vase with a 2 sentence message from me. I want her to feel like a million bucks or like she's on top of the world, or that someone may actually think she's worth the attention, or that God's not forgotten her in loneliness. Flowers can say a lot of things, but why these specifically? Because that's how I felt all day on Saturday. And that's how good things went... Good enough for someone like me to work up the courage to send her flowers after a first date. That is saying no small thing at all. My friend Eric Bland later told me that he was a little worried for me and that I might be setting myself up for disappointment with the first date being a 15 hour long deal, 9 of which were spent alone in a car. The drive up was relentless conversation which is so much fun and almost dizzying at times. The opportunity to meet a new person and to ask real questions and hear someone give real heartfelt responses... Intoxicating almost. She isn't who I was expecting her to be and that was all the more exciting. This sweet girl who did sweet things like write me a 'thank-you' note for a pick a date and stayed till after everyone else left the Inservice I spoke at just to say hi to me and catch up a bit. The seemingly shy and unassuming girl who invited me down to see her airband act after they got in... Yeah, I finally got to spend enough time to actually get to know who she was and what she was all about. It's funny to think about, I'm sure, but you have no idea at all what 3 things as sweet as that can do for someone who's just moved to a city for 6 months and considers himself 'alone'. (I think it was along those lines that I gathered the courage to send her flowers, because even if she thought Saturday was horrible and she threw up when she got home, the least I can do is attempt to repay such things with the same disregard of risk)

We showed up late to the wedding. In fact, the bride and groom were seen at the alter through the windows as we drove up. I wouldn't have had it any other way, cause it didn't matter. She kind of got worried for a moment, but I laughed and she laughed and I hope she caught on that the wedding was just a side story and that the day was about being with her. I certainly didn't care about showing up late, in fact, I liked it better that way. Something about it seemed good and right. After the wedding people came up to see me and I didn't realize how good it would feel to introduce her as my date to everyone. So, yeah, maybe a little cheesy to say, but I liked that part alot. We walked out of the church and it had been raining so I stuck out my arm and SHE TOOK IT! Remembering that singular aspect of the day could probably make a whole month of work fly by with a little less drudgery and gloom.... wow. My friend Christine hung out with us for the whole reception and I enjoyed doing everything I could with my attention, body language, conversation, eye contact, etc to let Angela know that I was all about her even if I maybe knew Christine better. I was glad that on several occasions that Christine acknowledged that Angela was, in fact, my date. I don't know, maybe this all sounds overly retarded and hopelessly stupid to you, but all I can say to that is God knows me perfectly and he knows perfectly what I need to lift my spirit to new heights even after long periods of low-lying, joy-deprived days. Even if Angela never talks to me again, in this one day, her day long sacrifice to accompany me was used by God to take me, mentally and emotionally, out of where I was and push me to be at a new place.

Will there be a second date? I certainly hope so, and I have a feeling I'll make a bumbling idiot out of myself to try and make it happen. However, even if there isn't, I think I could find some contentment in the amount of giddy joy I had for a day in the beginning of November. And so, the point is, Angela is sweeter than I knew before and God is as good as He's always been to me.

What it's All About

2005-11-04T07:40:00.000-05:00

Tuesday night was the Jem concert. It was pretty sweet. The venue was pretty intimate and cool at the same time. Concert stage in a corner of the room and a few tables and chairs set up along the sides in place, but the rest was open and so we stood for the whole thing. It was interesting to see the wide range of ages present to this underground British rock group's show. Most of it was young people, of course, but there were a suprising amount of grey haired couples in the mix. It made me love them and I hope that I can be that open to things when I'm that age. The moral of the story is this... going to a cool concert at a cool little music venue on a Tuesday night has a way of making you feel like you're a cool city person (even if you're really not much of one).

Last night I traveled to Marion, IN to the Tree of Life coffee shop to hear Donald Miller (Author of Blue Like Jazz) do a reading and a bit of question-answer time. The place was packed and I ended up standing in an isle of books listening more than watching, which was ok. As I was driving up I became hesitant about going. If you've read any of his stuff you can identify with how unassuming of a writer he is. Everyone who reads his stuff just assumes that, in real life, he would be one of your friends who comes into your room, sits on the couch and kind of chews the fat with you about random stuff. This is great, and a big contributor to the size of his readership. However, I began to wonder what it would do to me to find out that in real life he was some sort of pompous schmuck. What if he got here, told us all about how amazing he was, how much better his work was than everyone else's, and how wrong other people were if they didn't like it? So, I began to get a little worried and I realized the night was going to be more about not disappointing me than it was going to be about charming or impressing me. That said, I can honestly say that I am of the same opinion of the guy now as I was before hearing him last night. He read and spoke and answered questions with the same sort of unassuming, low-keyed depth that he writes his books with. At the end he was signing books so I went up to get my book signed. I told him that my roommate's mom had written a study to go along with Blue Like Jazz. I asked him if he was familiar with Carol Daubenmire's work. He thought for a second and then he said, 'yeah! Isn't she the one who wrote the good sized one?' I said I wasn't sure what a normal sized one was, but that I'd read through hers and I figured it was the one he was talking about. He got a big smile on his face and told me to pass on a thank you to her for having the desire to write such a work. And with that he signed my copy of the book. How exciting aye? Got to talk to the author, and got to see the author get a bit excited about the work of someone else who im connected with. So, there you are Mrs. Daubenmire, Donald Miller seemed pleased enough with your work that he gave a genuine thank you for me to pass on to you.

Now, on to things that have given this week wings for the days to fly by in anticipation... Tomorrow I will drive to Upland and have breakfast with my little sister. She will, no doubt, spend her time telling me to calm down and not mess up the rest of the day by being a schmuck (We'll talk about other things as well), Then I'll run up on the Penthouse and wake up a few people just to say hi since im on campus. I can't really justify not going up on that floor at any time afforded to me. Then, at about 11:30, I'm gonna pick Angela up and we're heading to Chicago. It's gonna be all day, it's gonna be a lot of driving, it's gonna be alot of talking. I am nervous, however, I am also very excited. I'm trying to figure out how to make things as not awkward as possible, but I'm sure with a 4 hour car ride both ways, it's probably unavoidable. No matter what though, I hope that she leaves the date feeling like the wedding was a reason to spend time with her, and not that she was just someone who would afford me the ability to simply go to the wedding. I mean, I want to go to this wedding cause Sharon's a good friend and I'll look foreword to seeing her get married, but really, everyone there is going to be a mild acquaintance save 2 or 3 people and even those people are all going to have their own things and people to see and hang out with and catch up and all that jazz, so really, im' not even concerned with whether or not I even spend any time at all catching up with any of them. I get to spend the entire day with a sweet girl who I'm dying to get to know as much about as possible because she's done some really genuinely sweet things for me over the past few months and I just have to get to know her more. And THAT is what tomorrow is all about for me.

A date?!

2005-10-31T21:33:00.000-05:00

Well, my endless thanks to my roommate, my sister, and parents for giving me the courage to not chicken out of this wedding and find a date. I just got the call that Angela is gonna go to Chicago with me this weekend. And with one phone call this weekend changes from one of sulking and feeling like a schmuck to going on a date with a girl (hey, it may sound trite to you, but this is me we're talking about). So yeah, hopefully I don't screw it up.

Today is Halloween and Phil got real excited about it and went out and bought a bunch of candy over his lunch break for the kids. And, for all his excitement and money spent, we got 4 visitors. Half of which were kids who are probably too old to be trick or treating. What a let down.

Today is also the day my roommate begins living a healthy lifestyle again. He's been on hiatus for a month on account of the monopoly game at McDonald's. Needless to say, in the span of 4 weeks IM guessing he took 6 to 8 months off of his life. Good luck with the detox Phil.

On a side note, My eyes have been opened to the wonderful world of facebook. Wow! What a wonderful thing that someone created to give us reason to waste hours on end doing pretty much nothing. Oh well, look me up and be my friend.

Laundromats

2005-10-30T21:28:00.000-05:00

If our apartment Laundromat was a person I would fight it right now. Every time I do laundry (approximately every 2 weeks or so) I have about 4 dryer loads of clothes to dry. Inevitably one of 3 things happens: A) a load is unbalanced and stops running after about 5 minutes B) someone opens the door of it to see if there's something in it and doesn't press the start button again after they shut it C) (this is what happened toned) someone takes my wet clothes out of the dryer, sets them on the table but doesn't put anything else in the dryer. All of these scenarios are really cool when I drive back to the laundry room an hour later to find that I still have another hour and a half or so of waiting before I can go to bed on Sunday night (which is usually when I do laundry). As if this wasn't frustrating enough, my roommate Phil usually does laundry at the same time with me. He is yet to have any of his loads of laundry not dry all the way. What the heck?! Thus, if the Laundromat were a person I would fight them.

A profound excerpt from Blue Like Jazz that I just read

2005-10-29T07:20:00.000-05:00

The thing I have to work on in myself is this issue of belief. Gandhi believed Jesus when He said to turn the other cheek. Gandhi brought down the British Empire, deeply injured the caste system, and changed the world. Mother Teresa believed Jesus when He said everybody was priceless, even the ugly ones, the smelly ones, and Mother Teresa changed the world by showing them that a human being can be selfless. Peter finally believed the gospel after he got yelled at by Paul. Peter and Paul changed the world by starting small churches in godless towns.
Eminem believes he is a better rapper than other rappers. Profound. Let's all follow Eminem.
Here is the trick, and here is my point. Satan, who I believe exists as much as I believe Jesus exists, wants us to believe meaningless things for meaningless reasons. Can you imagine if Christians actually believed that God was trying to rescue us from the pit of our own self-addiction? Can you imagine? Can you imagine what Americans would do if they understood over half the world was living in poverty? Do you think they would change the way they live, the products they purchase, and the politicians they elect? If we believed the right things, the true things, there wouldn't be very many problems on earth.

Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz

A Rosie Thomas song I can't stop listening to

2005-10-29T07:12:00.000-05:00

OCTOBER

Make her a flower in late December when the sun is not shining on her
Write her a love song and play it all day long to remind her of all that she is worth
Never, Never leave her

Take her on long drives for ice cream by seaside and give her your coat when she is cold
Tell her you miss her when you're close enough to kiss her and that you'd walk 1000 miles to tell her so
Never, Never leave her

Take photographs of her on Brooklyn street in October when her nervous smile is slightly curved
Some days when she's slightly down tell her it's ok to frown it make you just fall more in love with her
Never, Never, never, never leave her

-Rosie Thomas

I am a lonely schmuck.

2005-10-27T22:04:00.000-05:00

I am a lonely schmuck. It's a pretty pathetic state to be in, but it's true none the less. I dont think im going to a good friend's wedding becuase of this. How selfish is that? On a lighter night, It's official, im taking 2 vacation days in the middle of next month to see Shorb and Erica. The big question now... Do I fly or do i drive?

2nds

2005-10-14T08:00:00.000-05:00

I'm working 2nd shift for Thursday, Friday, and Monday. We took a rush job at the warehouse and now we have to keep the place open twice as long to get everything through. It's not as bad as I was thinking it was going to be. Yesterday it was good to sleep in (to 730) and just sort of be lazy most of the day. Working in the evening isn't so bad and it kind of reminded me of nights going in to close Courthouse down (except not really at all by the end of the night). So Ill work the same shift tonite and depart for home right afterwards. Should make for a long sleepy drive. On a side note. Notre Dame plays USC this weekend. I've been a bit nervous since tuesday. ESPN has done a good job of hyping it. I just can't decide what to expect. I hope i dont have a mortally wounding saturday afternoon if they dont win... no promises though.

Homecoming

2005-10-10T20:02:00.000-05:00

This weekend was a truely blessed time for me. It was great to be back and to see everyone. At one point during the weekend it felt like I was back there again. Oh, how much I crave the oportunity to be that useful and effective again. I felt like I did more worthwhile things in the last 4 days than I have done in the last 6 months. Wow. It felt as if it was yet another step in God showing me where my heart really lies and where my gifts and purpose truely will be realized. I hope that people I talked to don't forget to keep me updated on life. On a side note, my sister is wonderful. Words don't describe that relationship. On a second note, I got to coach a girls football game tonite. YES.

Taylor time

2005-10-06T06:40:00.000-05:00

So, the last few weeks have definately had a Taylor flavor for me. Two weeks ago I was invited down for the PA inservice to be the guest speaker (more on that soon). This last week I was asked by the admissions office to go to Herritage Christian Highschool and be a representative for their big college fair. Tonite I'm going up to see Tracy and watch airband. Then this weekend Im heading up for Homecoming. So, yeah, T.U. aye?

Contentment

2005-10-02T19:25:00.000-05:00

Contentment. It’s one of those things that you don’t think about when you’ve got it, but can’t get past it when you don’t have it. What causes contentment? I’ve asked myself that a few times over the past months, but with no real answer. Part of me wants to say that contentment is something experienced when one is where they’re supposed to be. When I’m fulfilled and beneficial, doing things that are worthwhile and with purpose, I feel content. Another part of me thinks that contentment as all a frame of mind. If I just get myself to believe that wherever I find myself, in whatever situation, I am where I want to be and should be. In other words, the grass is always going to be greener somewhere else, but if I just remind myself to look around me and appreciate what I do have and the good things about where I am at, then I will find contentment. I’m sure there are a lot of other perspectives on this, but these seem to be the two ends of a sort of internal tug-of-war. I find myself, at times, quite discontent; very uncomfortable with where I’m at and what I’m doing with an intense desire to change directions quickly. I know that the discontentment comes directly from my job and I know what it is about my job that causes so much strife internally. However, I am constantly going back and forth about whether this discontent is the realization that this job that I am in is far and away not something that I am supposed to be doing for a very long period of time or if it’s simply something that I’ve figured out isn’t for me that much and I’m amplifying the situation beyond what is rationally necessary.

This weekend has been spent in a similar vein as a few spent at the end of July, thinking about how this job is sucking the life out of me day by day and how I am doing a horrible disservice to myself by simply sucking it up and continuing on not looking forward to the upcoming day. Part of me thinks that by doing such a stubborn thing that I am doing direct harm to my spiritual life. I mean, in the last four months there has been little to no desire to serve others at all. There’s been minimal desire to participate in the community of believers, and I’ve begun to approach my spiritual life in a very selfish and conceited mannor. I go to church for me, not to be a blessing to others. When I think of engaging with others in the church, it’s more for my perceived necessity for a social group as opposed to an attempt to really be a part of the community. Not only am I not involved in any sort of ministry, if one were to fall into my lap I would turn away from it because I have little physical, mental, or spiritual energy to focus on anything other than my own situation and life. This is not what God’s called for me in my life. This is not what my spiritual life and ministry outlook are supposed to be. If I can honestly say that this job is the primary cause to such a selfish and dysfunctional approach to my spiritual life, then I should not continue on in such a thing. However, there’s the flip side to such an avenue of thought. If I simply stop, step outside of my own selfishness long enough to look at things in a broader perspective I remember that the situation I find myself in is an extremely blessed one. I am in a job that is paying me very well; much more that I really need, in fact. I don’t worry about paying bills or buying food or putting gas in my car. I have most of my evenings and weekends free to do whatever I want. My boss is a wonderful Christian man who cares very much about me. My apartment is nice, my roommate is very good, my family is supportive, etc. etc. How many people would give up a lot to find themselves in such a situation. Certainly I am being to selfish and narrow minded to appreciated all the blessings that are present in my life currently and the idea that I am going to let the amout of fulfillment in my job to dictate such a high level of discontent in the rest of my life is foolish and ridiculous. Certainly God would see any attempt to change jobs so soon would be a slap in the face or a rejection of the blessings he’s given me. After all, where’s the perseverance in the midst of trails? Where’s the faith that I’m supposed to be living with daily?

And so I go back and forth. Stick the job out for a year, or change after 6 months. For the past month, it’s been ‘stick out the year’. At the end of this weekend, it’s ‘change at 6 months’. Who knows what it will be like tomorrow. I continue to pray, as I have ceaselessly for the past 3 months, that God would somehow clear up the muddy water in my thinking. I want my life to be one that is glorifying to Him. I want to make choices that honour the blessings he’s bestowed upon me in my life. Easier said than done. Any advice?

Don't call it a comeback

2005-09-30T10:23:00.000-05:00

So, for the last month and a half i've neglected this thing pretty much. So, here's my renewed commitment to keep this updated.

I'm at work. It's friday. This week's cruised by, which is good. The weather is cool and sunny, which is very enjoyable. Justin Thomas is coming down to visit us tonite. The boss is gone today. I look foreward to rest and relaxation this weekend and one post of depth before monday.

Summer is fading fast

2005-09-15T18:25:00.000-05:00

This week, i have a feeling, was summer's last gasp before yielding into the perfect time of year... yes, the fall. Today was an utterly perfect welcoming ceremony. It was overcast all day with the rain moving in about mid afternoon... In the warehouse, i was by myself, sounds were muted, it started to get dark noticibly early, and of course, I had my mellow music on, which resulted in a sweet sweet melancholy mood. Tonight would be a great time to go on a walk with someone. If I was at Taylor now, I'd definately find someone to go on a walk with. Hopefully I'll find someone worth walking in the rain with before the season passes by. (Ok, that's a little wishful thinking for you)

Closer

2005-09-14T21:40:00.000-05:00

I thoroughly love the film 'Closer'. I don't recommend it to most anyone, but I love it. It's amazingly depressing and hopeless, but so deep and symbolic. The writers of that script blow me away each time I watch it. So, we watched it tonite at the apartment. I'm quite depressed. It's a good kind of depressed though. People at times tend to worry about me when I get in these sort of melancholy moods, but they shouldn't. I'm fine. I do my best thinking and writing in moods like this. So, don't get me wrong here, chances are, you shouldn't watch this movie. But if you must, we should watch it together so we can have quality discussions about it afterwards, to make sure that it was appreciated for what it is.

So, we're half way through september. Life's been moving along pretty well. The most exciting thing that I've discovered in the past week: If I choose to place my vacation days a certain way, i could have a 3 day weekend every two weeks from now through Christmas. WHOA! So, that means that Shorb, you better plan on a visit sometime between now and then.

My dad just called me. I've just been summoned to jury duty for the 4th time in 2 years. Some people go their whole lives without being called to jury duty. Wierd.

$3.19

2005-09-01T07:42:00.000-05:00

Yesterday morning I drove into work with my gas light blinking cause i was almost empty. I thought of filling up at the gas station on the corner on my way to work. However, as I passed, I saw that the price was $2.57 a gallon. A little depressed at the price, i decided, for whatever stupid reason, to not fill up and wait till after work. Bad idea. I drove home only to see that the price was now $3.19 a gallon. WHOA! nothing like a 60 cent jump in like 9 hours. So, needless to say, i was in no mood to fill up then either. By this point my gas light is shining brightly at me. This morning I go in to work and stop at a Sam's Club gas station that, for whatever reason was selling gas at $2.89. I pulled up, put the hose in and pulled the handle only for nothing to happen. I looked up and around to figure out what was happening, only to notice that all the other people there were doing exactly the same thing. The clerk came out promptly to announce that they were out of gas. Crap. I had left early in order to get gas as well as some breakfast becuase we don't have milk in the fridge at home for cereal. However, as I passed McDonnalds, the line was alot longer than my gas tank would have held out for, so i drove to the corner gas station, where I had to wait to get to a pump and filled up with $3.19 gas. The total came to just over $40. To rub salt in the wound, there was now no time to get any breakfast, so now I'm at work, hungry, and lighter in the wallet. What a day this is starting off to be.

Becca's birthday & the Daubenmire family

2005-08-28T15:05:00.000-05:00

This weekend has been pretty enjoyable. 4 Taylor people have moved down to the Indy area, and so we've gotten to hang out with them quite a bit in the last 2 weeks. Chad and Bates live on the east side of town. Becca and Abby live in the center of town. Friday was Becca's birthday so, Phil and I made plans to take her out. It was a fun night. We got all dressed up and drove down to pick up the girls and then met Chad down at the Spaghetti Factory, where we ate dinner. After dinner we went to the Slippery Noodle, which is a sweet jazz club. It was good company and conversation. We didn't let Becca pay for anything, which was fun to do cause we didn't tell her we were gonna do that, and it's not a situation where either of us were obligated to do that either. So, we enjoyed it. There's just something about making a girl feel like she's special that just does it for me from time to time. I mean, I guess that's a little wierd to say, but I can say it like that cause I dont have a girlfriend, and haven't for a while, and the way things are going, that's not changing any time soon either. So, with that as the perspective the statement is coming from, it's nice to have the random chance to do that for someone. Anyone else wanna let me make them feel special???

Yesterday, Phil's family came over from Cincinnati to watch a big airshow in town. We planned to unveil our Citrus Pasta for them that night, so when they left, I went to the store and got everything. They came home around 7 and Phil & I went to work on our culinary skills. The evening was wonderful and enjoyable. The pasta came out just as good as when we'd previously done it. You can't go wrong with Jazz music, candle light, and fabulous conversation. The Daubenmire family is one of the more charming families I've had the privilege to get to know. His dad is a thought-provoking individual who's calm, even tone is thoroughly engaging to me. I recall our conversation in Cincy earlier in July at the coffee shoppe (I still have to write about that trip and that coffee shoppe), as well as his story last night and am convinced that there are many of life's truths to glean from this man simply by sitting and listening. Phil's mom has a love for people that transcends time, age, geography, or circumstance. You could brush past that comment without consequence unless you have been around me enough to know what my definition of love in the context of friendship involves and invokes. The lucky individuals who find her involved in their lives on a daily or weekly level must truly count themselves blessed that God would include in their lives someone who embodies such a wholly rounded perspective on friendship and love. Phil's brother, Stu, is a sweetheart and I think he gets that honestly from his older brother. It's evident to me, simply by watching their interactions, that Stu looks up to Phil. Wonderful, absolutely wonderful... Phil is one of my life's biggest sweethearts, and to see Stu so interested in following his brother's example as far as demeanor and personality, is a good thing in my book. Stu's girlfriend Abby (who seems adorable) came along. They've been dating for 3 years or so, which reminded me overhearing conversation in Cincy that they'd decided they were going to break up before they go to college.... I hope an opportunity presents itself to me for the chance to maybe throw my two unwanted sense in on that one... Or maybe I'll write it all out for Phil to say to him. It would probably mean more coming from Phil anyway. Phil's little sister Elizabeth makes me smile. Throughout both visits, there were multiple times when I wanted to laugh out loud, but refrained from doing so cause I think it was funny, simply because I'm not a member of the family, just kind of watching from the outside. She's in middleschool and I don't know if it's the age, or the gender, or what, but she has many many little idiosyncrasies about her. She's not very talkative at all, but I am always very aware of her presence in very comical ways. For as much flack as she catches from absolutely everyone else in the family, I'm impressed at the way she responds to it, with an eye roll or body language that communicates her messages without words. She makes me laugh internally. The only one not present yesterday was Kevin, who has just left to begin college at Dayton. From time around him in Cincy, I get the feeling that college will be a good fit for him. I hope that he finds a good circle of friends, cause he seems to be one who will offer much to other guys. He seems very straighforeward and clear-cut, with no non-sense. People will appreciate that at school. He also seems to be a bit of an adventurous spirit, which always serves people well during college. I wish I'd gone in with one instead of spending four years developing one. So, all in all, the group of them is wonderful to be around and I enjoy them thoroughly. I'll look foreword to the next trip to Cincinnati.

Freshmen

2005-08-26T08:53:00.000-05:00

So, the freshmen go to Taylor today. I went to bed last night and couldn't fall asleep cause I was thinking about my PA's. So, i got up and called them all. It was good to hear from them. I'm sure they'll do a wonderful job today. I'm only a little depressed.

Cruising along

2005-08-18T20:01:00.000-05:00

So, this week has been a relatively good week. Most of this can be chalked up to the unseasonably cool and rainy weather. The first 2 days of the week were below 80 as a high and rainy. Days in the warehouse go by so much less miserably when im not sweating for 9 and a half hours straight. Also, it's been interesting this week at work becuase we hired a Peruvian woman who speaks no english. It's been great to try my best to make her feel welcomed and appreciated. My boss Marvin is from Mexico and is relatively fluent and told me she works so furiously becuase she's caught quite a bit of grief and discrimination in her past 2 jobs becuase of her ethnicity. So, needless to say, my heart immediately went out to her and am trying my best to let her know that I am happy she's working with me. It's almost gotten me to pick up my spanish vocab cards to work on my speaking ability. Eat your heart out Dr. Treber!

So, the week has pretty well cruised along relatively smoothly, which was much needed. As an added bonus, Marvin's kicking me out tomorrow at 2 and it sounds like Amy Barnett's coming to chill with me. There's even an outside chance that my sister will be down to hang out in the evening. I'm crossing my fingers.

Kristyna

2005-08-08T15:41:00.000-05:00

Today at work Marvin and I were putting some stickers on books and so we were talking to pass the time also. He asked me if I'd ever been overseas. So I told him I went to the Czech Republic. He then asked quite a few questions about the experience, so much so that I found myself telling stories and remembering several things. Most importantly I brought back up all of the thoughts and feelings around Kristyna, the baby orphan that I walked around with for 2 days. Oh, my how time so easily allows things to slip into the grey area of your mind. I think and pray for Kristyna weekly, however, I haven't made myself remember everything about her and that experience for quite some time. So, it was good, but also made for a very sober and meloncholy rest of the day. To those who've had the oportunity to get outside of this country and to experience the reality of a whole other world of culture and personal experiences... remember those things. And if you're ever going to travel or do missions in any capacity, you need to write your experiences down, lest you loose 90 percent of what really happened and turn it into so happy pleasent memory or let it turn into just a chance to tell someone that you traveled somewhere. What a waste of experiences that could mean the world and change your perspective. Do all you can to remember. I remember Kristyna today. Will she be the same to me in a year as she was to me today?

Vosberg

2005-08-08T15:30:00.000-05:00

Vos was up this weekend and it was another spectacular one put on by Chelsea Village Bldg 2010 Apt D. He came down and Phil loved him. I think He loved phil too... ok, that sounds pretty gay. But in the manliest sense possible, yeah, we all had a wonderful time together. I can't begin to write the thoughts and feelings of having a lifelong friend like Vos. We've pretty much known each other since we were two years old. We're the kind of friends who can live our lives and allow that to bring us close, then far apart and back together again only to pick up where we left off as if no time or space had been experienced. Vosberg is truely one of God's good blessings in my life and I hope I have the privileage to continue this relationship as life passes on.

Friday we at steak at Tony Roma's then went down to Broadripple and on to a sweet local dive called Daddy Jack's. It was pretty upscale and a terrific night to sit outside on the sidewalk and talk for a few hours. Saturday we woke up late and I fixed breakfast for everyone (I am beginning to realize how much i thoroughly enjoy cooking). We then drove around for a bit. Came home then visited the Hookah Bar again (we haven't been there since ben & april were down for the 4th). Vos loved that. Afterwards we went to a sweet Irish Pub place on 96th street near Phil's bank for dinner. The waitress was very nice and I think all three of us developed a small crush on her before the meal was finished. I think she liked me best because I ordered her suggestion from the menu (Good thing it matters since we'll never see her again in the rest of our lives). We then decided to head back to the apartment and sat out on the balcony and talked into the wee hours. Wonderful.

Sunday Vos went home and we went to church. The 20's class went very well as people started to recognize us and introduce themselves and invite us to join them. I think next week we're probably going to go to lunch with them at someone's house. It'll be a good chance for the friends list to grow, that's for sure.

Stella

2005-08-07T08:52:00.000-05:00

Friday at work was the third day that we brought in a 73 year old retired woman to work for us. It's kind of odd... I mean, it's hot, humid, and not alot of fun to do our work for 8 hours a day, but this lady, i guess, is just really really bored and was ecstatic when we told her she could work if she wanted. Well, she's from south carolina on a cotton & tobacco farm, so she's got quite the southern drawl. She also never wears her hearing aid while working and is pretty much deaf without it, so when I go over to her table to ask her a question or tell her something she'll usually wait till i've been talking for a few seconds before she stops me and puts her hearing aid in. It's a little awkward, but hey, for whatever reason she seems to really enjoy it. So, the story... We're sitting down on break, the 4 of us who are working friday. We are all trading a bit of small talk i guess when Stella (her name is Stella) looks my way with a really puzzled look and asks, "Now Travis, do you have yourself a special girlfriend?" I laughed mostly because a 73 year old woman was interested in conversing about my romantic dating life, but also becuase of the heavy drawl with which she said it, and also becuase that's how I respond when people ask me such absurd questions. I calmed down and told her that I did not, and she said, "Well! then we're just going to have to find you that special girlfriend. I go to a little Presbyterian church downtown and I only know 2 other old ladies, but don't worry, we'll find her." And at that I laughed awkwardly and then told everyone the break was over and it was time to go back to work.

So, the moral of the story is: Don't worry about me being single for the rest of my days because the situation has been taken into the capable hands of Stella, my 73 year old southern belle temp employee.

Culinary Artists

2005-08-04T08:19:00.000-05:00

Sunday night while Phil and I were at the grocery store buying food for the week (it was a pretty good time as it was because Phil got his first paycheck and we began to buy some less vital things that cost some money but will last a long time like spices and stuff...) we decided that one night this week we would do a little group cooking and make some sweet Italian meal. Well, as we were thinking we decided we were gonna get a little crazy and try something we'd never really heard of or had a recipe for. Citrus Pasta was in the works... There was chicken, vegetables, fruit, and pasta. That's all the more specific I am at liberty to get at this point. We told a few people including Phil's mom and a few ladies who work at the bank with him. Everyone seemed to be a bit excited to see if we could pull it off, or if it would simply turn into something to fill the bottom of the trash can with. So, last night was the night. We both went home from work and right into the kitchen. About an hour or so later we were pretty sure that what we'd made looked spectacular, but we were yet to try it. We did up the dining room nice, with the table cloth and a glass of white wine, silver wear and napkins along with a few candles; Rosie Thomas as background music... After we prayed that God would guard our stomachs for this adventure in the works we promised that we wouldn't say anything or pass judgment for 5 bites. And the eating began. Oh! It was so so good! In fact, it was better than I think either of us had planned on it being. Our citrus pasta was entrancing. Complex to the pallet because of all the different ingredients in it, there was something different about each bite. It was also nice and sweet, but not like a candy where it got to be too much after a bit. The presentation was good with all of the different colored fruit and vegetables over the bowtie pasta. So, in conclusion, if you come visit us, there's a good chance we could break out the secret recipe and let you try it for yourself. Citrus Pasta... MMM MMM.

Wretch

2005-08-02T15:47:00.000-05:00

'Their deaths don't make headlines. Only their parents remember their names.' This was the ending sentance from an article about the 'Hungry season' in Niger. Every year there is a stretch of time between when crops are planted and when they are harvested that food supplies are generally stretched past their limits. However, since there was a severe drought for the past year, the hungry season has basically been going on since last year's planting. Various aid groups and such are attempting to make it into the small towns across the country to find the worst cases (mainly children) in order to get them immediate attention or take them to the closes hospitals. Unfortunately it's becoming almost impossible to do this becuase everyone in the villages turns out becuase they know there will be free food and medicine there, so there are so many people that it's not worth trying to screen the extremely malnourished from the boarderline healthy. If they did, there would be riots. And so thousands of children have died because of a food shortage and thousands more will continue to die. I thought this last sentance was very appropriate becuase it was simple, pessimistic and extremely depressing. That's exactly what this situation is. Simple. People dont have enough food to keep their bodies functioning. Pessimistic. Noone cares, not even enough for there to be any real world attention to it. Depressing. These little lives are being snuffed out and the only ones who will care are the parents of dead child.

'Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.' A wretch. Yes, that is me. Today I am a wretch not because I dont love God or because I take God for granted or because I lack the discipline or devotion that should be the response of a real sinner saved by grace. Becuase of the presence of those realities in my life daily, I will call myself simply a sinner today. But today I will call myself a WRETCH because I will go home from work today and sit down and stare at my refrigerator and try to decide what I feel like eating. Or, better yet, I will go out with a couple of friends and order something on the menu that sounds good. Niger will be a million miles away in my mind and I wont care (not enough for there to be real change in my actions or activities). It is only a truely sick, wretched person who, when enlightened and confronted with such indisputably wrong and unfair realities, turns away and continues the imbalance of such a scale.

Hit on by the Jimmy John's girl

2005-07-18T22:11:00.000-05:00

Today was a pretty good day, if I do say so myself. Work went pretty smoothly and I think I am beginning to get into a bit of a routine with it. The kids I work with are pretty good kids for the most part too. It'll be different when they go back to school and I work with adults all day though, im sure.

Highlight of the day: I was grabbing dinner at Jimmy John's ( a local sub shop just down the corner on 86 & township line) and the girl taking my order had a peculiar exchange with me. I walked in the door and a girl behind the counter a ways made eye contact with me and smiled really big. I walked up and asked if I could have a #1. She said 'I don't know, can you?' with a little smirk on her face. Being my normal self, I realize that she's making one of the most annoying jokes that there can be, and so mentally, I am rolling my eyes and thinking, "oh come on already, just give me my sandwich." So I come back with something very exasperating like, "well, I would like to ORDER a #1 please, if that's alright with you." And then there was a pause and she just stared at me for a moment. It was long enough that I noticed it and started to feel awkward. So, I looked at her and she was staring at me again and started to giggle a bit. Then she said, 'sure! I'd be happy to make one for you.' And made my sandwich. I stood there at the counter waiting and after she put on every piece of my sandwich she would look over at me, as if looking for my approval. It was kinda wierd and I didn't know what was going on really. When she was finished she came over to ring the order up. She asked if I wanted chips and a drink and I said no. She then asked right away if I wanted a pickle. This caught me off guard cause I didn't remember being asked that before. She said there were left over ones from this afternoon. I turned it down politely. As she was ringing me up she looked at my hand (which has the word 'darts' written on it cause I wanted to remind myself to buy darts for work tomorrow.) "DOES YOUR HAND SAY DARTS?!" She says this in a rather shrill tone that kind of startled me because before then we were sort of talking in our 6 inch voices just across the counter. Im not gonna lie, at this point I was a little frightened, cause I couldn't figure out where this could possibly be leading... In a rather timid voice I answered, 'yes. It's just a reminder for me to pick some up tonite.' She then proceeded to tell me that she and her brother play darts periodically and that she loves them and that he made up a rule that if you miss the board all three times you get to go again. In an attempt to be funny and to not display how awkward I was feeling, I came back with ' so does that rule help out you or your brother more?' and she giggled and said she thinks it helps her out more. After she stopped laughing we kind of stood there and looked at each other. So, I started to turn away and said, 'OK, have a good night." As I walked out the door she sort of projected, "OK, I'll talk to you later...". I thought that was a wierd parting word. Then, as I was walking to my car, I sort of put it together that I think she was hitting on me. Or, maybe at least flirting a bit. I smiled, and felt pretty good about the whole situation. So good that I almost turned around and totally just put myself out there by asking her if she would want to do something with me some weekend. Thankfully, I was in the car driving away when I decided that wouldn't have been the worst decision I could have made...

Darts?

2005-07-17T20:54:00.000-05:00

On the spur of the moment I decided to run home this weekend. Tracy was coming home from camp for the weekend as well, and my parents are going to be in Europe in the next couple of weeks, so it was gonna be the last chance for a while for the four of us to get together. It was a good weekend, as always. Rained most of the time though.
Work's gonna be busy this week. We're gonna have 150,000 books to put stickers on in a week. I can only imagine how monotonous it's gonna be for these kids to stare at the same book for 8 hours a day for 5 straight days. I gotta think of something entertaining and enjoyable for them. Right now my best idea is darts durring break. If you have any better ideas, let me know.

The Weekend and The All-Star Break

2005-07-13T09:44:00.000-05:00

So, I haven't really emailed about this weekend. There's not really a ton to tell cause it was pretty much low key. Saturday night Amy and Darla came down and we went to Mama Carolla's on 54th st. It was sweet action. If I ever have a date again in my life I will go there for dinner cause it was that good. Conversation was interesting. Sunday we finally made it to the 20's class at College Park. It went well. There were about 40 or 50 people in there so it's a good sized crowd. Phil and I talked to the kid who's teaching and he seems to be a really nice guy. The class seems active and we put our emails on the list to let us know what's going on, so hopefully we'll do something social with the group in the not too distant future. Phil found out who 'Abby Moore' from the college class last week is... and believe it or not, I called it, she's going to be a freshman in college next year. HAHAHA! But her real name is Kristen and even though she's pretty young, she still fits in the half plus seven rule, so Phil's still gonna try to meet her sometime (cause she was definately giving him the googly eye for the second week in a row). Sunday Amy helped me pick out some new clothes for work (my first time shopping on my own for that sort of thing i think...). Came out with what seem to be two pretty sharp new polo shirts. So, that was the weekend.

Major League Baseball has reached the All-Star Break. Thus, monday night we watched the Home Run Derby at B-Dub's cause we still don't have cable. Last night Kistler had us over to his house for a feast of fish that he caught on his canada trip. We also watched the All-Star Game on his projector HDTV. Wow.

Im writing at work becuase a couple of things are taking longer to get sent to us than planned, so i've been cleaning the warehouse all morning and listening to some really mellow music which, combined wiht the grey, rainy day, has put me in a pretty solid meloncholy/depressed state (again, I remind everyone that this is not a bad thing, in fact, one of my more worthwhile states of mind, if I do say). So, yeah, it's been low key and that's alright with me.

Phil's Boss

2005-07-09T11:18:00.000-05:00

So, the last two days at work we brought in 7 people. Phil was one of them, so yeah, I was his boss. He's an ok worker, i guess... Got a little unruly with throwing pieces of cardboard all over the place, but other than that, I guess I decided I didn't have the heart to fire him before the job was finished. On a more serious note, HE GOT A JOB. The bank, after dragging it's feet for 4 weeks finally figured out that he was good enough to create a position for. So, it was a good day yesterday when we found that out.

Ben & April

2005-07-05T19:32:00.000-05:00

It was an enchanting weekend. Probably the best one since we've been to the apartment. Phil's friends Ben & April were down for most of it. What a beautiful couple. I know, I'm a sucker for rigorous conversation, but this weekend was good and that was a big part of it. I think it was so good because I've been so paranoid that I'm never going to get to have those kinds of conversations again now that I'm not in the college setting. Oh, how paranoid I am that my mind will succumb to time and lack of use only to relegate itself to that thing I use only when it's convenient or self serving and basically pointless.

So, we made a wonderful pasta dish, a mexican taco dinner, and a breakfast. Group cooking seemed to be sort of the theme of the meals this weekend. I like the idea cause everyone kind of contributes their little thing or their little nitche. We went to a Hookah bar, which was pretty sweet. The waitress was young, and I think she probably would have wanted to be our friend if we'd asked her. Maybe we'll go back and see what she thinks sometime. Church was interesting. The integration of nationalist sentiment and Christian practice was a topic discussed the night before in a rather harsh light ( I wont jump on the soapbox for this one because of time) and rightfully so. This made church interesting, I said, because this weekend was the 4th of July and there was, of course, the obligatory 'God bless America' sung by everyone in the service. I think all of us rolled our eyes. The sermon was pretty good. We went to the college class on the advice of another friend only to be sadly disappointed. It was pretty much highschool youthgroup continued for all the Heritage kids who attended the church.

Monday was spent going to the Indians baseball game which was great except that I didn't bring my cell phone and missed Amy's call (she was going to the game as well and we planned to meet up to say hey). Well, when we got back I got like 5 messages from her informing me that she was with a group of like 6 women at the game from the 20something's class that we're gonna attend next week and they wanted to meet phil and I. CRAP! That was a perfect opportunity to meet friends wasted because of a stupid cell phone. The game was much fun though, and the fireworks were quite a spectacle. Highlights of the night did not include some old dude sitting behind us yelling for Rowdie, the team mascot, nonstop through the whole game to get his little grandkids to get something signed. Highlights did include some old guy sitting two rows in front of us randomly shouting indiscernible words to the ball players when noone else was talking.

All in all, a very good weekend. Thanks to Ben and April for coming down to hang out. I am pretty sure Phil and I are good hosts, so any of the rest of you yahoos who wanna come chill with us, give us a call.

Friday night

2005-07-02T09:09:00.000-05:00

I got up at 4am yesterday to be in a work @ 5. Let me tell you how much fun that was... Oh wait! The good part about that though was that we got up early so we could leave early. My 4th of July weekend started at about 11:15am. Bonus.

I finished Animal Farm and was very satisfied with the book on the whole. Again, I'll probably be referring many who get into Marxism/Socialism/Communism discussions with me to it because it really does highlight the differences subtly. Here's the keeper line:
All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others.

Spencer came to visit us yesterday night. We went to TGI Friday's to eat and were served by, quite possibly the pushiest waitress I've ever had. We all ordered pop to drink and she proceeded to push us to get something from the bar for like 3 minutes. Attempted to belittle us and mock us and the whole nine yards. Throughout the meal, whenever she came to our table to ask what we needed or whatever, she would put her hand on my back. Ok, here's where we all remember how funny it is that Travis has a bit of a personal space problem... especially with people who are annoying him at the time. Yeah, so that didn't help things at all. Funny story though... There was some kid's birthday at a table near us so all the servers come out and one announces that this girl is turning 16 today. They all sing and the people in the restaurant all clap at the end and cheer and stuff... what does Phil (in all of his impeccable eloquence) yell? 'Two more years till she's legal!'. I think I may have been the only one to hear, and that's a good thing cause I'm sure some girl's dad would have loved to hear that shouted across the room... What a dork. I can't take him anywhere.

Afterwards we drove down to Broadripple and walked around a bit in search of a coffee shop I found on the internet. We found it. It's called the Monon Coffee C0. because it's right off the Monon Trail that runs through there. The coffee was pretty good and the atmosphere pleasant. It may have been a little on the small end, but no matter. Unfortunately this, too, closed at 8pm on weeknights. The harder I try the more I realize that I am going to be relegated to reading my books at the Starbucks down the road because it's taken over everything and is the only thing open late.

Went to see War of the Worlds. It was alright, but kind of weird. I don't really get into the aliens thing to much, and it didn't help that I knew the ending and all from reading the book in middle school I suppose. Phil makes a good point and convinced me that I don't really care for Dakota Fanning (the actress who plays the little girl in the movie) because her lines and dialogue always are so much more intelligent than what she's supposed to be acting like. 10 year olds don't really do sarcasm or dry humor at all. Neither are they really about to out reason their fathers frequently. So there are my not so rave reviews.

I found a hookah bar on the BroadRipple strip and Phil got pretty stoked about that. So much so that I think he wants us to take Ben and April there tonite. We'll see how it goes.

loosening up the arm

2005-06-29T22:25:00.000-05:00

Today was a notably better day than yesterday. We got a pretty big work order in at the warehouse today, which kind of seemed to ease marvin's mind (my boss) and in turn eased mine as well. Got home this afternoon and it was relatively pleasant out, so phil and i went out to throw the baseball around a bit. It was good stuff. Nothing like fielding ground balls, even if it's in the grass. Wednesday's already finished, which means a holiday weekend is just around the corner. Phil's friend Ben and his wife are coming down to hang out and it should be fun stuff. We're gonna check out a pool hall in Castleton one night as well as go to the Indianapolis Indians game on the 4th of july and stay there to watch fireworks.

David Haller... if you read this, know that I have every intention of calling you this weekend (i had this same intention last weekend, but im a loser, sorry). I'f you're my sister, and reading this, it would be great to hear from you sometime (cough cough).

The big highlight of the night.... there are now two new tenants for the two previously empty apartments on the second floor right across from us. This is a big deal for us cause we all kind of share the same balcony space. So, our fingers are crossed that the people are our age and spend time outside on their balconies, or one or the other at least... Anyway, Phil will be spying all day the next two days, so im sure we'll get the low-down on here soon.

Restlessness

2005-06-28T22:02:00.000-05:00

And Tuesday has come and gone already. The last few days, to tell the truth, have kind of rolled by without much to get excited about. Phil and I are restless. The banks is taking it's sweet time getting their act together to let him know about the job. I think I should call them up and tell them to hurry the heck up cause people kinda have their lives on hold for this. So, he seems restless for good reason. I'm not sure why I've been so restless the last few days. Work's been alright. My boss seems very anxious and apprehensive about things this week. I'm sure it's just a bit of impatience, but it still kind of makes it hard for me to know what exactly I can (or am supposed to do) to ease his mind. I dont like prolonged tension, so hopefully things will calm down for him soon, cause I don't think there's much I can do for him about it. I went to the coffee shop tonite to read for the first time, as planned. It was kinda nice to not sit on the couch and do the same thing we've done every week night for the past 3 weeks. Two girls were having a little bible study in there. I kinda wanted to walk over and start talking to them, but then I decided that would probably be kinda creepy. I'm reading Animal Farm. I'm 2/3rds the way through it and am enjoying it. In fact, I think that this will be the book I will refer people to from now on when they insist that they know about communism/socialism and assume I'm full of crap when I talk about it. It does a good job of showing where Marxism(the root of real communism) parts ways with Eastern European 'communism' (the root of every westerner's misconception of real communism). So, yeah, it's good.
Phil and I planned to go to College Park Church on Sunday. We got all excited because we decided to go to Sunday school as well and attempt to make friends again. Got online and found out what class and when it met and stuff... Sunday morning we got up and left and realized that we had a little miscommunication about where the place was and we found ourselves at an intersection with a gas station and not much else. Luckily we stumbled upon it right at 9:30 (start time). We went in and asked someone at the guest table where the class met and our hearts sunk when they informed us that that particular class met in a separate building about a mile down the road. Man! We weren't gonna be the newcomers who walk in 10 minutes late, so we just walked into the church service and left afterwards. It was a pretty big letdown. Hopefully next week we'll get it all figured out. Cause I know right now I'm craving some friendship. Not even friendship; just the potential or possibility of friendship... So, yeah, feeling a little lonely. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

*on a brighter note, Phil and I met for lunch today and discovered that the Skyline Chili right by us has 'all you can eat chili' every tuesday. Good news for us, bad news for them....

Books

2005-06-25T22:12:00.000-05:00

So Phil and I went to the used book store and I found three good books. Dostoevsky's Crime & Punishment, Kafka's The Trial, and (always the good sociology student with under the table socialist yearnings) Marx's Kapital. On the way back we stopped at this little cafe a few blocks from our apartment called Lulu's. I walked in the door and fell in love. The place was exactly the atmosphere I was hoping to find. The coffee I ordered tasted good. Phil and I sat there and enjoyed our drinks for a bit. Then I looked at the door and saw the hours posted that they close at 6pm every night! And as quickly as I fell in love, I was heartbroken. I would barely be home from work in time to get there. So, that one's out. We're still on the lookout though.

Got home and found my parents birthday card in the mail, which was sweet cause it had a 25 dollar gift certificate to Barnes & Noble, so being on the classic literature kick, we went down to downtown and walked around Circle Center mall and found a bookstore and got three more good books. Dostoevsky's The Brothers Karamov, Orwell's Animal Farm, and Hemingway's The Sun Also Rises. So, all that to say that it's been a pretty big book day for us. On a side note, we found Kistler a sweet looking dress shirt at Express and his not-girlfriend Step is gonna love it.

Visitors

2005-06-25T10:49:00.000-05:00

Tim & Jamin came down to hang out with us last night. To be quite honest, I wasn't sure if I was up for it or not. But it was a wonderful evening. We went to the grocery store and bought the ingredients for Tim to make a beautiful pasta dish all from scratch. Lots of candles, good music, & quality company. It was good to catch up with them. I'd seen Jamin at Shorb's wedding, but it's probably been a year since Tim and I have actually gotten to sit down and talk without a whole lot of noise and other stuff going on to prevent it. So, it was a great evening and I hope they come down again soon.

The mission for the day is this. Phil and I are going to go down to the used book store down the block and get some reading material. Three reasons for this. One, we've gotten into a huge rut of wasting our evenings away playing an X-box football game for the past 3 weeks and it really isn't the best use of time, especially if it's every night. Two, I have been talking about putting together the 'books to read' list all my life and there's absolutely no excuse why it shouldn't happen now. I've sat here for a bit with a pad of paper, writing down titles that I can remember I've said I would put on the list. If anyone has any that should be on there, please leave me a message. Thirdly, a great place to read is a good cafe or coffee shop. We live in a good sized city and chances are there are a few out there. We need to find one or two and frequent them as a good place to do some reading a few nights a week. The added bonus here would be that we're out and about and in situations where we could meet people.... maybe make a few friends as well. So, that's the plan.

23

2005-06-23T17:37:00.000-05:00

So... I'm 23 today. My mom sent me the funniest/sweetest email. It opened up with this line:
'I know you know where & what I was doing 23 years ago today...HAPPY BIRTHDAY.' She crack's my stuff up! Phil, meanwhile decided to change my away message and his to tell everyone on the internet that it was my birthday and to call my cell. What a dork. I love him though. One of his endeering qualities. So, yeah, it's my birthday and it would be great to talk to anyone and everyone tonite. If you want to, give me a call. 317-531-4419.

Randomly funny

2005-06-21T20:51:00.000-05:00

Father's Day weekend was very good. Went home and spent the weekend with the parents. It was good to see them and to catch them up with all that's happened since i moved. It was also nice to not be sweating 24/7, as they have air conditioning that they actually turn on. I'm crossing my fingers here, cause the forecast is saying really really hot is to come.

Two random funny things yesterday. First, I got a message on my answering machine in the middle of the afternoon. It was phil. This was the message:
'Hey roomie, just wanted to call and let you know that I got to Atlanta safe and things seem to be good for getting to Indy this afternoon for you to pick me up. By the way, I had my first bloody mary today. I got to fly first class and drinks are free... I ordered it, then realized.. wait! It's 9am. This lady's gonna think IM an alcoholic! Then the lady behind me order one too, so I didn't worry about it. '
hahaha

Second, I was driving home from work on 86th street (a very very busy place at lunch hour and rush hour). I was talking on the phone with my dear, dear friend Nate Shorb and traffic all of a sudden stopped way up. It stayed that way for like 2 minutes, then we went again. As I got up to where the traffic stopped there was a herd (no doubt, a herd) of ducks crossing the road. What in the world are a bunch of ducks doing on 86th street in the middle of rush hour no less?! I laughed.

Roommates

2005-06-17T06:41:00.000-05:00

My advice to you, if you ever decided to move out on your own, is to bring a roommate along with you. Phil's been in San Diego since Wednesday morning visiting Arizona Kym, a friend of his. So, for the last two nights I've come home from work to an empty apartment and boredom has set in. Thus, im looking foreword to coming home and seeing my family, as well as a few friends (Vos's second date with a girl involves hanging out with her parents!! haha). I will be spending my whole day today inspecting The Three Pigs books. We have over 5,000 of them sitting in our warehouse right now just waiting for me. Now if that's not exciting, I don't know what is.

Humidity out the door

2005-06-14T18:49:00.000-05:00

And God finally smiled upon our little apartment home today, as the jetstream brought a strong breeze and humidity-less air in from the west. Wow! what a relief. It will be good to fall asleep tonite without having the fan pointed at my head on high.

Friend attempt

2005-06-12T22:27:00.000-05:00

So, Phil has a really good friend from highschool who was in indy today. She went to IU for college and was also meeting up with a couple of her college friends. One of them is a girl she always thought should date Phil. Phil wasn't so sure about that. However, this girl recently moved to the north east area of indy (about 10 minutes away from us). So, at the least, we thought, it would be cool to maybe make a friend cause we figured that she was in the same shape we were in with being here and not really having a good way to get to know new people and stuff. So, yeah, we could get to know her and we could all start hanging out and be friends and stuff. Well, as the lunch went on, conversation was fine and all. However, when Phil and I would try to set up the whole idea that we lived close to her and stuff and kinda lead down the road to 'hey we should get together and hang out sometime' kind of stuff... She was going to have none of that because she basically ignored all of our leads and shut us down. So, our first attempt at making new friends was thwarted pretty hard today. Don't worry though, we're resilient and determined to meet new friends. I just hope it's sometime before next march when we've got to put together an new fantasy baseball league.

Posture, Purpose, Process

2005-06-12T11:17:00.000-05:00

Today, at Grace Community Church, we heard a very very solid message to set up a sermon series. The pastoral staff is going to take the summer to tackle a different topical issue each week. They're going to speak on pacifism, personal ethics, homosexuality, environmentalism, and social justice. Being the good sociologist, I was pleased that these things would be talked about, but was relatively skeptical about what actually would be said that would be really worthwhile or beneficial... I've become a bit soured by overly conservative Christians and their inability to open their minds enough to even have a quality discussion or debate about several of these things. But pastor Rodriguez gave a message to set up the 'ground rules' for the following weeks. There were three. First, come with a posture that balances a spirit of meekness and resolve. Secondly come with and understanding that the purpose of these sermons (and the purpose of any discussion, argument, or debate about anything) is to be a blessing, not to be defensive or most importantly, to be right. Finally, the process of discussing any of these topics will, and rightfully so, include things outside of the Bible directly. The point being that all truth is God's truth so many fields of study can and should be incorporated in our discussions of such things. All in all, it was stellar and I've found that he articulated the same things that I attempt to articulate many times when I find myself in the midst of heated discussion with anyone, especially other Christians. I'll look foreword to several of those messages later on in the summer.

Skyline

2005-06-11T21:23:00.000-05:00

Phil took me to Skyline Chili for the first time last night. He's talked about it all through college about how it's soooo good and all this stuff... Well, it was really good. So good in fact, that when Phil told me that the Skylines at cincy periodically do an 'all you can eat' thing for kids fundraisers, I told him to call up his mom to let us know when she hears of another one and we'll go try to put them out of business... One wierd thing... One ingredient in the chili is spaghetti. We sat down to eat and right before I put my fork in it he stopped me and told me that 'You don't twirl Skyline!'. It took me a bit to be totally convinced that he wasn't just being Phil and doing something to make me look like a dork. But evidently he says that in cincy, if you twirl the skyline everyone will stare at you like you're some sort of idiot. Sweet. So, everyone go try some Skyline chili if you haven't already. It's good stuff.

Last night we hooked up with Kistler and his buddy and went putt-putt golfing, which was hilarious cause everyone else there was a couple. We made fun of them all for the most part. Especially the couple right ahead of us cause they took forever and the girl was obnoxious. After putt-putt we went back to Kistler's house and watched the movie The Thin Red Line. I liked it quite a bit, however, if you don't like movies that wander too far outside of the mainstream, then you probably won't like this one too much either.

Today has been spent putting up things on our walls since I finally got thumb tacks and push pins. If you have any original art that you'd like to donate to the apartment, let us know and we'll be happy to display it prominently on our walls. I cooked eggs for lunch and I think they went over well. Always a bonus. This weekend has been sweet so far.

The weekend

2005-06-10T18:26:00.000-05:00

So, I was listening to The Postal Service on the way home from work today, and realized just how much I enjoy them. It's good music, really. Work was good today, however I think I did the most monotonous thing I've ever done in my life. For 3 hours I worked on taking a little book out of a plastic cover. There are 2500 of them... I took care of less than half of them in the 3 hours. Marvin, my boss walked out a few times and said I looked like I was in a daze. I didn't realize how many books 2500 was until today. It's alot.

We're finally at our first weekend in the city! Im' not sure what we're gonna do yet, but it's gonna be sweet, no matter what, cause we don't even care. It's gotta be more exciting that sitting on the couch, watching one of the 4 tv channels that come in clear and playing football on the x-box (which is what every night for the past week and a half has pretty much consisted of). It's been sprinkling a few times here in the last hour or so and it's finally cut some of the humidity, which is really a plus cause I've just stopped sweating in what seems like a week solid. Yeah, try that sometime and you'll have a new found empathy for the fat kid... haha.

New Phone Number

2005-06-09T10:22:00.000-05:00

Forgot, I have a new phone. It's 317-531-4419. I have voice mail now too, so everyone who has made fun of me for never setting that up the past 4 years can stop laughing at me.